Mornings are tough for me....

[Tranquil]

I didn't realize that our first post takes so long to show up on this site. I did a welcome intro late last night.
Anyway, I wanted to say that mornings are tough for me. The symptoms of anxiety I have now versus the actual symptoms I had back when I was first put
on medication are extremely different. Before the symptoms were mind blowing and I didn't even feel human. This was decades ago, however now my
anxiety is just that I am AFRAID of living alone, AFRAID of working, even going on an interview and AFRAID of what the future holds in store for me. I
suppose my fear now comes from the fact that in 7 years, I never really started my life over and honestly I've ever really lived alone, I only did back in 1996 for a very
short time but I had a pretty secure job then and friends. I fear I cannot take care of myself financially but mostly I don't feel safe now even when I'm staying at someone's house unless they are there. It's like being alone in life. I think I'm_Suffering may say I was abandoned early in life in an emotional way and now I need to find the strength within me to take care of myself. Well I just thought I would try posting again. I don't know how long it takes for the posts to show up but I do understand why there's a moderator.

I think something went wrong with my first "welcome" post. This one looks like it will post right away but the other one doesn't show up at all yet. :(

[gypsylee]

Hi and welcome :)

It probably didn't post the other time because the webpage is weird like that I reckon. I use the app (which you can't get anymore, unfortunately).

Anyway, I hope you feel less alone here :)

All the best (and Merry Christmas!),
Gypsy x

[Im-Suffering]

I didn't realize that our first post takes so long to show up on this site. I did a welcome intro late last night.
Anyway, I wanted to say that mornings are tough for me. The symptoms of anxiety I have now versus the actual symptoms I had back when I was first put
on medication are extremely different. Before the symptoms were mind blowing and I didn't even feel human. This was decades ago, however now my
anxiety is just that I am AFRAID of living alone, AFRAID of working, even going on an interview and AFRAID of what the future holds in store for me. I
suppose my fear now comes from the fact that in 7 years, I never really started my life over and honestly I've ever really lived alone, I only did back in 1996 for a very
short time but I had a pretty secure job then and friends. I fear I cannot take care of myself financially but mostly I don't feel safe now even when I'm staying at someone's house unless they are there. It's like being alone in life. I think I'm_Suffering may say I was abandoned early in life in an emotional way and now I need to find the strength within me to take care of myself. Well I just thought I would try posting again. I don't know how long it takes for the posts to show up but I do understand why there's a moderator.

I think something went wrong with my first "welcome" post. This one looks like it will post right away but the other one doesn't show up at all yet. :(

I haven't the time to go back and edit for grammar today, so there may be errors here, forgive me.

~~~

A child simply cannot make the distinction between 'mom had a bad day and she want time for herself' and 'I must be bad, mom doesn't want to be around me'. The thoughts of this child are making constant judgements about its position in reality. Without the as of yet developed faculty of reason. And so it soaks up beliefs at every turn. Especially those of the parents. Those go unquestioned.

Now,
'Mom had a bad day'.. I will give her space for a while....or
'Mom hates me'..I must be unlovable, bad, something wrong with me. And at the same time making comparisons with other parents. Maybe even those on television.

The soul must establish a belief system that will frame his experience throughout life.

Abandonment will continue to manifest in thought, feeling, and experience until these beliefs are looked at. Anxiety gives you the impetus. For others it may be a deadly disease, dire event, or shock..

Looking back, was mom/dad saying I was unworthy of attention, bad or unlovable, or was that my interpretation. Mom may have been ill and did not want me to catch cold.

Looking back, allowing memories to stir like a motion picture, one can replay the event looking at it with an adults eye. The different conclusion then can replace the distorted belief (truth), with immediate changes in experience and thoughts. You no longer need to feel abandoned.

We are not talking about abuse here, if you suffered mental or physical abuse at the hands of a caretaker, the emotions need to be released that are attached to the events and the abuser. All roads lead to self empowerment however, healing in all cases is the purpose.

Lastly, you do not have to worry about what you will so, how you will support yourself or how you shall live. Your life is created by your beliefs And expectations, and so the current worries, doubts, anxiety reflect the current beliefs and world view. (Ideas about the self in relation to all that is). If you do the belief work first, everything will change naturally and not forced...

Do not try and force physical reality to bend one way or another without changing your mental state, you see.

This is the magic of creation and the way humans planned it long ago. The ego assesses your position in physical reality by continually judgeing it against your beliefs. If reality matches that belief ego sends the message to subconscious (inner self) to recreate it. If the beief is, 'I am no good' for example, this will be created as experience, as the inner self does not question egos ability to see clearly. The inner self will get to experience what it feels like to be no good. Your feelings are always your guide to whether a belief is in your best interests. You are meant to feel good. Feeling badly (not words or thought) are triggers something is wrong - and your guidepost for self examination.

Now this is a two way communication. The inner self being the fount of knowledge and connection to all that is, will always send rejuvenating and healing messages. Inner self knows who it is. The ego has the power to reject these intuitive hunches, inspirations, because they do not match with its ideas of itself. So often help comes, but is dismissed for one reason or the other.

Cutting off its communication with source ego becomes fearful of its tomorrows, you begin to feel alone, even in the midst of friends or those that care about you.

'I am no good' has many implications, far reaching. The child that feels this way closes its heart, period. Shutting off inner communications just described its ego becomes rigid and afraid. What you call anxiety is just one offshoot of a fearful ego cut off from source. When we say source we mean the guidance of All That Is. Now, ego has its place, so we are not suggesting anyone try and kill off ego, as some philosophies suggest (or drugs). That cannot be done as another ego will rise up (naturally) to take its place. This new ego even more fearful for its existence you see because it knows the former was killed off. Changing beliefs will challenge ego, but it will acquiesce to a smooth transition.

Don't force physical reality to act one way or the other, don't push it. Just allow your beliefs to manifest, and if you don't like your experience, look at the belief.

That is all for this morning.

[Tranquil]

Thanks gypsy. My welcome was very long... maybe it logged me out. I tried to post it three times and didn't save it. It was my entire story in a nutshell. This anxiety is different. This is actually more fixable but it has taken me 7 years to get to this point as I have kicked the can down the road with some feelings of normalcy in the last 7 years. Anyway, thanks again.

[Tranquil]

Thanks I'm_Suffering. I wish you had seen my original welcome post. What you wrote above is a little off or doesn't make sense to me. I have found a couple of your posts to other people and felt like you were talking to me. I'm going to do a search for them later today and read what I can b/c I can see that you are full of wisdom and I really like your style. I just don't get the above reply just yet. Maybe I have to re-read. I mentioned the abandonment thing b/c I read it in another post to a 19 yo boy you replied to.

Anyway, I lost everything that was "safe" in my life back in 2008. Job, home, husband, my future. The world was scary and I did not want to live. My job was one I had for 22 years... they were like a second family, my husband took over the role of my family (for the most part) b/c he understood me more than anyone and I distanced myself from my family. They are not a good support system and yes I have had anxiety all of my life. They don't understand it. They assume I just wanted attention. I'm in my 40's now. I somehow came back (with the help of a stranger and taking myself out of the situation by 2009) and by 2011 I did find a job though it did not last long. I was amazed that I did ok and the only anxiety I had was accepting the position. It was a lower standard of job so to speak. I also had a nice financial settlement from the divorce though back in 2008 I didn't care about the money b/c it was not solving anything for me. Fast forward and I was afraid to go out and find work. The job in 2011 didn't work out and I needed to save what I had gotten to start over. I needed a little bit of money for car repairs and touched the stock market and day trading. I saw what people could achieve. I analyzed and studied everything I could get my hands on but I lost a significant amount of money. The way I dealt with this loss now in 2012 was the same as I did in 2008... denial. Now I am being told I have to leave the room I'm renting from a family member so yes, in a way I still feel abandoned at some level I suppose. My symptoms of anxiety are so much less than they ever were at other times in my life but I had found myself considering "death" again and I read your post on that and I agree wholeheartedly. Maybe I need to read some of your posts 100 times per day. I decided for today, I will take baby steps and apply for at least 5 jobs. The unknown is so scary to me. It used to be that death was the ultimate thing I was ever scared of but yet I attempted once back in 2008 and now I just feel like I'm a coward to think of it b/c this is not even half as bad as it was then. All of my choices have led me here. All I've been doing all of my life is trying to protect myself, control the anxiety that is how I saved, saved, saved so much money when I worked and saved for my x's and my retirement. Every single decision has led me here. I want to fight. It is hard to be a soldier every day.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks I'm_Suffering. I wish you had seen my original welcome post. What you wrote above is a little off or doesn't make sense to me. I have found a couple of your posts to other people and felt like you were talking to me. I'm going to do a search for them later today and read what I can b/c I can see that you are full of wisdom and I really like your style. I just don't get the above reply just yet. Maybe I have to re-read. I mentioned the abandonment thing b/c I read it in another post to a 19 yo boy you replied to.

Anyway, I lost everything that was "safe" in my life back in 2008. Job, home, husband, my future. The world was scary and I did not want to live. My job was one I had for 22 years... they were like a second family, my husband took over the role of my family (for the most part) b/c he understood me more than anyone and I distanced myself from my family. They are not a good support system and yes I have had anxiety all of my life. They don't understand it. They assume I just wanted attention. I'm in my 40's now. I somehow came back (with the help of a stranger and taking myself out of the situation by 2009) and by 2011 I did find a job though it did not last long. I was amazed that I did ok and the only anxiety I had was accepting the position. It was a lower standard of job so to speak. I also had a nice financial settlement from the divorce though back in 2008 I didn't care about the money b/c it was not solving anything for me. Fast forward and I was afraid to go out and find work. The job in 2011 didn't work out and I needed to save what I had gotten to start over. I needed a little bit of money for car repairs and touched the stock market and day trading. I saw what people could achieve. I analyzed and studied everything I could get my hands on but I lost a significant amount of money. The way I dealt with this loss now in 2012 was the same as I did in 2008... denial. Now I am being told I have to leave the room I'm renting from a family member so yes, in a way I still feel abandoned at some level I suppose. My symptoms of anxiety are so much less than they ever were at other times in my life but I had found myself considering "death" again and I read your post on that and I agree wholeheartedly. Maybe I need to read some of your posts 100 times per day. I decided for today, I will take baby steps and apply for at least 5 jobs. The unknown is so scary to me. It used to be that death was the ultimate thing I was ever scared of but yet I attempted once back in 2008 and now I just feel like I'm a coward to think of it b/c this is not even half as bad as it was then. All of my choices have led me here. All I've been doing all of my life is trying to protect myself, control the anxiety that is how I saved, saved, saved so much money when I worked and saved for my x's and my retirement. Every single decision has led me here. I want to fight. It is hard to be a soldier every day.

Edit... Open your heart again..that is for you. Tonight (a time of rebirth), HE came to heal the wounds, you see. And open the hearts of the forlorn and stubborn. And so now through new year is the time to begin your personal work.

I've added some to my post above about ego, so reread. I don't question what comes out, so to speak. So in some way it must be current and relevant.

Read it a few times. The message partly is its not a fight after all.. But a natural expression of who you are at any given moment. Thus you can begin to take some sort of responsibility for your life you see.

Should your revisit that painful time when you lost "everything" you would see that you had a hand in it. You would begin to realize there was a time of 'mental' unrest long before the physical manifested...or..things 'came to a head'. What did you really have? You see. It could be said that your future began in 2008, at the exact time you believed it was over. And in a very real sense, you no longer had that future, period. The denial was not what it seemed, but symbolic of being 'stuck'. In those terms, you denied opportunities for growth, fulfillment. On a deeper level, you felt changes before any physical event 'happened'. You desired more. You can release any guilt associated with those feelings. Because you deserve more.


Healing will come with truth...And that will set you free. Often the 'truth' is protected by strong emotions ~ painful. You are meant to go right into them which I have begun for you in the above paragraph..

I want you to release guilt. Out from under that blanket is the feeling of just how special you really are. That feeling is waiting for you.

And..

You are loved. When you allow that feeling in...again..life will become magical..

Finished this post at 1114 am. That's all I have.

[danielhermanson]

Who is a morning person by the way, I know I am not. I understand your fear but try to live the present and not think that much about the future. The future will come and whatever it holds you will see. I know, you want to be prepared for anything but it doesn't work that way. You know the saying: "Prepare for the worse and hope for the best". I follow this saying and in reality this is the only thing you can do.

[Tranquil]

Thank you. I just realized I never said "Thank you" I keep reading this everyday. You are a blessing to this forum.

[PanicCured]

I had terrible anxiety from around 5- 7 AM. It was that transition time from night to morning that really got me. I don't know why. I donlt think you really need to have all the answers to get rid of anxiety.

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you. I just realized I never said "Thank you" I keep reading this everyday. You are a blessing to this forum.

Love and light

[Tranquil]

Love and light

Thank you. I just re-read your two posts to me in this thread. I see I did miss some of your edits and now just got them.

What I don't understand is how from 2012 (when I had loss again) til now, I felt ok.

When my anxiety gets to where I am now, I cannot watch tv, I cannot watch the news.
I will have unpleasant memories visit me to remind me just how dark my life felt at times.
I even had a bad part of a movie come back into my mind today. It is all very scary.
I barely ever watch anything as far as horror movies or mysteries b/c I can't bear them.
The one I did watch in the last 10 years, had a scene in it which I recalled today out of nowhere.
It's like I'm tormenting myself b/c I'm so afraid again.
How do I get back to where I was in 2012, even without my safety net?

It's like I'm on a rollercoaster ride and I am unable to stay on a positive path. The negative creeps in.

When I had a CBT therapist in the past, she felt I was stuck and wanted me to take more medication. I was stubborn b/c I don't think it's medication that I need.
I need a solution and yes I go in circles, I can do this, this or this and I try to figure out which is the best one. I know it sounds a bit crazy but how can I have
such strong differences in how I feel from one span of my life to another?? These fears were always there but I suppose I was living an illusion? We all live in
an illusion in some way. Why can't I get back there long enough to feel I will be safe and ok in the future or even today. I do worry this will be a continued
theme throughout my life. The only thing I can do is look back at some of the difficult things I've been through before and know I got through them.

I've lost 10 lbs in the last few months. I feel guilty for eating and thinking the thoughts that I have.... I worry I will suffer for taking a drink of water when I
have some of the thoughts that I do, yet if you had met me last year, I would not have any of these fears or worries in my head and I would have thought I
had a very bright future. I don't understand. This is all b/c I had to face the reality that I cannot live here forever. The person has said I can stay here now.
Without this person, where would I be and this person and I do not have the best relationship; however since this happened, I have since been very kind,
very understanding, very patient with this person and their outburst and I have told them how grateful I am for them. The relationship has been better thus
far however this person has issues of her own and has not been the nicest person to live with the last 6 years. I only say that b/c I've been screamed at like
I'm still a child or told I am not wanted here. It has been difficult. Now with all this anxiety coming back again or just feeling like I cannot exist like this, I
do feel like a child yet I see how other families are struggling and I don't know how they do it without freaking out.

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you. I just re-read your two posts to me in this thread. I see I did miss some of your edits and now just got them.

What I don't understand is how from 2012 (when I had loss again) til now, I felt ok.

When my anxiety gets to where I am now, I cannot watch tv, I cannot watch the news.
I will have unpleasant memories visit me to remind me just how dark my life felt at times.
I even had a bad part of a movie come back into my mind today. It is all very scary.
I barely ever watch anything as far as horror movies or mysteries b/c I can't bear them.
The one I did watch in the last 10 years, had a scene in it which I recalled today out of nowhere.
It's like I'm tormenting myself b/c I'm so afraid again.
How do I get back to where I was in 2012, even without my safety net?

It's like I'm on a rollercoaster ride and I am unable to stay on a positive path. The negative creeps in.

When I had a CBT therapist in the past, she felt I was stuck and wanted me to take more medication. I was stubborn b/c I don't think it's medication that I need.
I need a solution and yes I go in circles, I can do this, this or this and I try to figure out which is the best one. I know it sounds a bit crazy but how can I have
such strong differences in how I feel from one span of my life to another?? These fears were always there but I suppose I was living an illusion? We all live in
an illusion in some way. Why can't I get back there long enough to feel I will be safe and ok in the future or even today. I do worry this will be a continued
theme throughout my life. The only thing I can do is look back at some of the difficult things I've been through before and know I got through them.

I've lost 10 lbs in the last few months. I feel guilty for eating and thinking the thoughts that I have.... I worry I will suffer for taking a drink of water when I
have some of the thoughts that I do, yet if you had met me last year, I would not have any of these fears or worries in my head and I would have thought I
had a very bright future. I don't understand. This is all b/c I had to face the reality that I cannot live here forever. The person has said I can stay here now.
Without this person, where would I be and this person and I do not have the best relationship; however since this happened, I have since been very kind,
very understanding, very patient with this person and their outburst and I have told them how grateful I am for them. The relationship has been better thus
far however this person has issues of her own and has not been the nicest person to live with the last 6 years. I only say that b/c I've been screamed at like
I'm still a child or told I am not wanted here. It has been difficult. Now with all this anxiety coming back again or just feeling like I cannot exist like this, I
do feel like a child yet I see how other families are struggling and I don't know how they do it without freaking out.

Let's focus, shall we? On just the key area instead of all that. Most of it offshoots.

"Since this happened, I have since been very kind,
very understanding, very patient with this person and their outburst and I have told them how grateful I am for them"

Continue this. Be more kind, more loving, more expressive. "I understand how I behave is often childish. I will work hard to get my life back on track. In the meanwhile I take comfort and feel secure with this place to live, and for that I could never thank you enough. I love you for that"

Because of the fear (subconscious) and these fears are always present to some degree in decision making because they are beliefs.

Again, because of the beliefs, you tested the security issue to see if it had footing, thus you made some wrong decisions in triggering an episode that would threaten that.

Give me some time, this is not easy....guilt is a big part of it, you feel you "deserve what you get"

Funny when I say that (give me time) I just realized I have plenty of time, I'm typing on a message board...:) ...The inner self tells me to wait..

Continue: and so you have the physical experience which is the tail end of the psychological 'ideas'. Combined with 'silent' expectations..."this situation will not last forever"

If the belief is "this cannot last forever" then the experience will be temporal in all things. The money, the marriage, the job, security and ultimately, the room you are in. This belief has many sub beliefs tied together in a web and ultimately caused the events years ago. However if you examine your mind you will see a close relationship to those events and the current experience. You lost much more then, but symbolically both are the acting out of the same belief.

Even to the extent with the monies so diligently saved (fear) you could not keep.

Now, the change toward your fellow man in general is a good lesson. For in your kindness, she is kind to you. And mirror. And thus the kindness is returned in the form of security.

Apply this to others in your days outside and you would find the 'good life's that was in your cards....at some point.

Be good, be kind, be giving, understanding, loving, compassionate and this will be your experience from the world toward you.

Secondly,

If the destructive beliefs are analyzed and thus you don't make the same mistakes twice, so to speak, your life will not repeat. You can clearly and consciously go over the decisions, the thought procession that led to the physical experiences. And so you have learned why they happened, and what led up to them. In all cases there were mental imagery and beliefs as a progression over time. None of it was overnight, thus any of it could have been changed if you were conscious of what you were doing.

Talking it out with the current situation, you unconsciously applied what you learned in the past, you avoided more pain. You are changing. The changes are good for the spirit. And the world.

Remember, you are in a cooperative venture.



That is all for now.

[Tranquil]

Be good, be kind, be giving, understanding, loving, compassionate and this will be your experience from the world toward you.

Thank you for all of the above.

Regarding being kind, yes 2008 was a huge lesson for me in many, many ways. I try to always be kind to people and always give the benefit of the doubt. I am still human
so still make errors, especially with family members. I have tried not to judge people as who am I to judge since I have not walked in their shoes. Again... I am only
human. In not listening to my intuition though, yes I have made a few mistakes. It is easy to fall back into old habits, at times, I'm not ever mean on purpose nor try to
go out of my way to hurt someone else.... however I find when my anxiety creeps back up to an unsatisfactory level, I need to be even MORE patient, MORE kind, MORE
understanding and MORE available to others. I hope it is coming from a good place, a good heart rather than me just not wanting to feel alone. Suffering teaches us
empathy for others.

Thank you again.

[Im-Suffering]

Be good, be kind, be giving, understanding, loving, compassionate and this will be your experience from the world toward you.

Thank you for all of the above.

Regarding being kind, yes 2008 was a huge lesson for me in many, many ways. I try to always be kind to people and always give the benefit of the doubt. I am still human
so still make errors, especially with family members. I have tried not to judge people as who am I to judge since I have not walked in their shoes. Again... I am only
human. In not listening to my intuition though, yes I have made a few mistakes. It is easy to fall back into old habits, at times, I'm not ever mean on purpose nor try to
go out of my way to hurt someone else.... however I find when my anxiety creeps back up to an unsatisfactory level, I need to be even MORE patient, MORE kind, MORE
understanding and MORE available to others. I hope it is coming from a good place, a good heart rather than me just not wanting to feel alone. Suffering teaches us
empathy for others.

Thank you again.

I want to say something on guilt. Since it is the silent partner to much of the behaviour and leads to anxiety. Striving to be good, when you feel bad, you see. You tear yourself up and thus feel like your split in two.

Guilt, is a word to describe a feeling. If I should act in such and such a way, and my feelings tell me I err, or by direct feedback my peers. I am meant to momentarily reflect, and not do it again.

And so biologically it is a built in impetus to do (for the) good, through trial and error. The animal kingdom has a 'purified' guilt that allows for continuation of the species and a general cooperation. An animal does not feel badly about itself. When an animal kills it has no basis in human interpretation. (not what it seems)

Guilt is then a short term remedy. Only when it becomes chronic does the human suffer. There is no (need for) punishment in greater terms.

Guilt is reversed by expression, remorse, and ultimately love. The purpose is always the return to love.

Settling ones debt in what is considered right and true. Removing any shame.