Wicked cocktail

[JohnC]

What a wicked cocktail i have gotten myself into. Along with my ever present health anxiety and worrying about stuff i now add the brutal stress of a grueling interview process for a possible new job. The buspar that i thought was helping now does not seem to be and i now wonder if i should ask for a antidepressant. Not sure how much longer i can go on this way. I am snapping at the wife and kids, i can not concentrate well and it's all i can do to get through the day! I feel i may cause myself a heart attack. Sleep is my only peace but i am lucky if i can get 7 hours. I can not afford to see a physiatrist at this point so thats out of the question. I just want to be "normal "again, i miss it so much. :(

[Im-Suffering]

Read this whole post. Sit back and relax. We are talking with both the afraid and unafraid portions of the self, please step aside fear just for a few moments, and allow the grounded self, inside, to safely, securely read on. Confident, wise, knowing, and at peace. Everything will be fine. And so, settle. - Slowly now, slowly we tread into deeper waters :


What a wicked cocktail i have gotten myself into. Along with my ever present health anxiety and worrying about stuff i now add the brutal stress of a grueling interview process for a possible new job. The buspar that i thought was helping now does not seem to be and i now wonder if i should ask for a antidepressant. Not sure how much longer i can go on this way. I am snapping at the wife and kids, i can not concentrate well and it's all i can do to get through the day! I feel i may cause myself a heart attack. Sleep is my only peace but i am lucky if i can get 7 hours. I can not afford to see a physiatrist at this point so thats out of the question. I just want to be "normal "again, i miss it so much. :(

Its about self-growth. 'Normal' is not a rigid state. Because you are at 'heart' creative, 'normal' is fluid and ever changing.

Who are you John? Have you ever endeavored to really find yourself? The anxiety is there to guide you, why are you so afraid to look?

This interview could be the last awareness test, if you finally take the journey that was meant for you all along. If not, then the next 'drama' will be even a stronger trigger, the vice grip of the self as it seeks discovery will get tighter and tighter, ever so 'narrow' will be the road. Your life less and less 'livable'

Your soul is begging for self awareness John, why do you avoid this journey?

Why wont you hear us? Those of us who cheer for you and nudge you gently toward the way?

Why do you want to continue to self-suffer? Why don't you like you?

Who are you John? WHO ARE YOU. Why are you a scared old beaten down shell of a man?

Even more importantly, why do you want to be the man you once were (termed normal) when the whole reason for all of this is 'change'. Why do you think your going through this anyway? Some dirty trick or insidious cosmic joke? Or are you such a bad boy in need of severe punishment?

John, open your eyes, son. Look at early childhood for the personality attributes in yourself that were forming, or already formed. Then watch as the parental conditioning nurtured what was already inside you. The 'normal' you did not want to be you any more. Your journey was to follow this road, get scared, and eventually change, grow into a more 'mature' personality. And so you became afraid at some point of the self you were, and afraid to become who you want to be. Stuck in limbo brought out the condition called anxiety.

The interview, and EVERY physical condition is a game. (a very real game), but a game none the less, and meant to trigger you into this self-knowledge. ITS NOT REAL. Now, you want more money, as you think it would make you a better man (provider), for you and the family. And get you what you want. You also believe it would alleviate some fear. And this is all good.

To get the job, you cant be the man that you were, the job is part of a future man, one who is growing in awareness, one who is capable psychologically of accepting good things. And so for you, in your terms, to be 'normal' again, cannot be. The normal you is a different you, than the one who applied for it, and so the fear is the fear of change. You cannot stop its momentum, John, unconscious of it as you are.

The momentum of change must happen, because you desire it, thus you must accept all the good things that momentum brings your way. The conflict you feel is only there to spur thought:

Who am I? Do I fit into this new life? Job? Will my old friend anxiety leave me?

Which John has anxiety, you see. The 'normal one', and not the new you.

John, and all of you out there, the only endeavor worth practicing is finding the self, period.

What are the personality attributes in you (always there), that your so afraid of? Why don't you deserve to be happy and live your dreams? What did you do that was so wrong?

WHO ARE YOU. The you that is capable of hurting you, or others, the you that is fearful, the you that has the characteristics you despise, the you that you feel is bad and unloved, the you that is socially unacceptable, the you that is downtrodden, the you that you fear if expressed is a monster (living in your head) - This is the 'normal you, and 'its' thoughts, this is what you came into this wonderful life to heal, do you finally get it? And in the healing process you do not pray for the old you to stay, you give it the boot, in love. And you grow.

The reason why the new job interview (experience) is drawn out, is because you are drawing it out ! Your life until now is drawn out and painful, it is highly symbolic of the new you yearning to 'take over' as the main personality, growing, becoming, and the conflict with letting go of the old. In that context, let the 'normal' guy go, once and for all, and the job process, the new life, everything, will 'flow' easily into the future that you have spent so much time contemplating, but fearing to physically move into. The new job is waiting for mental acceptance of the new identity, because the old you would not fit into it as part of your reality. In a very real sense, you and your experiences are caught between worlds, not fully aware in either, you must commit to one. There are many things awaiting this new you (pleasant wonderful experiences) should you step into it. You must make the connection between who you are and how that shapes your life. Through honest, utterly truthful self examination.

For example "ever since I was little I acted out, I loved being bad. And so I said to myself, I am bad !" Now this 'badness' was always with me, so its not enough to say my parents conditioned me this way, so I must accept that maybe 'badness' was a soul lesson of mine, and so I came into life with these tendencies, my parents serving the appropriate environment and reinforcing the already existing condition". And so, you and your identity came before your parents. Being 'bad' when it catches up with you in life, will cause anxiety and fear, but unless one introspects from this 'soul level' without victim or blame, but looks self squarely in the face, life will not make any sense, you see.

Anyone reading this, reread that bolded text above 1000 times. It will help you to discover who you are. Replacing "badness' with whatever negative (belief) idea you hold about yourself.

That is enough, Of course Ive got enough in me to go another hundred pages, its there, I can feel it. But we will end here with just one request.

PRINT THIS POST, and come back to it often until your past clicks (why you are who you are - inherently. Not because of parents or anything external, but who your soul is and why it is here), reread until the reasons become clear about everything in your life and how it fit with your soul -purpose - not with blame, throw blame out. This post will help to make all things clear.

_____

* With love, from those in the unseen that watch and wait.. We know your physical concerns will drown us out, and most likely deny this message and throw it out. We respect that, you are free to go back to the worry over the job and everything else (continue as you were). Old familiar in those terms, is still with you (the safety net with a hole in it you see). If however you ever get really fed up (and you will at some point), come back and read this again. It will always be there for you too.

Even though we address the OP specifically, as always this post (the information contained in it) applies to all readers.

[JohnC]

Thanks IM-S, you always leave me scratching my head ( in a good way ) I do struggle to battle my ever changing life and letting go of the old. The whole job thing really threw me for a loop because they ( the possible new job) came to me. I was not actively pursuing a new job but it would or could be a life changer for me and my family. Awesome benefits, retirement, life insurance, health insurance and more money all things i do not have now. I will for sure reread your post and i think that i see what you are saying, thanks.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks IM-S, you always leave me scratching my head ( in a good way ) I do struggle to battle my ever changing life and letting go of the old. The whole job thing really threw me for a loop because they ( the possible new job) came to me. I was not actively pursuing a new job but it would or could be a life changer for me and my family. Awesome benefits, retirement, life insurance, health insurance and more money all things i do not have now. I will for sure reread your post and i think that i see what you are saying, thanks.

They came to you, because you dreamt it. You attracted it. You called out for it. And the universe came back with your response. "You want a better life? Well here it is" BUT, you will struggle over it for as long as you deny yourself the opportunity for change. Your prayers (in those terms) were conflicted, and so you see conflicted drawn out results - "I want the work, but do I deserve it? Yes and no, well maybe, will I get it?"

You create your reality, there are no exceptions, it is the law. No matter what the circumstances are.

Now you've got the future and past self entangled you see, because you don't have a clear definition of either. You've got to let go of one and commit to the other.

Ive added to the original post, so come back to it. If you leave here saying, "this is all great but when I leave this message board Im stuck with the old me and the worry and real life" then you haven't gotten anything from it.

THE ONLY WORTHY ENDEAVOR IS TO FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE. BY EXAMING WHO YOU HAVE BEEN, SINCE BIRTH, AND COMPARING THAT WITH WHO YOU WANT TO BE. SEEING YOUR HAND IN HOW YOU CREATED ALL OF IT.

That should take all of your time. And I promise you, if you spend time on the self, the job will still be there in the morning, and it will move along MUCH quicker based on the equivalent of inner (mental) work you do.

Example you are doing self work ONLY, and you reach conclusions on why you are so fearful for so long, and you can then make some small changes. SMALL CHANGES. The very next day the phone rings "John start Monday, the process is over"

You understand the self work comes before, and creates the experience.

How can we prevent you from self destructing? To do an about face and do the work? This we cannot do for you. We can only raise awareness.

The opportunity for the job was created in itself because of the work that you are unconsciously doing, you see, little by little chipping away at the old self and its beliefs (because they do not feel good). And so you are seeing some results. You can continue that way, or head full steam into it consciously.

I am glad we had this time together today, and im also happy with the message, its a good one.

[Dahila]

John I am sorry you have a such hard time , with all this cocktail:)
You did ask when you are going to be normal. Ims explained it very well. You are normal , you are just stressed. Just live one day at the time. Family and interaction can be very difficult, I had been there. I wish you would get the job and could start to plans something.
What Ims said; I am right now in process of digging my suppressed memories of trauma. It is very healing. I hope I will analyze, face it and go on with my life, or whatever is left.
John my thoughts are always with you. Keep strong and one step at the time:))

[JohnC]

Thanks D, you're a peach as always :) This is a really tough one for me. My health anxiety is terrible and i don't want to go to the doc because if i get this job it has way better health benefits and won't be such a financial strain. I have not been the same since i started smoking again and have myself almost convinced i have throat cancer or something then throw all the other stuff in the mix and well it's just a wicked cocktail for me. You guy's are right but it's still tough.
On the other side i hope that your healing continues on the right path and that you find the peace that we all desperately long for. Good to hear from you as well :)!!!!

[Dahila]

oh smoking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, well smoke for now and quit when it all calms down. Hey no one (i think) has as much of health anxiety than I do. My friend had an operation on her bunion and I was sure that she is getting clots , she spend 4 hours in ER to calm me down, eh it is crazy :((
No cancer after few ciggies but when you are able try to quit:)

[gypsylee]

What a wicked cocktail i have gotten myself into. Along with my ever present health anxiety and worrying about stuff i now add the brutal stress of a grueling interview process for a possible new job. The buspar that i thought was helping now does not seem to be and i now wonder if i should ask for a antidepressant. Not sure how much longer i can go on this way. I am snapping at the wife and kids, i can not concentrate well and it's all i can do to get through the day! I feel i may cause myself a heart attack. Sleep is my only peace but i am lucky if i can get 7 hours. I can not afford to see a physiatrist at this point so thats out of the question. I just want to be "normal "again, i miss it so much. :(

Well I think others have covered a lot already. So I will just say - 7 hours sleep is pretty damn good! When I'm in the throes of anxiety I'm lucky to get a couple hours sleep. So you could be worse!

Best of luck with the job :)
Gypsy x