Anxiety about spending money

[Alesia]

Money is not exactly an issue for me, I am from a family with earnings that are quite significantly above average, however, I am still very anxious about spending money. I go to one of the top private schools in England which costs my parents a significant amount of money, plus all the expenses, like airplane tickets (I do not live in Britain), eating out, groceries, toiletries, etc. I know that my parents would not be angry with me for spending more money than I already am and they always tell me not to worry or try to spend less on food etc., but I am always incredibly anxious about it and I feel very guilty when I do spend money, and as if i am disappointing them. Plus, next year I am going to uni in London, and the rent is so incredibly high here so it makes me even more anxious that they will be spending so much money on me. I am not trying to show off in any way, but rather trying to explain my situation. Maybe there is someone out there who is experiencing / have experienced the same thing and could help me in any way, as it is starting to interfere with my life.

[Im-Suffering]

As always, whether the OP returns or not, the advice given applies to everyone wrestling with the same issues (money), and at any point in life. Money and guilt, often go hand in hand.


Money is not exactly an issue for me, I am from a family with earnings that are quite significantly above average, however, I am still very anxious about spending money. I go to one of the top private schools in England which costs my parents a significant amount of money, plus all the expenses, like airplane tickets (I do not live in Britain), eating out, groceries, toiletries, etc. I know that my parents would not be angry with me for spending more money than I already am and they always tell me not to worry or try to spend less on food etc., but I am always incredibly anxious about it and I feel very guilty when I do spend money, and as if i am disappointing them. Plus, next year I am going to uni in London, and the rent is so incredibly high here so it makes me even more anxious that they will be spending so much money on me. I am not trying to show off in any way, but rather trying to explain my situation. Maybe there is someone out there who is experiencing / have experienced the same thing and could help me in any way, as it is starting to interfere with my life.

What they have taught you (over the years, and what you have learned about money from personal experience), is in direct conflict with their actions. And so you are confused. Another words, and simply, you have always been taught the value of money, earning the dollar, the sense of self and esteem (self worth) that goes with that. Your parents taught you the value of hard work, a days pay, (earned in some way), and are hopeful after schooling you will be independent, because of the beliefs they instilled in you.

Now, handing you money for free, you see, and continually throughout school, is in direct conflict with those values. The guilt, and uneasy feelings about accepting these 'gifts', stem from those inner beliefs. And since a belief is involuntary, you don't have to think about it, unconsciously you react to each free dollar with the belief it is not earned, and thus no value comes from it, you do not deserve it, and you feel badly about yourself taking it. The feelings guide you to the belief.

You must examine those beliefs in your own mind, and clearly evaluate what is before you. Make a pact in your own mind that after school is over and you are working, you will repay them in kind, in your own way, at some future date. Not that you give them every penny you see. But this symbolically will allow you to accept without guilt, but with love and thanks.

Your parents are proud of you, and they are showing it by the showering of money (love) and (empowerment), to help you reach your goals.

Lastly, on a different topic:

It is important to note, that if you do not want to be in school, or you are living a life that they are directing, and not your own (pressure to be who someone else wants you to be), and thus school is a lie, then this is reason for guilt. In that case better to speak up now about it. Money is used in this case as power over, and not empowering. And ofcourse if this is a self lie, you don't want to be there but there is no pressure, it is your doing (no parental pressure to be or do anything, just be who you want to be), than you will not be able to sustain this type of 'fraud' for long. In this case you are seeking approval, because you have a weak sense of self.

We just wanted to cover a few bases here. If the schooling is for the 'right' reasons, than accept graciously, if for the 'wrong' or distorted reasons, than disclose it to them, better to 'air it out' for mental and physical health.

If you do not understand this post, since it is psychological speak, invite someone to read it who can explain the meaning to you.

[Kuma]

The fact that you have some concerns about not being "too free" with money that your parents gave you -- realizing that you did not earn this money and that you therefore have some responsibility to spend it prudently -- shows good character in my mind. There are other kids who act like they have it all coming to them.

A little bit of anxiety about "not doing the wrong thing" can be a good thing.

Although I often see things differently than I'm Suffering, in this case I agree wholeheartedly with what he wrote here:

"Make a pact in your own mind that after school is over and you are working, you will repay them in kind, in your own way, at some future date. Not that you give them every penny you see. But this symbolically will allow you to accept without guilt, but with love and thanks."

Your "repayment" may be to help support your parents when they are older. Or to help support a sibling or other relative. Or if none of that is needed, perhaps to give charity in your parents' name, to honor the opportunities they gave you. Maybe you will help give another student, who does not have family resources, the opportunity to get a good education.

So get the good education your parents have made possible. Go to university. Work hard at your studies so that their money is not wasted. Spend enough money so that your quality of life is acceptable. Live in a decent place. Eat good food. Buy appropriate clothing. Don't feel guilty about any of that. Don't be frivolous with your parents' money -- be respectful of it -- but don't practice unreasonable self denial either. Your parents are probably proud to be able to send you to good schools and afford you a good quality of life. And then, when you have reaped the benefits of your good education, give something back.