I don't know?

[lala09]

Hi.

This I don't know really know what to say. It's mostly all on my head and now I want to say it It all goes to mush.

How do people cope with certain illnesses. I have just found out what I've got an I need to somehow deal with anger? Not violent anger but anger at myself. Blaming me for being ill?

I just wanted to know how people cope?

Thanks.
Luce.

[JustaGal]

Hi.

This I don't know really know what to say. It's mostly all on my head and now I want to say it It all goes to mush.

How do people cope with certain illnesses. I have just found out what I've got an I need to somehow deal with anger? Not violent anger but anger at myself. Blaming me for being ill?

I just wanted to know how people cope?

Thanks.
Luce.

Some people join support groups, some turn to spirituality/religion/faith. I would read the BIO's of people that have overcome major obstacles in health/life. That should provide different perspectives on coping.

[andydroid]

I can't link any sites but I have learned a lot about distorted thinking styles in therapy. It really helped me to learn them and pay more attention to my own thoughts. Here are some examples of distorted thought patterns:

Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them, while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. A single detail may be picked out, and the whole event becomes colored by this detail. When you pull negative things out of context, isolated from all the good experiences around you, you make them larger and more awful than they really are.

Polarized Thinking: The hallmark of this distortion is an insistence on dichotomous choices. Things are black or white, good or bad. You tend to perceive everything at the extremes, with very little room for a middle ground. The greatest danger in polarized thinking is its impact on how you judge yourself. For example-You have to be perfect or you're a failure.

Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once, you expect it to happen over and over again. 'Always' and 'never' are cues that this style of thinking is being utilized. This distortion can lead to a restricted life, as you avoid future failures based on the single incident or event.

Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you. Mind reading depends on a process called projection. You imagine that people feel the same way you do and react to things the same way you do. Therefore, you don't watch or listen carefully enough to notice that they are actually different. Mind readers jump to conclusions that are true for them, without checking whether they are true for the other person.

Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start "what if's." What if that happens to me? What if tragedy strikes? There are no limits to a really fertile catastrophic imagination. An underlying catalyst for this style of thinking is that you do not trust in yourself and your capacity to adapt to change.

Personalization: This is the tendency to relate everything around you to yourself. For example, thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also compare yourself to others, trying to determine who's smarter, better looking, etc. The underlying assumption is that your worth is in question. You are therefore continually forced to test your value as a person by measuring yourself against others. If you come out better, you get a moment's relief. If you come up short, you feel diminished. The basic thinking error is that you interpret each experience, each conversation, each look as a clue to your worth and value.

Control Fallacies: There are two ways you can distort your sense of power and control. If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate. The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you. Feeling externally controlled keeps you stuck. You don't believe you can really affect the basic shape of your life, let alone make any difference in the world. The truth of the matter is that we are constantly making decisions, and that every decision affects our lives. On the other hand, the fallacy of internal control leaves you exhausted as you attempt to fill the needs of everyone around you, and feel responsible in doing so (and guilty when you cannot).

Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people won't agree with you. Fairness is so conveniently defined, so temptingly self-serving, that each person gets locked into his or her own point of view. It is tempting to make assumptions about how things would change if people were only fair or really valued you. But the other person hardly ever sees it that way, and you end up causing yourself a lot of pain and an ever-growing resentment.

Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain, or take the other tack and blame yourself for every problem. Blaming often involves making someone else responsible for choices and decisions that are actually our own responsibility. In blame systems, you deny your right (and responsibility) to assert your needs, say no, or go elsewhere for what you want.

Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the rules anger you, and you feel guilty if you violate the rules. The rules are right and indisputable and, as a result, you are often in the position of judging and finding fault (in yourself and in others). Cue words indicating the presence of this distortion are should, ought, and must.

Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid or boring, then you must be stupid and boring. If you feel guilty, then you must have done something wrong. The problem with emotional reasoning is that our emotions interact and correlate with our thinking process. Therefore, if you have distorted thoughts and beliefs, your emotions will reflect these distortions.

Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure or cajole them enough. You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them. The truth is the only person you can really control or have much hope of changing is yourself. The underlying assumption of this thinking style is that your happiness depends on the actions of others. Your happiness actually depends on the thousands of large and small choices you make in your life.

Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities (in yourself or others) into a negative global judgment. Global labeling ignores all contrary evidence, creating a view of the world that can be stereotyped and one-dimensional. Labeling yourself can have a negative and insidious impact upon your self-esteem; while labeling others can lead to snap-judgments, relationship problems, and prejudice.

Being Right: You feel continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness. Having to be 'right' often makes you hard of hearing. You aren't interested in the possible veracity of a differing opinion, only in defending your own. Being right becomes more important than an honest and caring relationship.

Heaven's Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were someone keeping score. You fell bitter when the reward doesn't come as expected. The problem is that while you are always doing the 'right thing,' if your heart really isn't in it, you are physically and emotionally depleting yourself.

[Ponder]

Nice rundown there andydroid. Thanks heaps.

Very interesting thinking styles, which for me -> I tend to see more as behavioral patterns. (same thing different view)

The last one list "Heavens Reward Fallacy", which plays heavily into ["expectations"] sums up the mentality of society and why such a large proportion of it relies on medication to pacify the mental illness that plagues it like so. The description given for that one really hits home on just how selfish our species has become. Again - the Title given could not be more appropriate to cause and effect.
__________________________

I like what JustaGril says about reading BIO's - I can't say I have read BIO's as such, however I have come to read much from many who have written Bio's who through whatever method not only came to overcome the major obstacles now facing much of society, but went on to write more books specifically as guides which offer more of a road map to the insights they gained so that we to can find our way as they have done.

Eckhart Tolle
The Power of Now

Jon Kab-Zin
Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Judith Orloff MD
Emotional Freedom [Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions .... ]


It takes time to read and or listen. Living in a world that wants fixes RIGHT only makes it all the more harder to correct the the imbalances many of us are weighted with.

Best I can offer you Luce is not to get hung up on the "label" you think it is, or have been diagnosed with or whatever and however it is that you have come to see. The latter to that is how so many of us wind up worse than the case really ever was. Those behavioral patterns andydroid listed are bad symptoms to an illness that's plagued mankind for some time now and it continues to evolve at an alarming rate! Many of those symptom are all mentioned in anyone of those three books I have recommended above -> and ways in which to overcome them. (knowledge that can't really be sold or gained just from reading - but learning to learn is the first step) So much so, that I just changed my Signature so that others may consider reading them as I have done. But they are only guides ... just as my perceptions have changed through reading those books, the illness that plagues us as a society can not really be defined in one or two conditions and then be overcome with this of that prescription. Sure they can help in a crisis - but don't become hooked on the quick fix mentality. You'll be clinging to your label and those meds for the rest of your life.

Be very careful -> as I see a lot of new blood come into forums like these ... they tend to wind up in a feeding frenzy driving themselves into despair with the many labels they have come to bear. They quickly become professionals in their own right on various conditions. They are well versed in all the pharmaceuticals and readily advice others on what to or not to take experiment on and so forth.
__________________________________________

1st - Know that You are NOT your condition.
2nd - conditions evolve! Open to change. Do Not allow your condition and those that hand them out to dictate your path.

Read through that list that andydroid has been so kind to share there. I really enjoyed that and it made me think as I went through each one of them.

Lastly - about the reading and researching ... It's great to self empower like so ... but be sure to stand back and look at the bigger picture from time to time. I often consume myself ... finding space helps me to re-assimilate all the stuff I previously read. READ UP for sure and educate yourself ... find out how much more you really are than those lables define ... and all that I tried to mention earlier ... Just make finding space a part of that and you will see ... the space part I talk about now is in the first two books I mention ... with Emotional Freedom more about Identifying how it is we fit on the scale.

Find out who you really are and what really makes us tick - Don't take the quick way ... just make the effort to find out a good habit so that quick fixes become more distasteful and something you will naturally come to avoid.

Take Care and Best Wishes.
Dave.