Is this normal?

[Jonn37]

OK, I will try to keep this as short as possible.
I have seen 2 psycologists over the past 10 years due to having constant worries that really affect my life. I get a worry in my head and when that worry comes it is like I feel it click into my brain and then stays there. It then consumes me and I think of nothing else. I then have the most awful heavy knot sensation in the pit of my stomach and constantly evaluate the situation trying to free myself of the feelings. It can be about anything e.g. work, health, upsetting a friend etc. The first psycologist diagnosed OCD and prescribed Fluxotine (which I am still on) and the second diagnosed GAD. I don't see either of them any more because neither were helping.
That is my background and now the question.
I recently lost my job and had a HIV scare (which caused a massive amount of anxiety) which I have just tested negative for.
Last Monday I went out and got really drunk with some friends and I lost my friends. I remember most of the evening but some of it is a blur. I remember looking for sex but honestly do not remember having sex with anyone. There are parts of the night it could have happened that I have no memory of, but I do have flashbacks about most of the night. I am now so terrified that i did have sex with someone and that I had unprotected anal sex (I am gay) and that i now have HIV. I just can't get this thought out of my head and I know that i must take a test to see if this happened. In the meantime whilst waiting for this test I am just in absolute torment about whether this happened and if I have HIV. I just can't think of anything else and I don't know how to get out of this mental torture until I do the test. Is this rational thinking in the circumstances, i.e. what I have done. I just don't know??? Would you be this worried?

[Im-Suffering]

I have seen 2 psycologists over the past 10 years due to having constant worries that really affect my life.

- The answers to your pain are self evident, meaning conscious, you are aware of the big issue, but you are playing hide and go seek with it (and the therapists)..

What I have done? As usual, you act self destructive

I will say it, because no one has (throughout your life. And if someone did, you didn't believe them).. You deserve to live, period.

The issue is not AIDS. The issue is (hidden behind) the self destructive behaviour. And this has been a pattern for quite some time. If HIV doesn't kill you, you will make sure something does. Symbolically, you scare the life out of yourself.

Reflect upon the guilt and shame you carry inside. There is healing work to be done, mentally. If you cannot face your painful (repressed) emotions on your own, then this time in therapy, get to the truth.

Your life is worth the effort. You are valuable, and loved.

And so your only purpose going forward, is to believe that. And live it. Find yourself, clear the mess out and discover your true self. You cannot possibly be you, with all the crap in the way.

That is all.

Given with blessings, faith, and hope for a better life, to a dear deserving soul.

Consider me an old friend, meeting again, for a brief moment. A messenger, and then I am gone.

[Jonn37]

Thank you for your reply

I know you are right and the next step is dealing with my self destructive behaviour, but right now I don't know how to get through the next few weeks until I can test. I don't know whether I did actually have sex with anyone. I don't remember having sex with anyone but I am obsessed that i might have done and don't remember. I just can't cope

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you for your reply

I know you are right and the next step is dealing with my self destructive behaviour, but right now I don't know how to get through the next few weeks until I can test. I don't know whether I did actually have sex with anyone. I don't remember having sex with anyone but I am obsessed that i might have done and don't remember. I just can't cope

You have no choice. That's part of the game, you see. You must play it out. If you understand.

But, you must set yourself right. Listen to me ! Get into the fearful emotions for the cause of the destructive personality. The fear of the test will reveal many secrets to you if you allow them to surface instead of a quick fix on a message board.

Will this be the last test, you see? That is the question. I can do no more for you.

The outcome of healing will be the opposite of how you feel now. You will feel good about you, your future, and you will always do what's In your best interests. And for now, you could use the imagination constructively. Picturing a good outcome, starting to picture a healthy future. That in itself will balance what you have set in motion to some degree.