So ashamed

[gadguy]

I have been doing my best to to learn to like myself again and accept that I am worthy, to unlearn my opinions of myself and know that I am as good as anyone else and deserving. The Holidays were a bit tough, i made it through, I was referred to by my parents as the bad child and how great my brothers were as kids. My brothers were also the popular good looking, athletic, intelligent ones, tall, straight blond hair and blue eyes, me short dumpy, nonathletic struggled with grades, and Brillo soap pad for hair of no particular color. Ok I got through that unscathed this holiday...bothered me a little but i made it without a break down...although i did realize how incredibly lonely I am, but something is stopping me from trying to start a relationship. As a child i was a bed wetter up until I was 8 or 9, I was berated berated by mother, according to her I was to lazy to get up and use the bathroom. In 2nd grade my teacher would not let me go to rest room, i was told i needed learn self control, i was only let go to restroom after i wet my pants, to this day my parents do not even know this happened. Today i always have to know were restroom is and I never pass a rest area on interstate. Something has happened this last year I have wet the bed 4 or 5 times including last night, I am a grown man almost 50, thank God I live alone, I am so embarrassed... I keep thinking I am gonna have to give up vacations, or crashing at friends place on occasion....I definitely cannot even think of meeting a woman and having her stay over or me at her place. I am going to become a prisoner in my on home....................right now I just feel hopeless about my future, its going to become more restrictive than before...I wish I knew why.

[Kuma]

The first line of your post is the key, in my opinion:

"I have been doing my best to learn to like myself again and accept that I am worthy, to unlearn my opinions of myself and know that I am as good as anyone else and deserving."

This shows you know what you need to do. It is not easy, of course. Knowing it and doing it are two different things. But knowing that you are worthy, and that you need to get past prior feelings of unworthiness, is a key first step.

I don't know whether you are in therapy or not, but a good therapist can help a lot with stuff like this.

I would also consider writing down a list of the good things about you. That probably seems like a contrived exercise (and to some extent it is), but you will see, in black and white, that there ARE many good things about you. (Maybe there are some things about you that are not good too -- but I assure you that is true about all of us!).

On the bedwetting, that is unpleasant of course but it has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person or with your character. It may be a medical issue of some sort, so I would talk with a doctor about it -- either your general practice (internal medicine) doctor, or potentially a urologist. There are some relatively simply ways this can be treated.

Best wishes.

[Im-Suffering]

The first line of your post is the key, in my opinion:

"I have been doing my best to learn to like myself again and accept that I am worthy, to unlearn my opinions of myself and know that I am as good as anyone else and deserving."

This shows you know what you need to do. It is not easy, of course. Knowing it and doing it are two different things. But knowing that you are worthy, and that you need to get past prior feelings of unworthiness, is a key first step.

I don't know whether you are in therapy or not, but a good therapist can help a lot with stuff like this.

I would also consider writing down a list of the good things about you. That probably seems like a contrived exercise (and to some extent it is), but you will see, in black and white, that there ARE many good things about you. (Maybe there are some things about you that are not good too -- but I assure you that is true about all of us!).

On the bedwetting, that is unpleasant of course but it has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person or with your character. It may be a medical issue of some sort, so I would talk with a doctor about it -- either your general practice (internal medicine) doctor, or potentially a urologist. There are some relatively simply ways this can be treated.

Best wishes.

Great advice !

"On the bedwetting, that is unpleasant of course but it has nothing at all to do with who you are as a person or with your character"

I will add that the above statement is not only true of the bedwetting but also of your looks (physical), or sports abilities, academics, any of it. We see how beautiful you are, and so must you, that's your life-purpose. Amidst all this trauma, to see yourself without shame, to find the way back, to center, and love..for you (regardless of what they did. They were only there to trigger you into remembrance of who you are, despite difficulties). All of the external stimuli is meant to lead you to the truth. The truth will set you free. You can wet your bed all day long nonstop, and your wire hair can reach to the floor and nest birds. But that does not change one wit, the magnificence of your inner light, no exceptions.

The bad in any life is only there so one can learn the opposite (about themselves). This is the process of self-discovery. The bad cannot be conceptualized, it must be experienced emotionally for any benefit. Eventually giving birth to new thought of how you can get back to the 'good' or 'love'. The same can be said about the people in your life. In order to experience this 'bad self', you must have the help of others. And so spiritually speaking, the (bad) people are there to give you a 'gift' and help you on your way.

Long before school, and your first bedwet, you were experiencing (thinking about, brooding over, beginning to believe it about yourself) self-shame. Most likely from conditioning as a child early on. And so you were projecting an image of shame you see (out into the world), and met with the consequences. Your teacher was a mirror, of how you felt inside, before the experience, and frankly for the experience to even happen. Bedwetting was a tool, it could have been anything that produces the emotion, you call shame.

Another words, since shame (and its associative negative beliefs like guilt, low esteem etc) is not innate, (you are born graceful, no exceptions), it is learned, period. You were taught to feel this way, molded and shaped through experience. The bedwetting reinforced the idea upon your psyche. As we said, you must experience an idea, not just a concept of it.

That's all I have. We are here because you are worth it.

This post contains advanced spiritual concepts that you may not connect with. Try to feel it out, as you read it at least a few times.

[Dahila]

I am deeply moved by your post. There was a huge mistake on your mother's. I had this problem with my son, but somehow we came out very clean and without any scaring. He is grown up and he remembers that it was nothing. In his situation he was overshadowed by my terrible ex husband. I do sympathies with you, age has nothing to do with self esteem. I think you need to get a good therapist and check with specialist, maybe there is some wrong with your bladder and can be fixed. Therapy is the must. I recommend the meditation (I always do) it would help you to achieve a clearer picture of you and learn to love you for what you are. Everyone of us is special and is different from others. This is what makes human race so interesting. Do not worry my friend you will get a lot of good advice here. We have a lot of smart people on forum :))

[gadguy]

Thanx for the advice, I have written on here earlier and have been doing what I'm-Suffering suggested and it has been a great help in unlearning what I have been learned to believe about myself. This new thing just came as a shock last night/this morning. Like I said it happened several times last year, but I blamed it on over medicating myself and not being able to wake up or self medicating (drinking to much), last year was just bad. I have since quit over medicating and drinking...so the incident this morning was a complete and shocking surprise. I will admit I am terrified.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanx for the advice, I have written on here earlier and have been doing what I'm-Suffering suggested and it has been a great help in unlearning what I have been learned to believe about myself. This new thing just came as a shock last night/this morning. Like I said it happened several times last year, but I blamed it on over medicating myself and not being able to wake up or self medicating (drinking to much), last year was just bad. I have since quit over medicating and drinking...so the incident this morning was a complete and shocking surprise. I will admit I am terrified.

Things come up as they are needed on your journey to look at and overcome anything that does not suit you, or make you feel good. It is no coincidence that as you are doing the self work, the bedwetting comes up because it is intimately tied in to the current feelings. So it comes up not to terrify you, but to show you in part what the shame feels like to experience, and also as a memory trigger to look back from an adult perspective and analyze the experiences that led to conclusions about you that you no longer want to keep. The bedwetting is symbolic because in of itself it is not important, but linked to shame it must be healed. It is not good for you to hold onto these feelings. Its not about the bedwetting, its about the (feeling of) shame only.

By example, if someone is doing self work earnestly about self worth, etc, and they run into an old classmate (at the market) that bullied them in school, it is only a trigger, and also gives that person the opportunity to heal with the bully. So the 'chance' meeting has a purpose other than for that person to run into the bathroom and hide, as he did in school. Even that will serve a purpose raising the memories by association that maybe he hid from himself until that point. giving him the opportunity to look at the pain and heal it, from a different perspective than that of an abused child (as he hid in the bathroom at school, what he told himself, about himself...coward, weak, etc), you see.

And that's what the bedwetting is now, an opportunity to clear it out. Once it is truly cleared you wont worry about it happening in front of others, and frankly if it does, there will be no shame attached to it. For instance, I could urinate all over myself in public and that would not cause a bit of shame, or embarrassment. Because I do not harbor shame you see, generally speaking. Its never about the physical acts, its about the emotional state while you physically act, and the emotional state causes you to act this way or that. If I am joyful, I will act joyfully. But I will not act joyfully if I am not first in that state of joy. In that context, if I am ashamed I will wet my bed. I will not wet my bed if I am proud. (the opposite of shame). So the shame is the belief that creates the reality.

How do you know the teachers motive for making you hold it in during class? You are looking at it from a childs hurt perspective and not a 50 year old. You must examine childhood beliefs from an adult perspective, to change perspective, and often times see the story that is closer to the truth, or clarity. Maybe for example that teacher was disciplined for allowing too many students bathroom breaks, and was threatened to cut down on the amount of breaks. Angered, the teacher made it sound like to you, the little boy, that you are bad, and youll never be able to go, ultimately youd need to pee in your pants if you were to get any relief. Still reacting to those beliefs of a small child, today you may overdrink right before bed flooding yourself with water, unconsciously reacting to the belief, now, in the course of the night you will be dreaming of those classrooms, wet your pants or the bed, or your dreams will be with you in a relationship wetting the bed and facing the shame. In any case, in the dream you are relieving yourself, and you awaken to that physical reality. I am saying you dream about it, and wake up soiled. Male children often awaken to a dream where they were with a girl and they ejaculate in the dream, or are so heavily aroused the body reacts to the dream as they are awakened stunned by what has happened. It is always intimately connected with the dreamstate and the psychological landscape of the individual.

You cannot blame yourself then because you do not know the real story associated with any childhood event, only how a child (without the benefit of reason) would interpret something. Now at 50 you are listening in your head to that childs beliefs, period. Without ever thinking to examine your thoughts, accepting them as truth, a small childs truth. Examine all of your beliefs, if you want to be free.

That is all for now. Again, my posts need multiple reads.

[gadguy]

Things come up as they are needed on your journey to look at and overcome anything that does not suit you, or make you feel good. It is no coincidence that as you are doing the self work, the bedwetting comes up because it is intimately tied in to the current feelings. So it comes up not to terrify you, but to show you in part what the shame feels like to experience, and also as a memory trigger to look back from an adult perspective and analyze the experiences that led to conclusions about you that you no longer want to keep. The bedwetting is symbolic because in of itself it is not important, but linked to shame it must be healed. It is not good for you to hold onto these feelings. Its not about the bedwetting, its about the (feeling of) shame only.

By example, if someone is doing self work earnestly about self worth, etc, and they run into an old classmate (at the market) that bullied them in school, it is only a trigger, and also gives that person the opportunity to heal with the bully. So the 'chance' meeting has a purpose other than for that person to run into the bathroom and hide, as he did in school. Even that will serve a purpose raising the memories by association that maybe he hid from himself until that point. giving him the opportunity to look at the pain and heal it, from a different perspective than that of an abused child (as he hid in the bathroom at school, what he told himself, about himself...coward, weak, etc), you see.

And that's what the bedwetting is now, an opportunity to clear it out. Once it is truly cleared you wont worry about it happening in front of others, and frankly if it does, there will be no shame attached to it. For instance, I could urinate all over myself in public and that would not cause a bit of shame, or embarrassment. Because I do not harbor shame you see, generally speaking. Its never about the physical acts, its about the emotional state while you physically act, and the emotional state causes you to act this way or that. If I am joyful, I will act joyfully. But I will not act joyfully if I am not first in that state of joy. In that context, if I am ashamed I will wet my bed. I will not wet my bed if I am proud. (the opposite of shame). So the shame is the belief that creates the reality.

How do you know the teachers motive for making you hold it in during class? You are looking at it from a childs hurt perspective and not a 50 year old. You must examine childhood beliefs from an adult perspective, to change perspective, and often times see the story that is closer to the truth, or clarity. Maybe for example that teacher was disciplined for allowing too many students bathroom breaks, and was threatened to cut down on the amount of breaks. Angered, the teacher made it sound like to you, the little boy, that you are bad, and youll never be able to go, ultimately youd need to pee in your pants if you were to get any relief. Still reacting to those beliefs of a small child, today you may overdrink right before bed flooding yourself with water, unconsciously reacting to the belief, now, in the course of the night you will be dreaming of those classrooms, wet your pants or the bed, or your dreams will be with you in a relationship wetting the bed and facing the shame. In any case, in the dream you are relieving yourself, and you awaken to that physical reality. I am saying you dream about it, and wake up soiled. Male children often awaken to a dream where they were with a girl and they ejaculate in the dream, or are so heavily aroused the body reacts to the dream as they are awakened stunned by what has happened. It is always intimately connected with the dreamstate and the psychological landscape of the individual.

You cannot blame yourself then because you do not know the real story associated with any childhood event, only how a child (without the benefit of reason) would interpret something. Now at 50 you are listening in your head to that childs beliefs, period. Without ever thinking to examine your thoughts, accepting them as truth, a small childs truth. Examine all of your beliefs, if you want to be free.

That is all for now. Again, my posts need multiple reads.


Well you pretty much nailed me here. Almost. I think I relive that moment in 2nd grade constantly it is ingrained in my brain, although I was a child I can remember every detail, were i was sitting, what i was wearing, what teacher was wearing, what she said, finally getting to go to restroom trying to dry myself, janitor laughing at me and getting the other janitor to come and laugh at me..........but that is something I need to let go of.

I will to my credit say I do not back away from the people who bullied me, on the chance encounters I hold my ground and greet them( no longer hide) although I feel so phony being cord-gel to them. All i think is What! why are you talking to me like we were buddies or something? Do you realize how miserable you made my life?!


This was just a setback, I do know who I am and unloading any baggage that keeps me from being me, I managed to Holidays great! Normally i would rather just crawl in a hole after big family gatherings, but i did not let it happen this year despite things that could have re-undermined the progress i feel I have made. I even came out unscathed by this...large family dinner, someone took my seat(no big deal) went and sat at another table..ended up being only one at the table(??) Cousin made comment that I was sitting with my family, they are all married with children, me single and childless, we all had a good laugh. If that had happened a year ago i probably would have left and gone home and hid out. Yes i do relive that moment but as triumph not as a failure.

Again thanx for the help and encouragement...this site is part of my therapy. I had a therapist last year for about 6 months on GPs advice...really got nothing out of it...I've learned more here in last couple of months than with therapist.