How to socialize when you don't know how.

[Bergen]

The new semester is coming up in a couple weeks, so I really want to start it off well. After 4 semesters in college, I haven't made any friends. I have one, but our friendship formed in high school which is different than college, and we don't talk much. I've met people, but my problems are:

I make friends in class, but our main thing in common is class, and once the semester is over, I don't know how to continue the friendship.
I meet people, but they just aren't my kind of person.
I make a friend, but then I accidentally say/do something they don't like, and stop talking to me

I just don't know how to socialize. I was raised in a mostly isolated house. My mom has one friend she made in elementary school, and that's her social life. My sister dropped out in 8th grade, and her social life is 2 people online she's never met. I was raised with only them in my life. I had a strange upbringing, so long story short, I never connected well with other kids and was mostly made fun of.

Now I'm 20 and have really bad social anxiety. I started therapy about 6 months ago but don't know if it has helped. Just going and feeling like I'm working on things has made me a little more confident, but since that, I feel like I've plateaued. Usually when I leave sessions, I feel even more depressed because I still have no idea what to do.
All the advice I get is to put myself out there, but my anxiety gets too bad, and I'm introverted, so socializing drains me pretty quick. Plus when I talk to anyone, I analyze every detail of the conversation. If I feel like I messed up, that just makes it 10x worse. I keep telling myself it'll get better. First it was after I moved, and I thought no one knowing me in my new school would help. Then I said once college starts. Now it's when I graduate college and am able to go off on my own. I really want friends, but I have no idea how to do it in a way that isn't so painfully difficult that it seems more trouble than it's worth.
I'm not sure if there is a question in there. I figured it would be more helpful if I got advice from people who understand that "putting myself out there" isn't as easy as they seem to think it is.

[Im-Suffering]

Things are not always as they seem.


The new semester is coming up in a couple weeks, so I really want to start it off well. After 4 semesters in college, I haven't made any friends. I have one, but our friendship formed in high school which is different than college, and we don't talk much. I've met people, but my problems are:

I make friends in class, but our main thing in common is class, and once the semester is over, I don't know how to continue the friendship.
I meet people, but they just aren't my kind of person.
I make a friend, but then I accidentally say/do something they don't like, and stop talking to me

I just don't know how to socialize. I was raised in a mostly isolated house. My mom has one friend she made in elementary school, and that's her social life. My sister dropped out in 8th grade, and her social life is 2 people online she's never met. I was raised with only them in my life. I had a strange upbringing, so long story short, I never connected well with other kids and was mostly made fun of.

Now I'm 20 and have really bad social anxiety. I started therapy about 6 months ago but don't know if it has helped. Just going and feeling like I'm working on things has made me a little more confident, but since that, I feel like I've plateaued. Usually when I leave sessions, I feel even more depressed because I still have no idea what to do.
All the advice I get is to put myself out there, but my anxiety gets too bad, and I'm introverted, so socializing drains me pretty quick. Plus when I talk to anyone, I analyze every detail of the conversation. If I feel like I messed up, that just makes it 10x worse. I keep telling myself it'll get better. First it was after I moved, and I thought no one knowing me in my new school would help. Then I said once college starts. Now it's when I graduate college and am able to go off on my own. I really want friends, but I have no idea how to do it in a way that isn't so painfully difficult that it seems more trouble than it's worth.
I'm not sure if there is a question in there. I figured it would be more helpful if I got advice from people who understand that "putting myself out there" isn't as easy as they seem to think it is.

You my dear soul, are a wonderful person. Kind, sensitive, caring, compassionate. you are uniquely you. You are warm, funny, light hearted, and actually love socializing and really hearing what someone has to say. Often, you know better what they mean, than they do, as their words you feel don't faithfully reflect their intent. In those terms you are intuitive, and have quite a bit of untapped psychic potential.

You'd rather be straight and true in life, than play the games you see in the workplace, relationships, you secretly wish people would just say what they mean, instead of all the "phony baloney" that goes on. your seeking true companionship, at that deep layer, in which eventually you will find this in your soul mate, who is out there, waiting.

You also want casual friends, but even in those relationships, you still yearn for deeper connections which often times you simply cannot get. You find people are generally shallow, and just skim the surface of what is possible if they allow themselves to be true, and not wear the mask of fake, cookie cutter personalities, just for the sake of having friends.

In that context, they need to be themselves, you see. You are the real person. So it is hard to relate to a lie. When you say some things based on truth, you see, and probing for something deeper, they simply often reject that opportunity, and so lasting friendships are difficult in that regard.

This makes you feel it is somehow your fault, and because you do not understand what is happening on another level of reality, you accept the negative suggestions of family, and you yourself begin to doubt your own abilities. And so you wind up in therapy where they tell you to be yourself, not realizing, it is not you. But you are naive, you believe them, and your feelings seem to match, (you feel awkward), simply because of what you are projecting. (you believe - falsely - there is something wrong with you).

Now, you are to do this exercise, in your imagination daily before bed, and for 15 minutes only, then drifting off to sleep, you are to imagine yourself with friends you love and care for. Say for example, you are at the beach, or shopping mall, or party, or school...You are interacting, in a fun, meaningful way, fulfilling, sharing, laughing, loving. You are to feel accepted, wanted. You intuitively understand their needs and so you are a great giver, and because of that you receive 10 fold what you give. You can remain an 'introvert' without condemnation. They get you, no need for games and pretend.

You can switch back and forth between those scene's and say your future spouse, interacting and having a family or experiencing life together in a magical way. Lastly, envision the perfect job, interviews, and even your life at school. How easy all of this is for you.

This exercise is not a self lie or a way to try and fake yourself out. You are actually using this method now, and you have been your whole life to create your reality, period. Now, you are just going to use it consciously and in a productive way. You say to yourself "I will do this for 30 days, play this game, and if nothing changes, I haven't lost a thing" And so you are fully aware of what you are doing.

If you do this, within the next month, you will begin to notice subtle changes, you will see yourself beginning to be the person you have dreamed of, and by the law of attraction, people will come into your experience who want to know, and be with this very special person, no act, no fake, no lies, no therapy. It is a law, no exceptions.

One footnote: Abandonment is an issue for your family, Your mom, sister, you, are not really sure you can trust people you see. And so this message is indeed carried down through the family tree, so to speak. This is a challenge for all of you (the inability to make friends, is partly due to the psychological, unconscious act, of pushing them away, you see, because of the issue just mentioned). In your exercise put yourself into situations where you must trust, and let go, allowing yourself to flow with the moment, enjoying this release and edifying yourself by letting time unfold completely and utterly trusting in the ones you are with (acceptance). Picture long lasting relationships, through old age, never alone, always within the warm glow of friendship.

That is all I have for you. Save this post, print it, you will need multiple readings.

[JustaGal]

The new semester is coming up in a couple weeks, so I really want to start it off well. After 4 semesters in college, I haven't made any friends. I have one, but our friendship formed in high school which is different than college, and we don't talk much. I've met people, but my problems are:

I make friends in class, but our main thing in common is class, and once the semester is over, I don't know how to continue the friendship.
I meet people, but they just aren't my kind of person.
I make a friend, but then I accidentally say/do something they don't like, and stop talking to me

I just don't know how to socialize. I was raised in a mostly isolated house. My mom has one friend she made in elementary school, and that's her social life. My sister dropped out in 8th grade, and her social life is 2 people online she's never met. I was raised with only them in my life. I had a strange upbringing, so long story short, I never connected well with other kids and was mostly made fun of.

Now I'm 20 and have really bad social anxiety. I started therapy about 6 months ago but don't know if it has helped. Just going and feeling like I'm working on things has made me a little more confident, but since that, I feel like I've plateaued. Usually when I leave sessions, I feel even more depressed because I still have no idea what to do.
All the advice I get is to put myself out there, but my anxiety gets too bad, and I'm introverted, so socializing drains me pretty quick. Plus when I talk to anyone, I analyze every detail of the conversation. If I feel like I messed up, that just makes it 10x worse. I keep telling myself it'll get better. First it was after I moved, and I thought no one knowing me in my new school would help. Then I said once college starts. Now it's when I graduate college and am able to go off on my own. I really want friends, but I have no idea how to do it in a way that isn't so painfully difficult that it seems more trouble than it's worth.
I'm not sure if there is a question in there. I figured it would be more helpful if I got advice from people who understand that "putting myself out there" isn't as easy as they seem to think it is.

I can relate, I was the only child of a alcoholic mother. We lived a dark and isolated life. I see her traits in me at times still. I really believe support groups are very powerful in that you are developing social skills, and coming out of isolation. You shouldn't feel weird with the group because the other people in the group are like minded, there is not a expectation to put your best foot forward and be "cool". There are support groups for many needs. I encourage you to check it out. Meetup.com may also have something that you would be comfortable with. We can break the cycle. Baby steps....... : )

I am happy to help you think of something if you would like...

check it out -
http://www.meetup.com/find/?allMeetups=false&keywords=anxiety&radius=Infinity&userFreeform=90505&gcResults=Torrance%2C+CA+90505%2C+USA%3AUS%3ACalif ornia%3ALos+Angeles+County%3ATorrance%3Anull%3A905 05%3A33.8101772%3A-118.35203890000003&sort=default

[Bergen]

I can relate, I was the only child of a alcoholic mother. We lived a dark and isolated life. I see her traits in me at times still. I really believe support groups are very powerful in that you are developing social skills, and coming out of isolation. You shouldn't feel weird with the group because the other people in the group are like minded, there is not a expectation to put your best foot forward and be "cool". There are support groups for many needs. I encourage you to check it out. Meetup.com may also have something that you would be comfortable with. We can break the cycle. Baby steps....... : )

I am happy to help you think of something if you would like...



Meetup has been recommended to me before. My biggest problem is that my anxiety would be too bad. I don't have anyone to go with and socializing like that alone is too hard. It's not really that I can't meet people, I just don't know what to do once I have. It's hard to be confident because a lot of people I've met in the past stop talking to me because I mess up, and they get angry with me. So then I'm more reserved and careful about what I say, and people think I'm arrogant or not interested.

[JustaGal]

Meetup has been recommended to me before. My biggest problem is that my anxiety would be too bad. I don't have anyone to go with and socializing like that alone is too hard. It's not really that I can't meet people, I just don't know what to do once I have. It's hard to be confident because a lot of people I've met in the past stop talking to me because I mess up, and they get angry with me. So then I'm more reserved and careful about what I say, and people think I'm arrogant or not interested.

You are doing great by opening up on this forum. Give yourself credit for that. When you are ready consider a support group of some sort, you very well may find a friend that understands. You will also feel not alone, and learn how to relate to others in a non-threatening environment. I have struggled with socializing as well. I could only stay at a gathering for a short period, then I felt compelled to leave and come back to home base where I felt safe.

[casstar01]

I am so much like you!! I go through everything you have described. Including the upbringing, mine was a bit different in that I was an only child so I didn't have anyone to socialize with, my mom had one friend as well but mostly she stayed in her room and cried all day and I have no dad so I was alone. My extream anxiety began the first day of kindergarten. I was so freaked out I just stayed in a corner and cried the whole time. I remember looking around watching the other kids laugh, play and meet each other. It was so easy for them I couldn't understand how the were doing it!! The teacher even told my mom she needed to take me out for that year and socialize me. She told the teacher I would get over it! Never did. It's great your getting help so young. I got help about 3 years ago which makes me 33. But here's what has genuinly helped me. One medication- I tried all the meds under the sun but found they didn't really help until I was given a real anti anxiety med called clonozapam but maybe an ssri will help you, not sure how extream your anxiety is. Also I went to therapy for some years and it sort of helped but not really. Kind of like what t your therapy sounds like but I began litterally overcoming this paralyzingly anxiety when in combination with the meds sought out an actual social anxiety specialist. She is amazing!! I never really thought I could get better but I have! The two therapy types at vastly different and it shows! So maybe you can search out someone with real expertise in this area because you would think therapy is therapy but it's not. Some of us need more intense therapy. One method is called CBT but it's again so much different when done by someone who only works with people like us. Hope this helps!! And you are not alone!!! Always here, casstar :)

[Bergen]

You are doing great by opening up on this forum. Give yourself credit for that. When you are ready consider a support group of some sort, you very well may find a friend that understands. You will also feel not alone, and learn how to relate to others in a non-threatening environment. I have struggled with socializing as well. I could only stay at a gathering for a short period, then I felt compelled to leave and come back to home base where I felt safe.
I actually did try group therapy over the summer. I mentioned in my first post I had one friend, and I got to know her better through group therapy. We sort of fell out of touch after high school, then we ended up in the same group therapy a year later at our college. However, even in group therapy, I still felt on the outside. There were only 3 others besides me, and they would talk about their friends and family. I felt like the only one who didn't actually have any friends and a bad family life (not in the whole world, but just in the group).


I am so much like you!! I go through everything you have described. Including the upbringing, mine was a bit different in that I was an only child so I didn't have anyone to socialize with, my mom had one friend as well but mostly she stayed in her room and cried all day and I have no dad so I was alone. My extream anxiety began the first day of kindergarten. I was so freaked out I just stayed in a corner and cried the whole time. I remember looking around watching the other kids laugh, play and meet each other. It was so easy for them I couldn't understand how the were doing it!! The teacher even told my mom she needed to take me out for that year and socialize me. She told the teacher I would get over it! Never did. It's great your getting help so young. I got help about 3 years ago which makes me 33. But here's what has genuinly helped me. One medication- I tried all the meds under the sun but found they didn't really help until I was given a real anti anxiety med called clonozapam but maybe an ssri will help you, not sure how extream your anxiety is. Also I went to therapy for some years and it sort of helped but not really. Kind of like what t your therapy sounds like but I began litterally overcoming this paralyzingly anxiety when in combination with the meds sought out an actual social anxiety specialist. She is amazing!! I never really thought I could get better but I have! The two therapy types at vastly different and it shows! So maybe you can search out someone with real expertise in this area because you would think therapy is therapy but it's not. Some of us need more intense therapy. One method is called CBT but it's again so much different when done by someone who only works with people like us. Hope this helps!! And you are not alone!!! Always here, casstar :)

Casstar, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. People don't usually talk about their family problems, so it's harder not to feel like I'm the only one. Honestly, I would have rather been an only child. My sister has dealt with similar problems as me, and has isolated herself a lot. Even more so than me. Plus she's 5 years older, so we never really socialized.
I felt good about starting therapy. Now I often feel worse after I go. I also don't have a stable therapist. I've been seeing my current one for 5 months, but the place I go is a training clinic through my school. I tried going to the mental health clinic at my university, but the therapist there said they were only doing group, and she said she thought I needed individual therapy and sent me to the place I'm at now. My therapist is a grad student, and isn't able to prescribe meds or even recommend me to someone who can. Once the school year is up, she's not doing it anymore, so if I stick with it, I'll be assigned to someone else. She's the 5th therapist I've seen in the last 6 months, and trying to open up again and again is too difficult for something I feel like isn't helping much. On the other hand, the idea of quitting is makes me nervous because it took me years to finally go, and I don't know what my other options are if I stop.

[JustaGal]

I actually did try group therapy over the summer. I mentioned in my first post I had one friend, and I got to know her better through group therapy. We sort of fell out of touch after high school, then we ended up in the same group therapy a year later at our college. However, even in group therapy, I still felt on the outside. There were only 3 others besides me, and they would talk about their friends and family. I felt like the only one who didn't actually have any friends and a bad family life (not in the whole world, but just in the group).



Casstar, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. People don't usually talk about their family problems, so it's harder not to feel like I'm the only one. Honestly, I would have rather been an only child. My sister has dealt with similar problems as me, and has isolated herself a lot. Even more so than me. Plus she's 5 years older, so we never really socialized.
I felt good about starting therapy. Now I often feel worse after I go. I also don't have a stable therapist. I've been seeing my current one for 5 months, but the place I go is a training clinic through my school. I tried going to the mental health clinic at my university, but the therapist there said they were only doing group, and she said she thought I needed individual therapy and sent me to the place I'm at now. My therapist is a grad student, and isn't able to prescribe meds or even recommend me to someone who can. Once the school year is up, she's not doing it anymore, so if I stick with it, I'll be assigned to someone else. She's the 5th therapist I've seen in the last 6 months, and trying to open up again and again is too difficult for something I feel like isn't helping much. On the other hand, the idea of quitting is makes me nervous because it took me years to finally go, and I don't know what my other options are if I stop.

I feel the same about people talking about family. I feel like a mis fit, no siblings, no parents, no kids.

[casstar01]

I actually did try group therapy over the summer. I mentioned in my first post I had one friend, and I got to know her better through group therapy. We sort of fell out of touch after high school, then we ended up in the same group therapy a year later at our college. However, even in group therapy, I still felt on the outside. There were only 3 others besides me, and they would talk about their friends and family. I felt like the only one who didn't actually have any friends and a bad family life (not in the whole world, but just in the group). Casstar, it's nice to know I'm not the only one. People don't usually talk about their family problems, so it's harder not to feel like I'm the only one. Honestly, I would have rather been an only child. My sister has dealt with similar problems as me, and has isolated herself a lot. Even more so than me. Plus she's 5 years older, so we never really socialized. I felt good about starting therapy. Now I often feel worse after I go. I also don't have a stable therapist. I've been seeing my current one for 5 months, but the place I go is a training clinic through my school. I tried going to the mental health clinic at my university, but the therapist there said they were only doing group, and she said she thought I needed individual therapy and sent me to the place I'm at now. My therapist is a grad student, and isn't able to prescribe meds or even recommend me to someone who can. Once the school year is up, she's not doing it anymore, so if I stick with it, I'll be assigned to someone else. She's the 5th therapist I've seen in the last 6 months, and trying to open up again and again is too difficult for something I feel like isn't helping much. On the other hand, the idea of quitting is makes me nervous because it took me years to finally go, and I don't know what my other options are if I stop.. Aaahhhhhh!!!! That's so frustrating!!! That's exactly what I went through. You just start getting to feel comfortable with a counsiler and feel like they are getting to know you then they leave and you have to start over! Plus not to offend those counselers in any way but you need someone with much more experience. I go to one of those mental health clinics which is where I get meds plus I see a counsiler there which is much like yours ( plus the service is free for low income) but I wasn't getting the proper therapy help so in addition to that I found a social anxiety specialist like I said earlier and it's VERY different and truly helpful. The progress I began to make is undeniable and amazing!! Can you find out if your clinic at least has doctors that prescribe meds?? Also are you in any position to find a specialist? I found mine online and she is great! I would strongly recommend trying to find a more stable therapist which may mean going somewhere else. Always here, casstar :)

[smartscrutiny]

Like JustaGal said, you are doing a brave and wonderful thing by being here and opening up on this forum, Bergen. I wondered about something as I was reading your first post - what are some of the things that have happened that have resulted in what you perceive to be people no longer wanting to talk to you or be your friend?

[jmt211]

A good way to get around people is to try a volunteer gig, like at a hospital or kitchen.

[JustaGal]

A good way to get around people is to try a volunteer gig, like at a hospital or kitchen.

That is very true, and you get your mind off your self....