Scooter86
12-29-2014, 09:26 AM
Hey all,
This is my first time posting on an anxiety forum so I want to say hi to begin. I've always suffered from anxiety due to my hypochondria which used to be focused mainly on my physical symptoms (you know: a racing heart means I'm having a heart attack, sweaty palms, forehead and dizziness means I might pass out). About two months ago I walked into the kitchen and saw a knife on the table and had an image of me cutting myself. Though I never wanted actually wanted hurt myself, I couldn't stop obsessing over the thought that I was going crazy and that eventually I would lose control and hurt myself or someone else. Naturally I went to my doctor, called my employee assistance program and began seeing a therapist. I also started on my medication for anxiety again.
Now I've shaken that initial thought of hurting myself or others but since then I haven't been able to get the idea out of my head that I'm going crazy, like I might become schizophrenic or something. I even started to think I might become paranoid around strangers to begin with and then even started to fear that I might stop trusting my family, the most trusted supporters throughout this whole mess. It's getting to the point where I get really anxious when I do anything at all - if I leave the house I sometimes fear that someone might be watching me (a common symptom of schizophrenia) and then this of course confirms my hypothesis that I'm going crazy.
My new obsession came on Christmas night when we were watching tv. It was a show about the main characters getting trapped in dreams within dreams, very similar to the movie Inception. Anyway, this concept of everything being a dream really scared me and I haven't been able to shake it since. The idea that I'm just living in a dream with no reality has really freaked me out - that my family and closest friends might not be real and that I'm facing all of this alone. I know it sounds crazy and I think deep down I know this is reality but it's like my mind won't believe my rational thoughts. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it. So when I looked into it online I came across these forums where people have mentioned depersonalization/derealization and I've been wondering if this is what I have? Even though the concept came from a tv show, have I adapted it into depersonalization in my mind? There is no doubt that I haven't felt myself at all the last two months. I used to be a pretty happy person, very social. My family and friends were the most important to me in life, in fact they made me who I am. And lately I feel so detached from reality, I spend time with them but I feel like it's not the same. I'm constantly nervous to do anything now because I feel like I'm just going crazy and I might be a threat to myself or others, even though I've never acted out against anyone or myself.
It's like my mind is constantly finding ways to make me feel like I'm losing control or becoming trapped in this nightmare and it won't let my rational thoughts overcome the negative ones. I've been trying mindfulness guided meditations and CBT techniques but they haven't helped that much. Normally I try to avoid looking things up online because it tends to make things worse for me but when I came across these forums yesterday it really gave me relief to see that these fears about me living a dream aren't just thoughts I'm having alone. I just don't know if my fears can be characterized as depersonalization or not. Any advice or tips to help me through these tough times?
Thanks everyone.
S
This is my first time posting on an anxiety forum so I want to say hi to begin. I've always suffered from anxiety due to my hypochondria which used to be focused mainly on my physical symptoms (you know: a racing heart means I'm having a heart attack, sweaty palms, forehead and dizziness means I might pass out). About two months ago I walked into the kitchen and saw a knife on the table and had an image of me cutting myself. Though I never wanted actually wanted hurt myself, I couldn't stop obsessing over the thought that I was going crazy and that eventually I would lose control and hurt myself or someone else. Naturally I went to my doctor, called my employee assistance program and began seeing a therapist. I also started on my medication for anxiety again.
Now I've shaken that initial thought of hurting myself or others but since then I haven't been able to get the idea out of my head that I'm going crazy, like I might become schizophrenic or something. I even started to think I might become paranoid around strangers to begin with and then even started to fear that I might stop trusting my family, the most trusted supporters throughout this whole mess. It's getting to the point where I get really anxious when I do anything at all - if I leave the house I sometimes fear that someone might be watching me (a common symptom of schizophrenia) and then this of course confirms my hypothesis that I'm going crazy.
My new obsession came on Christmas night when we were watching tv. It was a show about the main characters getting trapped in dreams within dreams, very similar to the movie Inception. Anyway, this concept of everything being a dream really scared me and I haven't been able to shake it since. The idea that I'm just living in a dream with no reality has really freaked me out - that my family and closest friends might not be real and that I'm facing all of this alone. I know it sounds crazy and I think deep down I know this is reality but it's like my mind won't believe my rational thoughts. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it. So when I looked into it online I came across these forums where people have mentioned depersonalization/derealization and I've been wondering if this is what I have? Even though the concept came from a tv show, have I adapted it into depersonalization in my mind? There is no doubt that I haven't felt myself at all the last two months. I used to be a pretty happy person, very social. My family and friends were the most important to me in life, in fact they made me who I am. And lately I feel so detached from reality, I spend time with them but I feel like it's not the same. I'm constantly nervous to do anything now because I feel like I'm just going crazy and I might be a threat to myself or others, even though I've never acted out against anyone or myself.
It's like my mind is constantly finding ways to make me feel like I'm losing control or becoming trapped in this nightmare and it won't let my rational thoughts overcome the negative ones. I've been trying mindfulness guided meditations and CBT techniques but they haven't helped that much. Normally I try to avoid looking things up online because it tends to make things worse for me but when I came across these forums yesterday it really gave me relief to see that these fears about me living a dream aren't just thoughts I'm having alone. I just don't know if my fears can be characterized as depersonalization or not. Any advice or tips to help me through these tough times?
Thanks everyone.
S