Extreme avoidance?

[aml0017]

So I've still been in a funk, still spending a lot of time in my bed reading. I have wondered if I was depressed but somehow I think it is a state of extreme avoidance.

This recent episode of anxiety started a few months ago when my sink was leaking, my TV broke, my cell phone broke, my fan broke. It was like everything making me anxious was in my house. I actually feel better when I am at work or outside. I still go through the daily routine with some anxiety.

This is not normal, my home has usually been my safe haven. Now it seems I have narrowed my safe zone to my bedroom. It's like I take these things going wrong as some kind of personal failure. Not the events themselves but the fact I feel so ill equipped to deal with them at 34 yo.

Maybe it's a good thing. I was always ok, or thought I was, as long as I could come home and be "safe", but all the time I was still just avoiding facing the real problem, that I have no self worth. I know this but I still haven't found the courage to face my inner self, I guess I'm too scared of what I will find.

[smartscrutiny]

Hey there - that sounds pretty rough. Have you ever seen a therapist, and if so, was it helpful for you?

[Im-Suffering]

Lets take a closer look here :


"So I've still been in a funk, still spending a lot of time in my bed reading. I have wondered if I was depressed but somehow I think it is a state of extreme avoidance". - Not depressed, despondent.

Depression it the overall result of despondency.

Despondent : In low spirits from loss of hope or courage, period.

"This recent episode of anxiety started a few months ago when my sink was leaking, my TV broke, my cell phone broke, my fan broke. It was like everything making me anxious was in my house. I actually feel better when I am at work or outside. I still go through the daily routine with some anxiety." -

Money. Overwhelming. Despondent. Low self worth. It feels better to go to work because money is equated with worth, you see. And so partly those beliefs are tied together. Work to you equals money, and so it feels good (because of the belief) to make the money as the house crumbles. Even if you feel less than equipped to handle what you yourself create. The fear of poverty (which includes low esteem and criticism) will eventually if strong enough pervade the safe house, because the beliefs about money are far reaching, money also equals safety. (to you).

"This is not normal, my home has usually been my safe haven. Now it seems I have narrowed my safe zone to my bedroom. It's like I take these things going wrong as some kind of personal failure. Not the events themselves but the fact I feel so ill equipped to deal with them at 34 yo."

- Again, the very strong beliefs about money. Inherently you are not a failure, due to a physical objects (around the home or the home itself) being defective. Replacing them, not having the financial security however, is seen as failure. "I am a failure" (is the core belief), and so you must get out, bring the money home. The house is only as safe as the banks approval, monthly, and can be swept out from under you at any time. The lack of faith in yourself, in a large part, comes from the feelings of the anxiety, which you believe are controlling. The thoughts are overpowering.

The events in the home (and life in general) symbolize the crippling effects of anxiety and are produced and manifested because of it. A test.

"Maybe it's a good thing. I was always ok, or thought I was, as long as I could come home and be "safe".

- Where you ever truly safe - The very nature of anxiety tests 'safety' - and that is a big part of the condition, psychologically. Anxiety will continue to test and eliminate each 'safe haven' until one is left with nothing to do but trust. Do you understand?

"but all the time I was still just avoiding facing the real problem, that I have no self worth. I know this but I still haven't found the courage to face my inner self, I guess I'm too scared of what I will find." -

You are not scared of what you will find, because you will eventually find peace. What you are scared of you are up against every day, in a very real sense fear has already found you, and it is relentless in its pursuit. And so you don't have to search for anything, just stop running.

Avoidance is the appropriate term here, I suppose, if you examine your life as a whole. It would help you to look down at yourself from a larger perspective, so to speak. Rather than nitpick.

What I have bolded above is possibly the edifying statement you need to hear, so it is worth repeating. You are learning that you create your reality. Including the leaks and cracks and the television set.

"The events in the home (and life in general) symbolize the crippling effects of anxiety and are produced and manifested because of it. A test."

The anxiety itself a product of despondency and a lack of self-power, so it is fitting the personal environment would reflect that mental state of mind. I behoove you to get up, stand up, pull your bootstraps up and act courageously one step in front of the other.

Symbolically beneficial in regaining a sense of self, and worth. No matter how small the acts of courage, Purposefully act courageous. And use your imagination to picture yourself acting as if, in imagined situations. Possibly calling a handyman, you see, to take care of every issue at home at once, at a good and fair price. Or using the broken phone as a reason, to replace it with that shiny new model you have your eye on.

Fear is often overcome by forced repetition of acts of courage.

I have nothing further unless there are questions.

[aml0017]

smart, I have done therapy in the past, mostly talk therapy, some cbt. It has been years though, I don't feel it is helpful to me to go and just rehash my childhood and mother issues again. I don't need to learn more coping mechanisms. I already know how to "cope", that is part of my problem. I cope so well I have just accepted that I will have to cope for my whole life. It's been 20 years, I'm past "coping".

I know therapy is a help to a lot of people, if just to be able to be open bout their fears. I just feel it was limited for me. I had one great therapist who helped me so much for one semester in college. But that was more because he was just a great listener and helped me see my anxiety for what it was, that I was not just going crazy.

[aml0017]

I'm suffering, wow that is a great response, thanks! You touched on a lot of what I am feeling right now that I was not able to put into words. I do agree despondency is the right word for what i am experiencing right now. I am at work right now but I am going to read again later on when I can put my full attention.

[aml0017]

I am just remembering I meant to come back and reply to your post, I'm Suffering. Your post really did make me think a lot. I do see how I view money and work as a safety net. I don't have much money but I have enough for what I need, for now. It seems cliche' to think "money can't buy happiness" but I think I do believe that on some level. Not that money would necessarily prevent my house from needing maintenance but that it would make me feel more able to do something about it, or even get a better house etc. But even if I won the lottery tomorrow, it would not change the fact that I am deriving my self worth from these transient things like money, homes, phones, etc. which mean nothing in and of themselves. Even if I work as hard as I can there is no guarantee I will have a job tomorrow anyway.

I do truly believe that the anxiety is a test, and i do need to act courageously. Everything I have done my whole life to "cope" with the anxiety and depression has been just running away from it to avoid having to deal with it at all. To push it away for another day. Well it has been 20 years now, and all the running is tiring.

I think I am beginning to see what you are saying about creating my own reality. I do feel that I am always subconsciously searching for things to worry myself over. As soon as I solve one "problem" I will latch on to something else. It is a vicious cycle, there is always something that COULD go wrong. If I look back and remember the times in my life that were anxiety free, there must have been problems, but my mind was in such a different place that these things caused no stress. It is like I am constantly looking for the anxiety in order to prevent it - I don't know if that makes any sense to you.

Sorry if this post is a bit scattered, I'd love to hear your response.