Im back, sorry for those who were wondering.

[Coobie]

So yeah, I have been MIA for about a month now, for different reasons.

I am currently trying to get things underway so I can go back to a doctor to be put back on meds.
You know what makes me sad, the fact that during the day I can feel fairly normal, but in the back of my head, I am always wondering or worrying about something. It also makes me sad/mad to know that when the sun goes down I become a worry freak..

I don't bother to sleep at night because either A) I wake up every 20 mins shaken with anxiety (I still don't know why this happens) B) I sleep for like 3 hours instead of the entire night and then want to be up all the next day or C) I just cant sleep because I am to busy scared to death I won't wake up the next morning.

I have tried all kinds of things to maybe persuade my thoughts, the only thing that works is writing, but sometimes that isn't enough. It's always worse at night for me. Like last night for instance, I finally passed out around 3:30 and then my husband decided to get up and let the dogs out at 4:30 and woke me up abruptly.. so first I felt the anxiety and the nerves, and I turned over to get his phone to check the time, turned back, went to put my head down on the pillow and it was almost like a dizzy feeling, like right before you fall over or right before you pass out.. it scared the CRAP out of me and I sat up and immediately freaked out. I was terrified to lay back down because I thought it was my brain trying to tell me it sprung a leak somewhere, or I have a aneurysm... Needless to say I sat there all upset while my husband tried to scratch my back and calm me back down.. IT took till 6am for me to go back to sleep.. and I was still scared when I woke up...

In fact, its 11:22pm and I am still scared.. im obsessively worrying over that weird feeling I had and I am scared to go to bed in case I don't wake up.

I told my husband I want an MRI (even tho Im scared to get one they may find something, so i probably wont go) and my heart checked out..just so maybe I can convince the rest of me that I am okay. God.. there is ALWAYS SOMETHING.. cancer, the newest thing is diabetes. I am scared to eat certain things in case it triggers anxiety, or makes my stomach feel gross, or clogs my entire digestive system... all these thoughts.. I hate it..

I had a REALLY BAD couple of days last week.. had my period and felt like I was literally losing it, that I could black out and kill someone.. it was very very crazy.. I guess hormones and anxiety will do that.. add my depersonalization that I tend to get from time to time and WOW what a mess. I DO NOT FEEl LIKE ME AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO ME IS ANYMORE!!! IM ALWAYS AFRAID!

Im scared of every weird feeling, every weird anything that happens to me and my body..

Is it true that you manifest symptoms because you are afraid?? Like if I think I have stomach cancer, I could cause my stomach to hurt more etc? Because I think if thats true, I may be manifesting alot of this in my own head...its just eating away at me now.

I feel so sdklgjd;ljd; right now that I cant shut up.. i just want everyone to read this and feel how I feel .. so i dont have to be so scared anymore..

i keep thinking that what if i get on meds and they dont work (altho i was on effexor and it did work) .. like what if I am past being helped? What if I take them and NOTHiNG happens... =*(

Im so out of my own self. :cry:

[csand31381]

OMG...I so feel what you are going threw. I do the same thing nonstop I am scared all the time. I lost my father 5 years ago to lung cancer so I think I am going to get it to. Lost some one else to brain cancer and I think I am going to get that to. I am also scared to sleep at night thinking I am not going to wake up. I stopped smoking because I thought I had lung cancer. I tell my self I dont have it but then my mind says what if what will I do. The thought of me not being here any more scares the hell out of me. I feel like I am really going to lose my mind. I feel like no one understands me and no one cares. I am tired of feeling like this its taking over my life. As like you every little pain I think there is something wrong with. I so wish I could be young again with no worries and just feel good again. I also hate night time thats when Its the worst for me I am just really tired of feeling this way.

[02Batmobile]

Wow, I don't know what to say. Every sentence and every word is THE EXACT SAME THING THAT I FEEL AND HAVE FELT IN THE PAST. Long story short: I developed this Anxiety in 2003, soon after I was better with the help of Lexapro. Since then, I have been jus' fine. My ol' self again. For some reason, I've been feeling a lil' anxiety again. I stopped taking the meds for about 8 months too. There is so much I want to tell you but I am limited to only this post. AOL Instant Message me sometime so we can talk more in depth. I will say this though: You are not alone! Anxiety is the number one mental health complaint in the US affecting 19 million people! It is also one of the most treatable conditions out there too!! Everything you have said, I have related too. Every symptom you've described is a classic, text-book symptom of anxiety. You have to realize that what you feel is normal. I would freak out about anything. If I'm feeling the anxiety, I would freak out before. I would say, "What is this? Why am I feeling this? NO!! I will fight it! It will not stay with me!!". This type of talking is negative and aggravates the anxiety. Now I say, "Ok, my heart is beating fast but this is ok. This is the anxiety and I will ride with these feelings." It has helped me out tremendously. I know it sounds hopeless to you probably. Trust me, I've been there. Feeling hopeless, like nothing out there is going to work. I've felt like I had the worst condition of GAD and I felt like no amount of work will help me. No pill will cure me. No doctor will help me and so on and so forth. It's the emotional part of the anxiety: the hopelessness that is talking. Everything you've stated is a normal reaction to anxiety! The fear of going crazy, the irrational fears of cancers, tumors or terminal illness is something that I thought about constantly too!!! We all do!! Don't worry!!!! You are ok!! Feel like your going to lose it? I have felt that way millions of times and you know what? I haven't! You haven't either!! The depersonalization/derealization is something that used to freak the crap out of me. I know exactly what you are going through and feeling. I understand you completely. I am re-reading your post and can't believe the similarities in your post. Like that "dizzy feeling, like right before you fall over or right before you pass out.. it scared the CRAP out of me and I sat up and Immediately freaked out." I felt just like that. Dizzy spells are very normal. It used to freak me out when I would feel any physical symptom out of the norm. Again, now I try to talk myself out of it and it helps. It truly does. You are not alone!

Hang in there,
-James (AOL Instant Message Me!!)

[Paul_H]

Hi Coobie,

Is there any possibility of you being able to fall asleep sitting up to see if it makes a difference? You said:

"went to put my head down on the pillow and it was almost like a dizzy feeling, like right before you fall over or right before you pass out.. it scared the CRAP out of me and I sat up and immediately freaked out. "

What you said screams "positional" to me. When you went horizontal, you freaked. I sleep with a dog pile of pillows. My head is almost vertical when I sleep. I know why now, but I've been doing it for longer than the amount of time I've known the reason why.

Here is a question for you. What organ tells your brain, besides your eyes being able to see it that you are now horizontal versus vertical?

Answer: Your inner ear.

What is one of the first things checked for in an otherwise normally healthy adult or child (not a senior citizen) who presents symptoms of dizziness (which you complained of in your post) in the absence of any anxiety symptoms?

Again, the answer is the inner ear. There are many other things that can cause dizziness, but the most common one is a problem with your inner-ears (vestibular system).

One more question. Besides the dizziness, do you have any other symptoms of ear problems, like a feeling of pressure or "fullness" in them, tinnitus (ringing), motion sickness in cars/boats/planes, Off-balance feelings, fear of heights, looking down staircases, clumsiness, dis-coordination?

If so, I would recommend a visit to an ENT (ear nose and throat specialist). Here is another reason why you may want to look into it. I haven't had a panic attack in 16 years by pursuing this line of thinking. I was officially diagnosed with panic disorder and was quickly becoming agoraphobic. I used to crawl on my hands and knees around my apartment for fear of standing up and making my heart race and pound any harder than it already was. That is how bad it got for me. But even notice here in my compensation method the connection to a vestibular problem. One is much more stable on their hands and knees than standing. Standing requires proper vestibular input. Easy for me to see looking back on it all, once I knew the underlying problem.

I was also officially diagnosed with an inner ear condition called "endolymphatic hydrops." My ears always feel full because my body is unable to maintain a proper fluid level/pressure in the inner ear. I took a vestibular medication 16 years ago and have not had 1 panic attack since and the anxiety has been diminished by 95%. The med cleared 90% of the anxiety within 45 minutes. The drug is called meclizine (trade name anti-vert) and it strictly targets the inner ear. Side effects minimal if taken right before bedtime. I take it daily, 25 mg. At first 25 was too much and went with 12.5 but now that I've been taking it off and on (mostly on) for 16 years, 25mg is a breeze. It is an OTC med, but please don't anyone self-medicate based on what I've written here. There may be drug interactions or allergic reactions to consider. Also, meclizine may not be the the vestibular therapy or drug that works for you, there are many others that may work better and only a professional can determine that.

If what I've written here makes sense or you feel it may apply to you, the absolute best source of information that explains this connection is a book written by the man I accredit with saving my life, a Dr. named Harold N. Levinson. The name of the book is "Phobia Free" Don't let the title fool you though. There are plenty of panic/anxiety case histories in there as well and I think even 1 case of OCD. Find a copy if this interests you. Most larger libraries should have a copy or get it used on amazon for about a buck-fifty or less for I have no financial interest in Levinson's work, only an emotional one.

I have a message that Bridgie posted for me on this forum. The title is "posting for new member Paul." I had to ask her to post it for me because the system here doesn't allow the posting of messages with links until you've been registered 7 days and have made 10 posts. The message contains 14 links to the abstracts of medical studies at the national institutes health website showing a link between vestibular problems and anxiety/panic. It also contains a link to the symptoms page of the official website for the Vestibular Disorders Association, VEDA for short. The link shows possible symptoms of vestibular disorders. If you do this, please note that under the cognitive and psychological section, panic and anxiety are clearly listed. Most who follow this link will be surprised at how many different and varied symptoms that can arise from a vestibular problem.

Well, that's all for now, hope it may help someone. That is why I'm here, to help in any way I can. I have to help. The attacks left me no choice. To go through each day just knowing that someone else may be suffering from these nasty attacks really disturbs me. Please feel free to PM or e-mail me regarding this issue if you have any questions or just post in here, whatever works. I think I made my e-mail address visible when I signed up.

Sincerely,

Paul C. Hanson