My first post and my story.

[outofsighoutofmind]

Hi I'm not too sure how many people will read this. This is my first time posting on a forum like this. I've been coming on and off a lot of different anxiety forums for a while now, mostly reading other people's stories to help ease my anxiety and to make myself not feel so alone. This is the first time in 4 years that I've finally made the decision to post on a forum. I'm not too sure what I can accomplish anymore from this. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but I'm in a perpetual cycle of anxiety that gotten me to the point where my mind has numbed everything and I'm not sure what's right and what's wrong. I've been going through the same motions that lead to this constant pain for the last 4 years. Every time I try and diverge to help myself feel better, I stop because it feels so foreign from what I'm used to feeling in my head. It doesn't have a sense of familiarity and it feels wrong and I eventually fall back into the same cycle from before. To explain, I have something I self dub as perfectionism OCD. It only strikes in terms of when I have to do something and I won't be able to continue unless I get it exactly right in my head. An example is reading an article on the internet, not understanding a certain part and not being able to move on until I fully understand it. I feel as though this is in part due the fact that I suffer from GAD (diagnosed from a psychiatrist) and one of the symptoms I went through was Derealization. To this day, I still feel disassociated from reality that's exacerbated when anxiety hits from stressful events such as finals (I'm in Community College). Lacking a sense of time; delays in physical feeling when I touch things; and just not understanding or being in touch with situations happening due to dissociation is at this point, driving me insane. I once heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting things to change, I feel as if this is happening to me and there's no way I can alter it. No matter what method I try to fight my way out, an aspect of my anxiety ends up winning and I succumb deeper into the cycle. I feel that my only outcome from this is insanity from anxiety or something much worse. This entire year flew by on auto-pilot for me and I don't want to go into another year like this. I'm not sure what I'm asking here since I feel as if I've done next to everything to help myself. I've been on medications, been to psychiatrists, seen psychologists, talked in GAD therapy groups and given lots of material to pull myself out, but everything I do, the anxiety ends up winning. I guess there would be a sense of comfort in asking if anyone else here as gone similarly what I've been through?...

[Im-Suffering]

Where has your heart gone?

The more you try to put your feelings out of sight out of mind, the more of a grip they have on you.




And to make myself not feel so alone. - You are loved but you have closed your heart, so you cannot feel any more..

This is the first time in 4 years that I've finally made the decision to post on a forum. Good

No matter what method I try to fight my way out, an aspect of my anxiety ends up winning. You never tried the truth.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here since I feel as if I've done next to everything to help myself. Everything except face the truth inside, that will set you free

What are the deeper mental issues that you absolutely refuse to face?

"I've been on medications, been to psychiatrists, seen psychologists, talked in GAD therapy groups and given lots of material to pull myself out, but everything I do, the anxiety ends up winning"

No.

What are the deeeeppeer mental issues (problems) that you refuse to face.

Or have forgotten (buried/painful)

Show yourself. Come out come out wherever you are. Once and for all.

Life is about you, who you are. Visiting psychiatrist, psychologists, councilors, groups, taking medications, all with the intent of faking out those people your angry at ... "look at me, look what you have done to me, well, I will prove you right." "See! Nothing helps!"

"And so I will play this game, fake out all these people, and even lie to myself" "but I will never truly heal or forgive, until I receive your love and acceptance." Who's acceptance do you covet.

Who is "out of sight out of mind" ~ literally

It's time to heal. To start understanding, to begin your true journey.

You came here asking for a miracle. Sending your concerns into the universe as a last resort. Don't turn your back on its answer.

[trinidiva]

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story here.

I am just going to give you my opinion based on my experience. I think alot of people think they can be "cured" from anxiety. I think it is more probable that we will always suffer from anxiety but we can find ways to help keep the anxiety symptoms manageable. You have to be willing to try things outside of the box....like you said.....if you keep doing the same thing over and over....you will get the same result. Keep an open mind and if one thing doesn't work, move onto the next. Read and learn about anxiety as much as you can. When you start to experience those telltale feelings of anxiety you start to recognize what it is, that it can't harm you and it helps you to get a handle on things. Don't look at anxiety as a shameful thing. I think alot of people spend alot of time hiding their fears, their anxiety disorder, because they are afraid what others might think. The truth does really set you free! When I shared what I was going through with a friend, I found she was dealing with anxiety issues too. Now we are each other's support system. Exercise does help. Not sure if you are physically active, but the best I felt was when I was exercising consistently. My anxiety related symptoms were virtually non existent and I was able to get off of the meds I had been on. I was meditating as well. Perhaps order a book on mindfulness. ....it truly puts alot of things in perspective. Cut out or reduce all negative influences in your life. This may be difficult but it truly must be done to start to feel better. If negative images on tv or print bother you.......remove them from your life. For me....I had to stop watching alot of medical type shows....it made me start to obsess over everything healthwise..

Just take it one day at a time. Pat yourself on the back when you have good days and dont beat yourself up on the bad days. ( I see you're a Type A too....so I get it!) If it helps, keep a journal so you can read entries that detail the good days you've had.

[trinidiva]

Well, it seems that "Im Suffering" has removed his/her original message stating that I should not give my opinion. Perhaps they thought it through a bit and realized that I was just trying to be helpful. Please disregard my original post shown below as it was meant for the individual who posts under the name "I'm Suffering".

Original Post from earlier:

Well, none of us are doctors here....so all that I can offer IS my opinion. I think that everyone has to do what works for them and their particular situation. It honestly shouldn't be an issue as to whose post the OP "gravitated" towards. .....I simply offered MY experience and MY opinion. Please do not tell me again that I cannot offer my opinion here.