Anxiety, university, intelligence

[QuantumLocket]

OK, I have finally found some courage to actually post this....
I'm 20 years old and study natural sciences at university. Ever since I was a little girl I was curious about everything, adored studying, watching documentaries, reading books and learning something new. Memorising information and school were never a problem for me, in fact, people called me "the walking encyclopaedia". However, the hell for me began when I entered university.
I failed a lot of my exams even though I studied. Furthermore, the majority of my professors are rude, ignorant and do not have the slightest interest in their courses and students (morality of some of them is also questionable). I am realistic and I understand that I cannot change them (nor would I) but I do not know how to cope with them. I study a lot (so much that I am ashamed to admit how much). I attend lectures at uni every single day. I do not have problems with understanding courses, I have problem with reproducing it (for example, if professors ask me something about a problem I know what and why happens but do not know how to tell it). Is it possible that I am stupid and that during all these years have been living in an illusion that I was intelligent?
Most of my professors force learning by heart (yes, even though I study science). There are people from my courses who can easily do it and pass, but I can't.
It hurts me the most that my family and friends (I have family friends who helped me with some courses) spend so much money on me. They are all supportive and do not mind my failure, but I still feel bad. I do not go out for clubbing, partying, to bars etc. because I already feel so guilty for them spending money on my education. (I can't get a part-time job)
I am afraid that I will get a nervous break down. I already have depersonalisation and derealisation disorder. Even my high school friends told me that I turned from bubbly, curious chatterbox to emotional mess. I cannot sleep at night and lost weight. I ADORE natural science and do not want to change the course, but what should I do?
Please give me some advice, because I do not know what to do next. I am stuck and cannot move forward.
Thank you all and sorry for bad English :D

[Im-Suffering]

Speak up for yourself



OK, I have finally found some courage to actually post this. - Find the same courage to speak face to face about your problems. (that you mustered up for a message board)

I failed a lot of my exams even though I studied. - This is a trigger for self discovery, the failures are meant to direct your attention inward, at the heart of the matter. In that endeavor you have succeeded

Furthermore, the majority of my professors are rude, ignorant and do not have the slightest interest in their courses and students (morality of some of them is also questionable). - Forget about them, its not about them, you know that.

I am realistic and I understand that I cannot change them (nor would I) but I do not know how to cope with them. - By advocating for yourself, the lesson in all of this, and what you are deathly afraid to do.

I do not have problems with understanding courses, I have problem with reproducing it (for example, if professors ask me something about a problem I know what and why happens but do not know how to tell it). - Advocate this, in your defense, and force accommodations for your learning

Is it possible that I am stupid and that during all these years have been living in an illusion that I was intelligent? - No, although you used your intelligence to cover over other so called deficiencies which only now are being uncovered by the experiences in school, forcing you to look at what you never wanted to see.


Most of my professors force learning by heart - Advocate this problem, and force accommodations better suited to your style of learning

I am pulling no punches here in my answer, you must become aware of the underlying issues.

Do what you have to do to solve your problems swiftly, decisively, firmly, and persistently (no blame). Voice your concerns to whoever will listen, councilors, dean, president, family, friends, teachers.

With that decision, you will gain a voice you never thought you had, and personal power that will be invaluable for the rest of your life. Your grades will improve, and there will be no more guilt, which of itself continues to harm you.

The depersonalization and derealization is a byproduct of your timidity in speech (expression) of your needs, and also the fears of criticism. (you retreat or pull back, repress and so the physical world feels less and less 'real' the more you hide away).

I am using bold letters here and large typeface, typographical emphasis, to show you how it is done, to speak out, speak loudly, assertive and firm, to have your needs met, to feel good about who you are..To find yourself and your voice in all of this and not be intimidated in any way by anyone in the fulfillment of your dreams and desires.

End of message

[Anxiety-Free]

I am assuming you had to buy a textbook for each class? Memorize every concept and definition in the textbook and complete every exercise. If the professor deviates from the textbook, write diligent notes and record the lectures if you need to. Memorize every piece of information you get and practice every equation. That is all you can do. You most likely failed your classes because you did not study enough. If you can't recite every definition, concept, and calculate every equation, then you did not study enough.

[QuantumLocket]

And that is why I have a problem with studying at the uni - I know you will not believe me, but we at the uni do not use textbooks. Not a single one. They are not even listed pro formae . Of course, I bought some books which people from similar courses but different Uni use and study from them. My professors force learning by heart from their Power Point presentations and let's just say that their presentations are not always correct (I found that out few days ago when some random scientist came to my uni and started yelling at them in front of us - but that's another story :D ). Because I cannot study from books, I have problems with reproducing (I am kinesthetic / read/write type). I am now watching online lectures on Coursera, Oxford..., and take notes from them down so I will try like that and hope for the best :)
But seriously thank you both, I appreciate you took your time to listen to me. I will surely accept your advices :D

[Anxiety-Free]

What kind of college are you going to because this sounds highly suspect.

[QuantumLocket]

Public uni in Europe. I'd rather not write where exactly so public, because it is only one uni with this specific course in my country. If you want to know more, you can PM me. Thank you once more :-)