Hate to live, scared to die... living in purgatory!

[outtamyhead]

Hard to know where to start... :? I have suffered from anxiety most of my life. Through the years I would have periodic episodes where an anti depressant or anti anxiety medications were prescribed along with therapy for a brief time, but during these periods I was always able to function physically, emotionally & socially. Three years ago it all changed. My symptoms worsened and gradually escalated into full blown chronic anxiety and argoraphobia.

I went from a 35 year old fun loving, healthy, slim, vital woman (mother of 3 working 3 jobs) to a 38 year old
obese (gained 100 lbs and recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes) anti social, emotional mess. I completely shut down and blocked out the world outside my door. It's rather hard to seek treatment when you're paranoid to leave the house and terrified of doctors and what they might diagnose you with (terminal illnesses) so I suffered silently for years. My anxiety subsided at night since the world outside was sleeping which meant no phone calls, knocks at the door or dealing with daily life. I stayed up all night and slept the days away. My only exercise was walking from room to room.
I self diagnosed myself with everything via Internet and medical books and lived in constant fear that I was dying. It's ironic how depression can conjure thoughts of suicide (that it would be so much better to die and relieve all the stress and sadness) but yet be so anxious about being diagnosed with a terminal illness.... a vicious cycle indeed.

I finally went to the doctor a month ago (many extreme anxious, sleepless nights before the visit) and spilled my heart and guts. I'm sure she was quite overwhelmed by all of my "conditions" I had diagnosed myself with and fortunately she was an amazing listener and quite sympathetic in a very nurturing manner. My blood pressure and pulse were sky high (which is normal for me) and of course the first step was blood work.... UGH!! She prescribed me klonopin, lexepro, enalapril and oral medication for type 2 diabetes. But waiting for the results of my blood work tortured me. I chickened out on my follow up appt. the next week because I didn't want to hear any bad news. This made my anxiety triple (not knowing) and of course the Dr. called me because she needed to talk to me about the results so I was forced to go in. Another few sleepless, anxious, exhausting days and nights anticipating the worst from this appt. (although I do believe the klonopin and lexepro is taking the edge off a bit). All my morbid thoughts and obsessive worrying turned out to be high cholesterol (230) **WHEW**... I felt STUPID as she proceeded to tell me my blood work was great besides my cholesterol (which wasn't even bad enough to require medication) I would be fine with some diet, exercise and getting a grip on this horrific debilitating anxiety.

Since I started my meds my heart pounding and palpitations have subsided. I sleep better (but still only during the day) I feel more alert and hopeful instead of feeling doomed. My pulse still always runs high (90-120) but blood pressure and blood sugar is under control. I still take 325 mg of aspirin a day in fear of stroke and obsessively take my blood pressure and blood sugar levels numerous times a day.... the fear just never goes away. I have been forced to change my diet (for the better), cut down on smoking (my one anxiety vice) and of course EXERCISE! My two comforts food and smoking have to be eliminated before I do end up with heart disease or cancer. Hard thing to swallow after depending on them for years. Exercise is a challenge too since I'm out of shape and after living with heart pounding anxiety to actually make my heart pound through exercise scares me! Baby steps.... one by one!

Sorry this turned into a novel, wasn't my intention. But the possibility of connecting with others who battle this is something I really need in my life. People who understand.... because no matter how much love and support you get from family and friends they can never truly relate. I'm usually a very private person and hate to burden anyone with my problems.... but it really felt good to write this and get it off of my chest. I can only pray someone will take the time to read my story and welcome me into the community..... I need friends!

Sincerely,
Robin

[Robbed]

When it comes to responding to posts like this, it is just SO hard to know what to say. After all, everybody experiences anxiety a little differently. On the other hand, pretty much everyone here knows what it is like to be robbed of themselves by anxiety disorder. Regardless, what I have found is that the best way to deal with anxiety disorder is to accept your anxiety symptoms, and try your best not to react to them with fear. Realize that anxiety symptoms can be VERY frightening and bizarre. But they are basically harmless. At the same time, try to live your life as best as you can, despite scary and bizarre symptoms. Even if you don't feel like getting out, try your best to do so. Learn to not feel so frightened about being out while experiencing anxiety symptoms. Doing all this trains your mind to be calm. And, as you calm down, symptoms will GRADUALLY subside. I emphasize the word GRADUALLY, since there is virtually NO SUCH THING as rapid recovery from anxiety (although COMPLETE recovery is VERY possible). In my case, I have had anxiety problems since October 2006. I feel MUCH better these days than at that time. But I still don't feel completely like myself again, and I figure it will probably be some time before I do. So be patient.

In any case, if you wish to discuss more with me about anything (and sometimes, talking about non-anxiety related stuff can be quite helpful to recovery), you can use the instant message feature on this forum.

[kathy1]

Hi

I could have written that post myself, i suffer from much the same symptoms as you do except i am not taking any medication. i had a bad experience five years ago with some drugs and i am very afraid of taking them. i had a breakdown five months ago and my anxiety has escalated since then. i have very scary thoughts, the usual ones as well as some that sound strange about knowing what causes illnesses and recognising signs of stress in people. no one else seems to have had that thought so why it should be just me i don't know, although maybe others have and would let me know.

i know that with time anxiety can go but it takes a lot of effort and it takes a lot of time. stay strong if you can and try to keep yourself busy.

kathyx


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