My friend is very depressed

[Joe.]

For about a year he's been somewhat depressed, but recently its got much worse. He won't leave the house and spend all day in bed. He is petrified of seeking help, he's only told his close friends.
I unfortunately don't know how to help him....
What should I do?
What should he do?

[Im-Suffering]

For about a year he's been somewhat depressed, but recently its got much worse. He won't leave the house and spend all day in bed. He is petrified of seeking help, he's only told his close friends.
I unfortunately don't know how to help him....
What should I do?
What should he do?

Background information

[Joe.]

Background information

What do you mean exactly? Sorry haha

I don't want to tell you things he doesn't want people to know thats all

[Im-Suffering]

things he doesn't want people to know

Yea, those things.

Or a hair, toenail, and something he has touched for my cauldron concoction. then I can put some sort of spell on him.

Wait till he is asleep and then get them for me.

[Joe.]

What he says is he blames this from all his relationships failing, he's also got a lot of pressure with exams and with very strict parents. Honestly that's all I can think of.

[Kuma]

Someone who is so depressed that they cannot function needs to consult a psychiatrist. Seems to me all you can do is be available to talk with him and, more importantly, listen to him, and encourage him to consult a psychiatrist.

[Im-Suffering]

I will break it down for you, in your own words, so you know his issues.


He blames this from all his relationships failing #1

He's also got a lot of pressure with exams #2

And with very strict parents. #3 (biggie, and the cause of all of it)

Honestly that's all I can think of - Theres plenty more but nonetheless.

The parents have destroyed this young man. And his ability to have lasting mutually beneficial relationships. His despondency or 'depression' is due to he cannot solve his problems. Too much pressure from without, too weak under the domineering criticism and expectations.

ITS NOT HIS FAULT.

But, be careful my young friend, that you don't get caught up in this....It may not end quite as you would hope if the dynamics remain the same. He must change for circumstance to change.

In this case a therapist may help or harm, adding to his powerlessness, and the duration before they begin to attack the problem. He might spend 3 months in the therapists room without seeing results, and that will symbolically add a failure to the list. That could be devastating and the straw that breaks the back.

He must CHANGE IMMEDIATELY, and swiftly speak his mind, stand up and advocate, have the courage to face the monsters (you know who) with his truth. Ask him what that truth is, you see, get it out of him.

That is all, I can go on all day, but this one is fearful even for me. I feel uneasy.

[Joe.]

I will break it down for you, in your own words, so you know his issues.



The parents have destroyed this young man. And his ability to have lasting mutually beneficial relationships. His despondency or 'depression' is due to he cannot solve his problems. Too much pressure from without, too weak under the domineering criticism and expectations.

ITS NOT HIS FAULT.

But, be careful my young friend, that you don't get caught up in this....It may not end quite as you would hope if the dynamics remain the same. He must change for circumstance to change.

In this case a therapist may help or harm, adding to his powerlessness, and the duration before they begin to attack the problem. He might spend 3 months in the therapists room without seeing results, and that will symbolically add a failure to the list. That could be devastating and the straw that breaks the back.

He must CHANGE IMMEDIATELY, and swiftly speak his mind, stand up and advocate, have the courage to face the monsters (you know who) with his truth. Ask him what that truth is, you see, get it out of him.

That is all, I can go on all day, but this one is fearful even for me. I feel uneasy.

Yeah that's true. I've advised him to see a therapist.
Thanks

[Joe.]

Someone who is so depressed that they cannot function needs to consult a psychiatrist. Seems to me all you can do is be available to talk with him and, more importantly, listen to him, and encourage him to consult a psychiatrist.

Yeah that's true. Just wish more people were supportive.
He's going to see a psychiatrist soon
Thanks

[Im-Suffering]

Yeah that's true. Just wish more people were supportive.
He's going to see a psychiatrist soon
Thanks

You have not received much help here, Joe, Im afraid.

"freedom"
"freedom"
"freedom"

Show him that possibility - A future. Do you understand?

[Kuma]

<<Yeah that's true. Just wish more people were supportive. He's going to see a psychiatrist soon. Thanks>>

I am sure it is frustrating not to be able to do more to help your friend. But, honestly, there are limits to what we can do.

I'm Suffering says your friend must "Change Immediately" -- but of course people do not "change immediately" (at least in fundamental ways) -- and even if that were not the case, I doubt you can cause your friend to "change immediately."

And, really, none of us are qualified to say what your friend needs, especially based on the very limited information you have provided. I'm Suffering is just making stuff up. And if I were to give advice about what your friend's problem is and what he needs, I would just be making it up too.

If you told us your friend has a very rapid heart beat, someone might say "I bet that is due to due to hyperthyroidism and he should take methimazole." It might make you feel good that someone gave specific advice. But that person would just be making stuff up, because there are many other causes of tachycardia -- and even in the case of thyroid disease, some people should not take methimazole. So the advice would be irresponsible and potentially dangerous. And psychological conditions are no less complex than medical ones. That is why making armchair diagnoses and recommendations is dangerous. Because what someone is recommending could be wrong, and counterproductive, or even dangerous. That is why I suggested a consult with a psychiatrist -- someone who can learn the facts and circumstances, and make recommendations based on professional expertise.

[Saber_Wing]

I agree with Kuma. A change is clearly necessary, but it isn't going to happen overnight. First he must make the decision to change, and try to get better, no matter what he has to do to achieve that. I've had many friends who suffered from depression, and members of my family struggle with bi-polar disorder. When it comes right down to it, all you can do is be there for him. You can't make the decision for him. And, as much as it hurts to see him like that, there is nothing you can do to 'take' his depression away. I know it feels horrible, and it makes you feel powerless, but you're not. Just being there for him helps immensely. Listen to him, talk to him, let him know he is loved, and he is not alone. That's really the most you can do, and it will make a difference.

[Im-Suffering]

"people do not change immediately" is a belief (false).

Now, making the decision to change is what takes (time).

Often that decision never happens (or slow to happen due to inner conflicts). and so you can conclude, "he'll never change", or "the change in him was gradual". Ultimately adopting the belief "change takes time" with enough corroborating evidence. As the poster above this one has worked out. (saber-wing).

It is true however, a belief change will instantly change the individual and the direction of his life and thought. You cannot change a core belief and have the personality slowly adopt to it, in that context, change is immediate.

This type of swift change "I no longer recognize him" often follows on the heals of shock or trauma but can also come from a conscious decision backed by the impetus of a strong emotion, one way or the other.

Indecision is the weed, if you will. Leading to despondency (depression).

Should Joe's young friend be shown moving pictures of his life in a years time, with a dire message, say he is watching a reel of his own future, magically, which includes suffering and pain, and even loss, as a result of the current conditions, the change in him could be swift and decisive. Man is capable, you see. It is within him.

The boy will play with a dog, "what a cute puppy" (belief 'dogs are friendly'). The dog will turn and bite him (shock, trauma, strong emotions, loss of reasoning faculty) - Instantly we have a changed human, the belief now "Dogs are not friendly", and so we have a different boy in a moments time. Fast forward 30 years, the man now backs away from these animals but has forgotten the original incident, the belief remains.

Now, how can this man change his belief so he does not fear dogs? Where the original event contained shock, trauma, pain, suffering and a loss of intellectual faculties 'instantly' the moment of the event, serving to disrupt the ego sufficiently to instantaneously implant a belief. How does he change again now? CBT, or therapy, or positive suggestions? Or maybe force of will?

What about a decision (backed by definiteness of purpose) but without trauma or shock?

I will leave that to you, because if you can figure that out, you can be anxiety free within the next 5 minutes.

Now, I told Joe to do his best, consistently, to paint a future for his friend, one of opportunity, fun, joy, freedom, and strength (and so forth). Because the young man currently is picturing the opposite. That's what can be done for him. He is susceptible to influence, so act wisely in those terms, beneficial to how you want to see him (future), not how he is (present). If you, Joe, see him now as lonely, depressed, etc then you are adding fuel to the fire. See him as he can be, in his highest regard, even if it does not show, in that way you balance his negative feelings, and give him a boost, so to speak.

He is drawing from the ether (from all possible thought), negative thoughts by the law of attraction to his own and thus fueling the depressive state. You Joe, are prone to negative feelings as well, and so you attract each other. You must snap out of it, at least while your around him, pay it forward Joe.

And some day he will thank you and say "Joe saw in me what I couldn't see in myself, always keeping my spirits high and showing me that I could make it, he saw the best in me, I thank him for being there"

That's what you can do, while you ship him off to therapy. (I am not for or against that). Your friend is giving you a gift, the lesson to learn to think aright, and change yourself, you see. There's an opportunity in everything for self growth if you look for it. By practicing positivity for your friend, and learning how to picture a good future, if you will, you can reshape your own. "instantly".

You've chosen some journey at 15, friend.

[Kuma]

<<Now, how can this man change his belief so he does not fear dogs? Where the original event contained shock, trauma, pain, suffering . . . I will leave that to you, because if you can figure that out, you can be anxiety free within the next 5 minutes.>>

Maybe he could bite a dog. Then he will see that he has the same power to cause harm to dogs that the dogs have to cause harm to him. So he will not feel powerless next to a dog because he will realize that the leverage (power to inflict harm) is not skewed entirely against him. If he does not want to bite a live dog (because that is not a very nice thing to do, and the dog might get upset about it), he could go to a Korean restaurant and eat cooked dog. Maybe that would have the same impact on him. He would realize "yes, dog can bite man, but man can also bite dog."

CBT would be another option. But a plate of grilled dog is cheaper.

[Joe.]

"people do not change immediately" is a belief (false).

Now, making the decision to change is what takes (time).

Often that decision never happens (or slow to happen due to inner conflicts). and so you can conclude, "he'll never change", or "the change in him was gradual". Ultimately adopting the belief "change takes time" with enough corroborating evidence. As the poster above this one has worked out. (saber-wing).

It is true however, a belief change will instantly change the individual and the direction of his life and thought. You cannot change a core belief and have the personality slowly adopt to it, in that context, change is immediate.

This type of swift change "I no longer recognize him" often follows on the heals of shock or trauma but can also come from a conscious decision backed by the impetus of a strong emotion, one way or the other.

Indecision is the weed, if you will. Leading to despondency (depression).

Should Joe's young friend be shown moving pictures of his life in a years time, with a dire message, say he is watching a reel of his own future, magically, which includes suffering and pain, and even loss, as a result of the current conditions, the change in him could be swift and decisive. Man is capable, you see. It is within him.

The boy will play with a dog, "what a cute puppy" (belief 'dogs are friendly'). The dog will turn and bite him (shock, trauma, strong emotions, loss of reasoning faculty) - Instantly we have a changed human, the belief now "Dogs are not friendly", and so we have a different boy in a moments time. Fast forward 30 years, the man now backs away from these animals but has forgotten the original incident, the belief remains.

Now, how can this man change his belief so he does not fear dogs? Where the original event contained shock, trauma, pain, suffering and a loss of intellectual faculties 'instantly' the moment of the event, serving to disrupt the ego sufficiently to instantaneously implant a belief. How does he change again now? CBT, or therapy, or positive suggestions? Or maybe force of will?

What about a decision (backed by definiteness of purpose) but without trauma or shock?

I will leave that to you, because if you can figure that out, you can be anxiety free within the next 5 minutes.

Now, I told Joe to do his best, consistently, to paint a future for his friend, one of opportunity, fun, joy, freedom, and strength (and so forth). Because the young man currently is picturing the opposite. That's what can be done for him. He is susceptible to influence, so act wisely in those terms, beneficial to how you want to see him (future), not how he is (present). If you, Joe, see him now as lonely, depressed, etc then you are adding fuel to the fire. See him as he can be, in his highest regard, even if it does not show, in that way you balance his negative feelings, and give him a boost, so to speak.

He is drawing from the ether (from all possible thought), negative thoughts by the law of attraction to his own and thus fueling the depressive state. You Joe, are prone to negative feelings as well, and so you attract each other. You must snap out of it, at least while your around him, pay it forward Joe.

And some day he will thank you and say "Joe saw in me what I couldn't see in myself, always keeping my spirits high and showing me that I could make it, he saw the best in me, I thank him for being there"

That's what you can do, while you ship him off to therapy. (I am not for or against that). Your friend is giving you a gift, the lesson to learn to think aright, and change yourself, you see. There's an opportunity in everything for self growth if you look for it. By practicing positivity for your friend, and learning how to picture a good future, if you will, you can reshape your own. "instantly".

You've chosen some journey at 15, friend.

Thanks! Very insightful.

I'll definitely take that on board. Even though I don't completely agree with the Law of attraction, there is truth in it.

Just to clarify when I said 'wish there was more support' I meant I wish he had a support network himself

[Joe.]

I agree with Kuma. A change is clearly necessary, but it isn't going to happen overnight. First he must make the decision to change, and try to get better, no matter what he has to do to achieve that. I've had many friends who suffered from depression, and members of my family struggle with bi-polar disorder. When it comes right down to it, all you can do is be there for him. You can't make the decision for him. And, as much as it hurts to see him like that, there is nothing you can do to 'take' his depression away. I know it feels horrible, and it makes you feel powerless, but you're not. Just being there for him helps immensely. Listen to him, talk to him, let him know he is loved, and he is not alone. That's really the most you can do, and it will make a difference.

Very true thanks.
He's feeling better now actually, which is some coincidence, think its because of his firm decision to open up and seek help now

[gauth1234]

There isnt really much you can do. For a matter of fact he cant do much either. This is all related to brain chemistry. Just let your friend know that you are there when needed.