Silmarwen18
01-07-2015, 07:03 PM
I went through hell in high school with my anxiety disorder, depression, contemplation of self harm etc. I got out of it by rebounding into a potentially violent relationship and nearly ending up pregnant. I met my now husband after that. He has made me so happy. We had two wonderful years together when he proposed and nearly 4 by the time we married. He pulled me out of a deep dark hole and made me feel real again. Three weeks before the wedding he was diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia. At first we were scared and unsure but through careful timing and a wonderful doctor he's almost cancer free :) Despite all this I still struggled to cope with it and ended up having a relapse of my anxiety disorder meaning I now take Lexapro to control it. I went to the doctors yesterday for a follow up on my Lexapro and to talk about my iron deficiency. She thinks my heavy periods cause too much iron loss. I told her that they are really severe and painful and she is now concerned I have endometriosis!! Ive been put on birth control injections in hopes of reducing the severity. Now I'm panicking... all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother... I finally got to be a wife and almost had that stripped from me... Now I'm having my chance at motherhood made worse. My hubby's treatment already means we can't try for any more then two months at a time... A challenge for a perfectly healthy couple at most... Now this? We've been married for 4 months... I really need to talk to someone to relieve my fears but I just don't know what to do... I finally got my self free of that horrible dark place and now all my happiness is being slowly stripped away... I'm sick of having my ability to cope with life controlled by medication and I just want to be genuinely happy. There's a whole bunch of couples getting married at our church now and I can't help feeling sad. As much as I was thrilled on our wedding day, it was the best day of my life, my dream wedding and I wouldn't trade it for the universe, I can't help feeling jealous that the others get to have their dream days without the serious cancer diagnosis looming over it. I feel like I'm being selfish but I'm growing tired of life... I'm sick of being unhappy, I'm sick of being controlled by pills and I wish I could go back to being the real me. All smiles and bubbly and happy to go along with anything. Now im closed off, shy, wont go near anyone I don't know and spend most of my time at home wondering where I'll ever find the motivation to clean. I cant even be bothered cooking healthy to the point where I'm making my husband gain weight and it has upset him. I am fully open to any suggestions here... please help >.<