Hi. Anxiety history.

[zefan13]

Hello Everyone. I look forward to joining the conversation. Just to give a summary of my medical history:

--I had viral encephalitis when I was seven years old. This led to epilepsy, which I have had since then and technically will have all my life (it's considered a chronic condition, if I'm not mistake).
--Due in part to this event and the epilepsy, I also have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), panic disorder, and bipolar II disorder.
--I'm a textbook introvert, i.e., I generally prefer solitude and calm, quiet, or casual ways to spend leisure time (e.g., reading, writing, watching movies, walking/hiking, etc.). I don't like huge get-togethers or pretentious events (i.e., if it requires formal attire, I'm probably not interested). Though I do like to "get out" now and then, I may have a great time, I still leave feeling exhausted by all the external stimuli.
--I'm not exactly a "social butterfly." I have a few, very good and close friends. I don't bother myself with superficial relations or gatherings. I can't stand chit-chatting. I love to have deep, meaningful discussions (e.g., philosophy, religion, politics, important current events, etc.). Frankly, to put it in a somewhat cynical way, I find the world often becomes more interesting when people stop talking.
--My anxiety/panic can be triggered by numerous things, including loud, noisy, dense crowds, meeting new people, getting lost (I tend to get angry when I get lost), performance in school, the future and its many possibilities, general uncertainty...the list goes on...
--I'm moody, and lately I have experienced a lot of arbitrary downswings in my mood (hence the bipolar II).

As for non-medical matters: I'm 25; I attend graduate school part-time with the hopes of obtaining a Master's in Library and Information Studies; I live alone but my sister will be moving in with me shortly; I recently broke up with my first girlfriend (2.5 years) for not the best of reasons (this, I imagine, has also not helped my anxiety and depression management lately); I have three part-time library jobs as I attend school.

I'll leave it at that for now. I'm sorry if this intro is a bit overwhelming (no pun intended).

[Kuma]

Hello. You seem like a very self-aware person. You know who you are and what you enjoy and don't enjoy, and you are able to describe all of that clearly and coherently. One of the good things about "knowing who you are" is that you are able to minimize your exposure to things that tend to heighten your anxiety (as opposed to the many people who feel anxiety but are not quite sure why, or what triggers it). Sometimes you may decide to do something that you know will trigger your anxiety (for example, go to a large party because a good friend really wants you to do so or work or school requires it, even though you would prefer not to do that) -- but because you "know yourself well" you do that with your eyes open. I really do think that knowing yourself well is important. The second part of that is feeling comfortable with who you are. For example, not wishing that you were more social or extraverted or better at small talk. But instead acknowledging that the world needs all types -- including your type -- and being comfortable in your own skin, so to speak. You can make a perfectly nice life for yourself as a quiet introvert with a few very close friends.

The Bipolar needs treatment, of course, and I assume you are getting that. But Bipolar is very treatable, so need not interfere with a happy and successful life.

Best wishes.

[zefan13]

Thank You, Kuma. You're quite insightful. Yes, I am quite self-aware (perhaps too much so at times). And yes, I do like to break out of my shell (or comfort zone), or, as you put it, do something atypical "with my eyes open" from time to time.

As I mentioned initially, I had a very bad break-up, and it took place only about a week before I started grad school. In one way, it was very bad timing--being betrayed by someone with whom I once thought I'd spend the rest of my life--but in another way, I suppose I can seize this as an opportunity to "find myself," as my parents' generation would put it. My friends and family have said this to me numerous times--that it's a time for me to be a little self-absorbed, in a constructive way.

So, I suppose at some subconscious level, the break-up still bothers me. I really loved her more than anything else on the planet at one point. But I also made the not uncommon mistake of devoting too much of my time and attention to her, I learned in retrospect. I guess what bothers me the most is that, while I have experienced and endured a lot of pain, and many types of it, I had never experienced the pain of such betrayal. Live and learn.

(Sorry. I didn't mean to start a sob story. I'm not looking for pity. I just elaborated on that point because it's probably exacerbated my anxiety and depression lately.)

[Kuma]

A breakup with someone you love or care deeply about can be really tough (and a sense of betrayal certainly does not make it any easier). Nearly everyone would find that difficult. Indeed, if you did not find it difficult, then one would wonder how much you really cared about this person...

Hopefully it will not impair your ability to give fully of yourself when you meet someone else -- as you inevitably will. (There can be a tendency to hold back a bit when you have been betrayed, so as not to expose yourself to being hurt again). But if you are aware of that risk -- and if you really like the new person you meet -- you can guard against it.

But give yourself time, and don't expect too much of yourself. People tend to be resilient -- and time is a good healer -- but one does not get over a breakup immediately. It would not be reasonable to expect that of yourself.

Your point about being sometimes "too self aware" is an interesting one, which I have also thought about. It is of course good to be thoughtful about who you are, and what you are feeling, and where you want your life to head, etc. But it is also important to let loose a bit and have a good time and do what you enjoy. "Serious and introspective" is OK -- but you don't want to do too much of it!