I wish I knew what was going on with me

[Sunbeams1597]

Hey guys :) I'm new to this forum so hello everyone! I'm 17 years old and ever since I was young, I've always been an anxious kid. I was always over paranoid about things but I never actually knew that it was anxiety.. For the past month or so, I had a HOCD scare after a friend came out ( you know HOCD never actually has a particular reason to creep upon you. It just hits you in the face ) and I think that actually made my anxiety levels shoot up to the roof. After that, I think I went into a phase of "depression" or so I would think? I withdrew from my family members and I constantly felt down and hollow and empty. But after a few weeks or so, I found myself feeling "better" in a sense because now I am pretty much back to normal and I'm on pretty good terms with my family members. At the start of this whole crazy phase, I realized that I suddenly had a "loss of interest" in things?! Like I used to have a few guy celebrity crushes which would make my heart flutter whenever I look at their pictures and now whenever I look at their pictures ( I still find them rly handsome btw ), but I don't feel that flutter in my heart? Or rather I feel like my mind will butt in and bombard my mind with "are you sure you find him cute?" "Do you feel anything?!". Same goes with things I used to find cute like babies and animals... I don't really know how to explain it but I feel really really scared that I won't ever be able to regain this "flutter" in my heart? And whenever I feel a tiny bit of flutter occasionally, I feel so relieved. I know it sound so so so stupid but this has really been bothering me for so long because I feel like everything that I used to love and find cute, or rather things that would make me happy make me feel more anxious now because I'm always thinking "do you find this cute? Does this make you happy?" And if I don't feel anything, I feel my anxiety levels shooting up again.. I feel like I'm just so scared of everything including my future and whether I would be able to find joy or happiness in the things I used to be able to find happiness in again.. Other than that, I don't think I have depression because I still enjoy the company of my friends and family and I still look forward to going out with my friends. But I feel like I'm always obsessing over whether I will have fun, whether I'm enjoying myself etc which is really tiring. I just don't want the joy of life to be taken away from me and I'm really scared I won't be able to enjoy anything anymore. Sorry for the long post and rant but thank you for listening to me :) have a good day!

[Katie_lyla]

Hey I really understand how your feeling I have the exact same feelings and theyre horrible. The way I found it best to control these feelings is to gradually teach your self to stop over thinking and try to block out the negative thoughts your brain likes to question you with. It probably sounds crazy but its like having an argument with yourself in your head ie; when you said about finding a boy cute you should just laugh to your self and think "yeh he is cute so what :))" Its easier said than done at first but it works after a while and it makes you feel alot better. You need to get yourself back interest in to things like hobbies I found that my hobbie (cadets) help alot as once I got comfortable around the people It took my mind away from everything else as it kept me busy and my brain didnt have time to think negative trying to see the positives in life is the only way to get that flutter back. Ihope this helped you alittle :))

[Sunbeams1597]

Thank you for your response :) from your reply, i get the idea that you are telling me to "come out"? I think you have misunderstood though, because I actually haven't had any of that HOCD scare in quite a few days. And I'm pretty certain that I am actually straight ( since the anxiety levels regarding this has pretty much zeroed down and I can think straight )HOCD is the fear of being gay but most people who suffer from this are actually straight. But anyway thank you for your response :)

[Sunbeams1597]

Thank you so much for the response!! Yeah, it definitely does feel like a battle in my mind everyday which gets really tiring :( though there are some moments where I feel normal and okay but there are other moments where I definitely feel like its never going to be over. Could you elaborate on how to block out these negative thoughts because I've never been v good with dealing with negative thoughts.. I'm just really afraid I won't be able to enjoy these little things that make me happy again bc my anxiety is always taking over. Thank you so much and I'm glad you have managed to deal and cope with it! :)

[Katie_lyla]

For me the best way to block out negative thoughts is when you have one pop in to your mind just dont pay it any attention because the more you dwell on that thought the more its able to take control of your head.It is crucial you dismiss the negative thoughts and concentrate on the possitive. So when ever you think negative litrally say to yourself oh well or so what or whatever theres a saying "your thoughts are what you become " which means if you think negative about everything you become anxious and stuff where as if you remain positive or even act like your confident and happy you will begin to feel it.... sometimes i find its best to pretend your happy and confident around family and friends because your brain will begin to feel that way and think positive itself. Dont get me wrong i have my bad days but just try and get your energy to be positive back and start to take more notice of the little things instead of giving your attention to your negative thoughts 😊x