Individual Vs Society and Over Thinking

[Sebastian King]

wassup peeps,

So lately I have been thinking (almost obsessively) about my behavior in society and whether it's acceptable, right, wrong or whatever. I think of myself as a very empathetic person and I'm constantly trying my best to care for the feelings of others, however of course this does not work out so good for myself, as I am often trapped in this never ending spiral of obsessive rational thinking and the anxiety which stems from upsetting people. I know full well that every action has its consequence, however what qualms me is that sometimes I have to make decisions which I'm not sure whether they are 'right' or 'wrong' in my objective of assuring everyone's well-being. Sure there are things I believe are good for others, and then there are the things that are most likely good for others including myself. This is what I'm constantly obsessing about in my mind, and you can imagine that in scenarios where I'm exhausted and couldn't give two shites about another person; I still feel this anxiety because I know that despite my exhaustion, people still have feelings, and may be offended by my behaviors. So this is where the whole Individual vs Society complex arises. This makes me feel like I have autism or something when I'm talking to my friends and whatnot. On one hand, I'm trying find value their words, beliefs, music, or art; and then on the other hand, I have my own beliefs which completely devalues what they have to say or show to me... Sometimes I really just don't see the value. For instance,

my friend asks me for my opinion on some music hes making, and he is whole-heartedly commited to this career(He is actually insanely motivated and pro-active in organizing events/DJs for others and stuff as well). I gave it a listen and in my opinion it was complete and utter trash dance music. I don't like type this music to begin with, but I still have ideas as to how it could be better(to me and perhaps to others) because I'm somewhat a musician myself. So I spared him the harsh words obviously, and I gave him some constructive feed-back. I actually did say it sounded 'good' but that was more so I guess a cop out and because I just gave him the benefit of the doubt that some dance music listeners may actually enjoy his piece... So I'm caught in this dilemma of trying to be truthful, but at the same time just selling myself out to assure my friend that my opinion is a positive one when it really isn't lol, it's pessimistic and spiteful. In fact the whole idea of people stopping at dance music and not exploring more deeply into the intricate realm of beauty in music I am completely against, because frankly there is so much more to music than what people subject themselves to.

Anyway enough blabber. I know for a fact that my individualistic behavior is likely to hurt the beliefs of others and may make me seem like a monster, loser, or perhaps an alien. In other words, my individual behavior I feel is likely to alienate people from me, which is the opposite to what I want. I want to help and befriend others. Perhaps I'm a little too pessimistic, and should be more positive towards others in my feedback or opinion. It doesn't help that there is a level of uncertainty of whether my opinion could be irrational as I am not all knowing ;), however this also spikes fears in me and my ability to speak up.

I experience this anxiety on a daily basis like an electric collar that sits around my neck which sparks me after every thought and spoken word and it is SO exhausting and sometimes depressing. Writing about it however makes me feel better for some reason :,D. Anyway I would greatly appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance for reading and responses :-).

[Anxiety-Free]

For one thing, there is no need to obsess over whether or not what you say is upsetting to people. You clearly already care about how your words affect people. This is inherent in you,
and even at a non-obsessive level of thought, you will most likely continue to consider people's feelings.

What I think you need to realize, is that throughout your life you will offend people.

This can happen because 1.you weren't clear enough in what you were trying to say, 2.you were just plain rude, 3. perhaps what you said is just not congruent with the other person's beliefs.

The more important thing to learn is how to apologize when you've offended someone, or if you feel there is no apology necessary, learn how to state or restate your opinion without it sounding like a personal slight on that person.

If you accept the following premises...... 1. (sometimes) offending someone (or hurting feelings) is inevitable.

2. You are capable of realizing when you have offended someone.

3. You can explain yourself more clearly, or apologize.

Then you do not have to obsess over whether you will or will not offend/belittle/hurt feelings.

The only difference between obsessing and not obsessing is that obsessing creates fear and discomfort over the potential to offend/upset.

If you are not obsessing over these outcomes, you will still behave similarly to as if you were obsessing (except you won't be plagued by the anxiety).

Do you think that your fear of upsetting people is the only reason that you didn't tell your friend that you thought his music was shit?

In a way yes, but with a significant difference..... With anxiety, you speak out of fear of upsetting.

Without anxiety, you speak out of wanting to not upset.

You can see how without the anxiety, you behave in a way which is conducive to building positive relationships, and
that doesn't cause you mental anguish.

[Anxiety-Free]

Also, like you said, you are not all knowing. It might be helpful to examine your own beliefs philosophically. It is common for us humans to form opinions on the spot; Or to make a grand revelation about something without examining it objectively. You might find that many of your beliefs are very subjective without any objective or logical basis. If our beliefs are not objectively true then does it benefit us to carry on believing them?

As far as deciding when to be completely honest with someone, its really a judgement call. You can either nod your head and agree, or assert what you believe. Depending on the situation there are reasons for doing both.

Hopefully something I said helped, I'm always up for some dialogue on the matter.

[Sebastian King]

Hey thanks a lot for the reply :D. A lot of what you have said makes sense to me, especially the 'speak out of fear of upsetting' vs 'wanting to not upset'. But yeah I suppose someone getting upset about me challenging their ideas or whatever can be out of my control. It's funny because I know that anxiety disorders exaggerate the potential threat of an outcome, however it doesn't seem to shake off so easy. It probably has to do with me obsessively second guessing myself a lot of the time as well.

Anyway! I'll keep your advice in mind for future reference. Thanks again, I really appreciate it :-).