First post - Will I ever be 'me' again?

[Jemma8286]

I apologise in advance if this post is too long to read. Please bear with me, this will be the first time I have spoken on an online community about myself.*

I've always been an anxious person. At the age of 4 I was petrified to go to the toilet so would hold it in and cause myself damage, which resulted in me having to have an operation. At the age of 5, I would stand by the school window all day crying because I was convinced my mother had died and would not collect me from school. At 12 i was self harming simply because i wanted attention, I never truly wanted to kill myself or cause serious harm. Self harming stopped immediately as soon as the school and my mother noticed. I grew out of it but I maintained an anxious edgy personality throughout my teenage years.

I am 28 year old female. I would say I was 21 years of age when I had my first episode of panic. I was sat at my computer and it was around midnight. I felt this sudden surge of dread and hotness. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I had the urge to flee. I had no idea where I was running to but I ended up in my parents bedroom begging for them to call an ambulance. I was dying and there was nothing you could say to convince me otherwise. I looked in the mirror and I was grey. My lips were white. My heart rate was around 150 bpm, I was having a heart attack and I knew it. But in fact no, they said it was a panic attack and I was sent home with duloxetine.*

I remained on duloxetine for several years and the panic attacks were very few and far between. My anxiety was manageable and when i say manageable i mean not debilitating as it is today. Although i could never hold a job down due to self esteem and motivation (probably lazyness, i dont know) my anxiety was at bay and I could manage the extent of the worries my mind would throw at me.

Sometime in 2013, I decided I hated being reliant on medication and I weaned myself off of them. Since then, I got my life together. Me and my partner got engaged, I found a good job that I absolutely love and I have lost 5 stone in weight. I have most of my debt and quite frankly there is nothing more that I want or need. That's how I have been feeling up until 2 weeks ago. Life was good and the world was my oyster.

I had a heavy night drinking on a Christmas work night out. Bear in mind I only drink about twice a year and I got so drunk I can't even remember getting home. 2 days later I had a black cloud over my head and to cut a long story short I went to see my GP who put me back onto duloxetine.

2 days after taking duloxetine, I was driving home from work (30 mile drive) , I had a car full of colleagues because we car share. All of a sudden, my tongue started tingling, my chest and back started burning, everything felt like it was getting darker, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I wanted to flee again but I couldn't, I was driving. I pulled over and put my hazards on but I couldn't find the words to tell the people in the car what was going on. I was absolutely petrified, I was dying again I was having a heart attack, a stroke, a pulmonary embolism, a mitral valve prolapse and to top it off I was losing my mind !

I somehow managed to get us all home and since then I have been an absolute mess. Christmas was well and truly spoilt and a blur. I feel so selfish because i have brought the mood of the whole family down. I feel so afraid of life, I feel I have never felt so bad, I can't find any joy in anything. Life seems so petrifying and I am constantly in a state of worry.

I am 100% paranoid about my health. I keep getting a shooting pain behind my eye, heart palpitations, leg pain, and I generally feel like nothing is real.

I have tried helping myself by going on a walk everyday, eating better and making sure I do something every day.

Before I wrote this post I have read around 200 posts on this forum and have learnt a lot from the replies. I have learnt through this forum that I must face my intrusive thoughts head on and not fight them. I feel I have gained knowledge into anxiety (if that's what it is) but I feel like I am not succeeding. All I can see if pink elephants. I start CBT in 2 weeks time and for the first time in my life I am going to see it through. In the past I have attended one session and give up but this time that is not going to happen because I have truly never felt like this. I am off work and I am self employed so that is worrying me loads.

I feel like I can't find any joy in anything in life because the worst thing is about to happen. I feel like there is no point in getting excited over any future plans because life is scary. It's an absolute nightmare. Every twinge I feel is a deadly condition, pressure in ears = brain tumour. Twitch in leg = blood clot. Pain in eye= high pressure in eye. Pain in chest = heart attack. Etc etc. I am literally running around in circles in my own mind.

If you have read this far then I thank you so much.

Will I feel like this forever?

Will I get my personality back?*

Will I lose my mind?

I'm sorry if I'm sounding irrational but you will all know that it's impossible to act in any other way.

Thank you for reading and I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2015.*

Love,

Jemma x

[GSnow]

I am 100% paranoid about my health. I keep getting a shooting pain behind my eye, heart palpitations, leg pain, and I generally feel like nothing is real. I have tried helping myself by going on a walk everyday, eating better and making sure I do something every day. Before I wrote this post I have read around 200 posts on this forum and have learnt a lot from the replies. I have learnt through this forum that I must face my intrusive thoughts head on and not fight them. I feel I have gained knowledge into anxiety (if that's what it is) but I feel like I am not succeeding. All I can see if pink elephants. I start CBT in 2 weeks time and for the first time in my life I am going to see it through. In the past I have attended one session and give up but this time that is not going to happen because I have truly never felt like this. I am off work and I am self employed so that is worrying me loads. I feel like I can't find any joy in anything in life because the worst thing is about to happen. I feel like there is no point in getting excited over any future plans because life is scary. It's an absolute nightmare. Every twinge I feel is a deadly condition, pressure in ears = brain tumour. Twitch in leg = blood clot. Pain in eye= high pressure in eye. Pain in chest = heart attack. Etc etc. I am literally running around in circles in my own mind. If you have read this far then I thank you so much. Will I feel like this forever? Will I get my personality back?* Will I lose my mind? I'm sorry if I'm sounding irrational but you will all know that it's impossible to act in any other way.

All of that is exactly what happens everyday in my life.... Forever checking my pulse etc I'm a 27year old male who's had this since I was in my early teens :( I feel the same way so your not alone x

[gypsylee]

I apologise in advance if this post is too long to read. Please bear with me, this will be the first time I have spoken on an online community about myself.*

I've always been an anxious person. At the age of 4 I was petrified to go to the toilet so would hold it in and cause myself damage, which resulted in me having to have an operation. At the age of 5, I would stand by the school window all day crying because I was convinced my mother had died and would not collect me from school. At 12 i was self harming simply because i wanted attention, I never truly wanted to kill myself or cause serious harm. Self harming stopped immediately as soon as the school and my mother noticed. I grew out of it but I maintained an anxious edgy personality throughout my teenage years.

I am 28 year old female. I would say I was 21 years of age when I had my first episode of panic. I was sat at my computer and it was around midnight. I felt this sudden surge of dread and hotness. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I had the urge to flee. I had no idea where I was running to but I ended up in my parents bedroom begging for them to call an ambulance. I was dying and there was nothing you could say to convince me otherwise. I looked in the mirror and I was grey. My lips were white. My heart rate was around 150 bpm, I was having a heart attack and I knew it. But in fact no, they said it was a panic attack and I was sent home with duloxetine.*

I remained on duloxetine for several years and the panic attacks were very few and far between. My anxiety was manageable and when i say manageable i mean not debilitating as it is today. Although i could never hold a job down due to self esteem and motivation (probably lazyness, i dont know) my anxiety was at bay and I could manage the extent of the worries my mind would throw at me.

Sometime in 2013, I decided I hated being reliant on medication and I weaned myself off of them. Since then, I got my life together. Me and my partner got engaged, I found a good job that I absolutely love and I have lost 5 stone in weight. I have most of my debt and quite frankly there is nothing more that I want or need. That's how I have been feeling up until 2 weeks ago. Life was good and the world was my oyster.

I had a heavy night drinking on a Christmas work night out. Bear in mind I only drink about twice a year and I got so drunk I can't even remember getting home. 2 days later I had a black cloud over my head and to cut a long story short I went to see my GP who put me back onto duloxetine.

2 days after taking duloxetine, I was driving home from work (30 mile drive) , I had a car full of colleagues because we car share. All of a sudden, my tongue started tingling, my chest and back started burning, everything felt like it was getting darker, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I wanted to flee again but I couldn't, I was driving. I pulled over and put my hazards on but I couldn't find the words to tell the people in the car what was going on. I was absolutely petrified, I was dying again I was having a heart attack, a stroke, a pulmonary embolism, a mitral valve prolapse and to top it off I was losing my mind !

I somehow managed to get us all home and since then I have been an absolute mess. Christmas was well and truly spoilt and a blur. I feel so selfish because i have brought the mood of the whole family down. I feel so afraid of life, I feel I have never felt so bad, I can't find any joy in anything. Life seems so petrifying and I am constantly in a state of worry.

I am 100% paranoid about my health. I keep getting a shooting pain behind my eye, heart palpitations, leg pain, and I generally feel like nothing is real.

I have tried helping myself by going on a walk everyday, eating better and making sure I do something every day.

Before I wrote this post I have read around 200 posts on this forum and have learnt a lot from the replies. I have learnt through this forum that I must face my intrusive thoughts head on and not fight them. I feel I have gained knowledge into anxiety (if that's what it is) but I feel like I am not succeeding. All I can see if pink elephants. I start CBT in 2 weeks time and for the first time in my life I am going to see it through. In the past I have attended one session and give up but this time that is not going to happen because I have truly never felt like this. I am off work and I am self employed so that is worrying me loads.

I feel like I can't find any joy in anything in life because the worst thing is about to happen. I feel like there is no point in getting excited over any future plans because life is scary. It's an absolute nightmare. Every twinge I feel is a deadly condition, pressure in ears = brain tumour. Twitch in leg = blood clot. Pain in eye= high pressure in eye. Pain in chest = heart attack. Etc etc. I am literally running around in circles in my own mind.

If you have read this far then I thank you so much.

Will I feel like this forever?

Will I get my personality back?*

Will I lose my mind?

I'm sorry if I'm sounding irrational but you will all know that it's impossible to act in any other way.

Thank you for reading and I wish you all a very happy and healthy 2015.*

Love,

Jemma x

Hi Jemma and welcome :)

I read your whole post - it was well written and easy to read.

Will you feel like this forever? No.
Will you get your personality back? Yes.
Will you lose your mind? No.

Anxiety can take us by surprise and it's such a shock. It's as if it comes out of nowhere but I think a lot of things happen in the subconscious and then one day they erupt into consciousness. Perhaps the drinking episode caused yours to erupt.

But you sound like you're on the ball and quite capable of working through it. You don't feel like that because you're in the acute phase of anxiety and your head is all over the place, but that's how you come across.

I'm sure others here will have good suggestions for you (I have to try and sleep lol).

Thanks for sharing your story :)

P.S. I hadn't heard of Duloxetine so of course I had to google it and found it's an SNRI. You know how these meds make you feel terrible when you start them, right? So I bet that has something to do with your current state. Once that stabilises and you do the CBT I'm sure you'll start to feel better.

Gypsy x

[Tranquil]

Gsnow, I wrote to you in your other post. Please read it.

You might want to go to the "Welcome" section and introduce yourself there. I think you might have hijacked another poster's thread here so yours will get lost.

I want you to find help and please know YOU WILL NOT FEEL LIKE THIS FOREVER.

[Jemma8286]

Hi Jemma and welcome :)

I read your whole post - it was well written and easy to read.

Will you feel like this forever? No.
Will you get your personality back? Yes.
Will you lose your mind? No.

Anxiety can take us by surprise and it's such a shock. It's as if it comes out of nowhere but I think a lot of things happen in the subconscious and then one day they erupt into consciousness. Perhaps the drinking episode caused yours to erupt.

But you sound like you're on the ball and quite capable of working through it. You don't feel like that because you're in the acute phase of anxiety and your head is all over the place, but that's how you come across.

I'm sure others here will have good suggestions for you (I have to try and sleep lol).

Thanks for sharing your story :)

P.S. I hadn't heard of Duloxetine so of course I had to google it and found it's an SNRI. You know how these meds make you feel terrible when you start them, right? So I bet that has something to do with your current state. Once that stabilises and you do the CBT I'm sure you'll start to feel better.

Gypsy x

Thank you Gypsy.

You are right, I have definitely felt worse since taking duloxetine, I have been taking them for 2 weeks now so hopefully they will kick in soon?

I am looking forward to that day where my subconscious becomes consciousness. I just want my life back. I'm usually constantly singing (or trying) and my partner said they haven't heard me even hum a song for weeks :(

I am so glad I found this forum. Thanks again

Jem x

[Jemma8286]

I am 100% paranoid about my health. I keep getting a shooting pain behind my eye, heart palpitations, leg pain, and I generally feel like nothing is real. I have tried helping myself by going on a walk everyday, eating better and making sure I do something every day. Before I wrote this post I have read around 200 posts on this forum and have learnt a lot from the replies. I have learnt through this forum that I must face my intrusive thoughts head on and not fight them. I feel I have gained knowledge into anxiety (if that's what it is) but I feel like I am not succeeding. All I can see if pink elephants. I start CBT in 2 weeks time and for the first time in my life I am going to see it through. In the past I have attended one session and give up but this time that is not going to happen because I have truly never felt like this. I am off work and I am self employed so that is worrying me loads. I feel like I can't find any joy in anything in life because the worst thing is about to happen. I feel like there is no point in getting excited over any future plans because life is scary. It's an absolute nightmare. Every twinge I feel is a deadly condition, pressure in ears = brain tumour. Twitch in leg = blood clot. Pain in eye= high pressure in eye. Pain in chest = heart attack. Etc etc. I am literally running around in circles in my own mind. If you have read this far then I thank you so much. Will I feel like this forever? Will I get my personality back?* Will I lose my mind? I'm sorry if I'm sounding irrational but you will all know that it's impossible to act in any other way.

All of that is exactly what happens everyday in my life.... Forever checking my pulse etc I'm a 27year old male who's had this since I was in my early teens :( I feel the same way so your not alone x

Yep we definitely have the same type of anxiety. I think this forum can really help us. You are not alone GSnow.

[GSnow]

Thanks I hope we pull thru this... I'm sorry I didn't write much about myself but you summed me up thru your post... I'm convinced I'm going to get ill or die and the symptoms are sooo real that some nights I can't even get to sleep.. I too am self employed and I have been taking a lot of time off work due to not feeling myself which has now made me a bit behind on bills etc n then it starts again "panic & anxiety" kicks in making me feel worse and then comes the racing heart, sweats, dizziness, DOOM etc... Vicious cycle!!
I have not seeked any help since 2008 because I have always been scared that something real is wrong with me :(

What meds have you been on and did they help honestly....
How did you get into cbt??

Sorry to be a pain writing all over your post it's just strange how I saw yours today as I only registered here today and your post sums me up 110% x

[Dahila]

Hi I am not sure you are not you:) . Anxiety is like a flu everyone have it. There is many options for people, like herbs, medication, meditation. Please read the stickies on general forum to get the picture. Health anxiety is the the most common sign. I have it almost 40 years. Dying every day is not fun. It is manageable. I take meds true, and meditate, it somehow keep the anxiety at bay.
You suffer with panic attack. They are awful but you will survive, every next panic attack is easier, you know the drill. I went back and had read every sentence.
Well forum and people here help, first of all you do not feel alone and weird, many others are the same as you. I found the hard way that drinking does not solve anything. I do not think people who suffer anxiety should drink. It gets worse. I know someone who drinks not to have anxiety; does not help much.
You had read many posts and you know how it works. Fear causes panic attacks, even indication of fear do it too. You are going to have a good life and beautiful family :) Just do what you do, ;)

[jessed03]

I've been here a few years now, and I've known a LOT of Jemmas or Gemmas in that time. Must be something in the name! :)

As has been said here, you will return to your normal self. In fact, you'll return to somebody better than your normal self. Anxiety enhances your senses and enlivens your creativity.

You're still there. Anxiety is just an addition to your being. Almost like dust on a picture. The picture remains in tact, but the dust can prevent it from being seen and experienced clearly. The dust, in our case is adrenaline. That's what distorts the picture. Take that away and you'll feel like yourself again.

Your journey is to educate yourself on why this adrenaline is there, why it's completely harmless, and how you can prevent it from being released abundantly.

I hope you can do all of those things in 2015. Do let us know if you need help at any point along the way!

[Jemma8286]

Gsnow, please do not worry about writing in my post. I hope that by reading my story you have realised that you really are not alone. When I get these horrible thoughts about dying I tell myself that I have been having these thoughts constantly for 2 weeks now and I am still here. I feel hypocritical saying that to you because I know it is easier said than done and half of the time the fear wins anyway. Regarding medication, duloxetine the first time around helped me abundantly. I cannot really comment on them currently because I am in the early stages of taking them and they make you feel worse before better like Gypsy said earlier. My doctor organised the CBT for me. Do you live in the UK? I'm going to have a look at the sticky posted I noticed earlier where a member has posted a government Internet link on CBT self help, maybe you should have a look too?

Dahlia, you right in regards to alcohol. This is why I do not drink often. My body seems to have an intolerance to it. Your words are so kind and thank you for replying :)

Jessed, I think maybe the Jemma ' s and Gemma ' s are prone to anxiety? I like your interpretations of anxiety like dust on a picture, nicely put and very very true.

I am absolutely petrified of staying like this forever because I love my life and cherish it so much like everyone else. I wish I had the skills to cope and appreciate the unpredictability of life.

[GSnow]

Hey, yes I am from the UK so hopefully I can get that too if I tell my doctor everything. Thanks for your help and tbh reading what you say makes me feel a lot better in myself and gives me strength to believe I can beat this.. Thanks