Scared, worried, but hopeful.

[bradzh1988]

Hey everyone.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I'm here, or how to properly introduce myself or the issues that I have. But, I'm going to give it a go, as I really do feel like I need to take some sort of step in a direction which I feel can help me. I apologise if I sound lost, or like I'm talking without any sort of goal, but I really do feel that I have nowhere else to turn.

Where to start.

My name is Bradley. I'm 26 years old, & a tattoo apprentice from London, in the UK. I've pretty much suffered from really strong bouts of anxiety & depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up with it, at first I thought it was normal, I believed that every now & again most people just felt agitated, hopeless or depressed, like it was a totally normal thing to experience. In some ways, I guess that's right. When I was in high school, so around 12-14, I started to realise that I was experiencing these feelings a lot more than everyone else I knew. At first I just began to get very jumpy & scared in lots & lots of situations. Tiny, insignificant situations which don't warrant being scared or worried. Over time it gradually got worse. I started to constantly worry, massively over-think scenarios, over-calculate risks, try & work out the percentages of the chances of negative experiences, avoid events just to be sure I'd be safe. It got pretty bad, pretty quickly.

By the time I was 21, I was having experiences like this throughout every day. My brain was a tired, but constantly working, trying to figure out scenarios which were neither real, or even likely to happen. Coupling this with the fact that I was in a very stressful sales job, my mind was pretty fried 95% of the time.

I'm now 26, & even though I've met the love of my life, left my stressful job, started a constructive course of medication & learnt as much about anxiety & depression as anyone would ever need to know, I still suffer everyday, & just like the hundreds of posts on this forum I've read, I too have come to the point where it's pretty unbearable. I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the condition, & I'm pretty fed up with the lack of help or knowledge that people who suffer from this illness receive.

I just want someone to talk to me & actually truly understand what I go through. It just seems so hard to find that.

Once again, I apologise for rambling. When something is stored up for a long time, I guess it just comes out in fits & bursts.

I applaud everyone on here for dealing with this horrible condition in their own way, & taking that step to be open & honest about it with others in need.

Thankyou for listening.

Bradley.

[lala09]

Hi Bradley.

I'm 25 and for as long as I can remember I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. It's happened more frequently after having my son 4 years ago and suffered from past and now I have personality disorder along with others.
It only been a few weeks ago I've been diagnosed with this. It's still frustrating. Not many people know about it and people closest to me don't know what to say or act as I can change moods very frequently. It's upsetting for me.

Sorry if I not helped just thought I'd reply.

Here if you want to chat.

Luce.

[bradzh1988]

Hey Luce.

Don't apologise! Just by you reading my story has helped me.

It's true that general knowledge about anxiety & personality disorders is stupidly low, to the point where talking about it to a friend or family becomes so difficult to do. People just don't get what we experience. They have never truly felt the fear of the unknown have they.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis.

How are you coping with it?

B

[alex42]

Hey...
Yes, I am also FED up with this illness... And it is just that. Panic attacks can be horrible. I've been having them for about 25 years now... Started when I was 17. It was like out of the blue my mind, thoughts, etc became fearful... For no reason. Literally no reason. The dumbest scenario could set me off. I did go into "remission" for a few years. Which was absolutely wonderful. Never had a panic attack during those times. But I'll tell ya, they came back a few years ago with a vengeance. I know it has to do with a chemical imbalance plus over thinking, stress, money, etc...
But I am SICK and TIRED of being sick and tired.
Life is too short... Ugh..

[Im-Suffering]

I will tell you why you are here, to listen to me as I teach you (and anyone else who cares to listen) how to begin the journey into healing, yourself.


Hey everyone.

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I'm here, or how to properly introduce myself or the issues that I have. But, I'm going to give it a go, as I really do feel like I need to take some sort of step in a direction which I feel can help me. I apologise if I sound lost, or like I'm talking without any sort of goal, but I really do feel that I have nowhere else to turn.

Where to start.

My name is Bradley. I'm 26 years old, & a tattoo apprentice from London, in the UK. I've pretty much suffered from really strong bouts of anxiety & depression for as long as I can remember. Growing up with it, at first I thought it was normal, I believed that every now & again most people just felt agitated, hopeless or depressed, like it was a totally normal thing to experience. In some ways, I guess that's right. When I was in high school, so around 12-14, I started to realise that I was experiencing these feelings a lot more than everyone else I knew. At first I just began to get very jumpy & scared in lots & lots of situations. Tiny, insignificant situations which don't warrant being scared or worried. Over time it gradually got worse. I started to constantly worry, massively over-think scenarios, over-calculate risks, try & work out the percentages of the chances of negative experiences, avoid events just to be sure I'd be safe. It got pretty bad, pretty quickly.

By the time I was 21, I was having experiences like this throughout every day. My brain was a tired, but constantly working, trying to figure out scenarios which were neither real, or even likely to happen. Coupling this with the fact that I was in a very stressful sales job, my mind was pretty fried 95% of the time.

I'm now 26, & even though I've met the love of my life, left my stressful job, started a constructive course of medication & learnt as much about anxiety & depression as anyone would ever need to know, I still suffer everyday, & just like the hundreds of posts on this forum I've read, I too have come to the point where it's pretty unbearable. I'm fed up with myself, I'm fed up with the condition, & I'm pretty fed up with the lack of help or knowledge that people who suffer from this illness receive.

I just want someone to talk to me & actually truly understand what I go through. It just seems so hard to find that.

Once again, I apologise for rambling. When something is stored up for a long time, I guess it just comes out in fits & bursts.

I applaud everyone on here for dealing with this horrible condition in their own way, & taking that step to be open & honest about it with others in need.

Thankyou for listening.

Bradley.

Say to yourself, "What was the first traumatic event in my life", and stay still. Don't listen for or to words, look at inner pictures, moving pictures showing a story. And say it again, "What was the first traumatic event in my life", and again, and again, if nothing comes, then continue for hours, again.

When the movie plays, record it. Now, I can interpret that movie if you wish.

"As long as you can remember" means you were receiving negative telepathic communications by your caregiver who most likely was extremely fearful, just as you are. I want you to understand the depth of the psyche, even pre natal, you see, you were being talked to.. For example:

"I am so anxious, I don't know how im going to carry this to term, or even be a parent"

Anxiety, as its termed, is insidious, as it hides in the shadows of bygone days, left behind only as a legacy of false beliefs about who you are in relation to the world and individually.

You must understand this. Reading your post, and you read it again, youll find frustration, hidden behind a smokescreen of false information meant to derail any effort unless self is looked squarely in the face. Turn about and face the mirror, jump into the fear, you understand. The fear was a tool, even at 10, you see. But at that early age the nervous system and brain were not able to reason you see, through the emotions that were so prevalent, indeed at that point we had an identity crisis as the self was growing sufficiently to see itself as good or bad. Setting the tone for development (future).

Around 8 you see, there were unsolvable problems (mental), indecision turned to doubt, and then worry.. And that worry was projected out into a future which you would grow into. It was not your fault, but the conditions of the environment and the stuck feelings, stuck in an unsolvable query where the only option was to turn on the self with negative self suggestions "what is happening to me, it must be my fault (no control, no real security)".

I cannot go any further, its your story, you must discover the way out. (mental).

That is all for now, I could go for hours, we will see.

It is good to see you 'hopeful', using that term. The journey into your psyche is the only noble endeavor known to the human race, for inside is everything you will need, and that is not cliché. For 20 odd years you have been picturing your future, and today you live those projections. Now, the use of "hope" you see, means those projections are changing to be more constructive. If indeed there is a way, it is in the hope you have, and the way you project, what you project. Do you see yourself as free and healed, loving laughing, en-joying your life? If you do, it is the opposite of what you've always pictured, and just as surely as you are who you are today because of it, you will be who you are tomorrow just the same. You create your reality.

Lastly, for now, use, the 'love of your life' to propel you into yourself, you see. Rely, feel safe, comforted, secure, that no matter the fear, no matter how deep into the pain you go, that nest of love will be waiting for you, you see. Use that. because its a one way street (for now), you must take the journey into it. Using her love to bring you out, period.

I salute you.

[Saber_Wing]

Hi Bradley, I'm Paige. I'm 23 years old, and I too have suffered from anxiety from about the time when I was 12 years old. I didn't realize that was what it was until I as much older, but looking back on it now, I was suffering even then. This disorder has been holding me back since before I realized it was. I too am fed up with it. I too am looking for help, understanding, and love. I know exactly what you're going through.

I can't do anything without first planning out every negative scenario either, no matter how unlikely it is to happen. I too used to think it was just part of me, and that it couldn't be identified. I thought it was just a quirk of my personality. A really bad one. But as I've grown older it has gotten worse and worse, to the point where I could no longer just dismiss it as 'worrying' and I came to acknowledge the cruel reality of what this disorder is. Being lost doesn't feel quite so bad though, when you meet a group of people like those I've already spoken to here. At least we can all find our way at our own pace, and we have somewhere to turn when we need someone who understands. If you ever need anyone to talk to, don't hesitate to message me :)

[bradzh1988]

Alex - Hi, mate. I actually think it's quite healthy to slightly dislike how this condition makes you feel. I know that sounds quite brash & counter-productive, but hear me out. I've found that at times I can be very, very submissive with my anxiety, to the point where even the slightest worry will send me into a frenzy. At these times, I have no anger, just pure, condensed fear. It breaks me in two. Whereas, when I experience an event in which I actually get angry at the condition, I've found that I'm much more able to calm myself down & control the situation better. I believe that sense of control is predominantly made through my anger & stubbornness, in which I phsyically won't allow myself to be held down by it any longer. Not so much a permenant fix, but definitely a way to temporarily overcome that paralysis we've all experienced when we have an attack. Stay angry at it, man, but more importantly, stay structured, positive & consistent.

Im-Suffering - Thankyou for the advice. I've found it hard to physically sit down & face what I'm afraid of. Not because of a lack of time, but more of an unknowing belief that I could make my anxiety worse than it already is. It is definitely something I'm constantly working on. Further & deeper than that though, I've found that since I've understood more & more about this condition, I've accepted life in general as a much smaller part of the universe. In a moment of panic, anxiety forces you to protect yourself, irrelevant of the danger. I've been practicing thought processes which remind me quite frankly of how unimportant we each are as a singularity. Basically, in the long plan, each human lifetime is a minuscule measurement. We are here, we blink, & we are gone. I'm not in any way criticising our value, but merely just simplifying it down to slowly understand that we don't actually have any large enough reason to merit the amount of worry we project through anxiety.

We are not important enough. We are not here long enough. The world, universe & existence in a whole has bigger plans & ideas than any one of us. We are not being looked at & judged. We are not under a looking glass.

A man, or woman, lives in his own creation, & is concreted & surrounded by the environment he, or she, chooses to live in. Though a thousand people on this site will disagree, the act of worrying or feeling anxious is a choice. A force of habit, which through hard work, determination & a little self control, can be let go.

Paige - Hi :) It's actually comforting to know that there is someone who actually exists who's issues are so similar, & that I'm not taking this weight all on my own, you know? Yeah, it's very easy to feel beaten isn't it, but just knowing that there is a group of people, or even just one person, to vent out & talk to, makes life a tad easier. Trust me, I completely understand how hard your life can be, & how frustrated it can make you. Luckily for us, we're not the only ones!

Apologies for the long post guys, I'm not able to get on here everyday (although I do try). Feel free to message me whenever you want. I'll happily get back to any one of you. It's nice to know I'm in a place which can openly talk about these things & not be laughed at or judged.

I salute you all!

B.