Long post but the main point is anxiety while driving

[Lefreakc'estchic]

Hi, newbie here so not sure if this is the right place to post this but here goes. Hope you've packed a lunch because you're going to be reading for quite a while!

The main issue I want to talk about is driving anxiety but my predicament is a weird one so I need to give you a wee bit of back story first.

Since I was 14 I've had mental health problems (depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia and agoraphobia all interlinking) and I didn't manage to get to a stage of being 'high functioning' until the age of 21 (I'm now 24). A massive part of my recovery was achieved because I moved out of the unstable environment of my family home to live in the city where my university was based. Self-esteem increased as did my work load and social life. It was wonderful and this normalcy helped me to cope while my family life imploded with multiple tragedies (long story), one of which was my much-beloved-yet-emotionally-abusive father passing away in June this year after a horrific illness. I've now moved back home - which is in the middle of nowhere - after graduating and my depression/anxiety issues are pretty much regressing to how they used to be, minus the agoraphobia. Luckily I've found a part time job and have started driving lessons in an effort to maintain some shred of independence. The driving is very important to me as I need a license in order to progress professionally. Also it's starting to get embarassing when I randomly begin crying on public transport.

However my driving is being greatly impeded by my anxiety. Things were going really well until traffic lights came in to the picture. Every other street with traffic lights I am more than able to do bar one: the center of a little market town up the road. All I have to do is go in a straight line usually (unless my instructor says otherwise) there will be no other cars near me as their lights are on red. It's the easiest traffic light section EVER. Yet when I am driving I have a major brain freeze moment. My whole body goes numb, vision becomes blurred, I can't focus or move at all and my instructor has to physically move the steering wheel and use her pedals. I turn in to an absolute mess for no reason. My instructor says she has dealt with nervous drivers before and this was a big reason for choosing her. Now even she's starting to get really frustrated with me and a bit 'shouty' because I'm a good driver but it's my head that's preventing me moving further. She says I am 'the most nervous driver' she's ever taught in her 3 year career. I think the whole area is a trigger because it makes me think about my father, because he was a cab driver that often parked in the rank nearby. His grave is also in the cemetry at the end of this road but I'm not allowed to visit him anymore (another long story) so I even get really upset when the bus stops there on the way to work to the point where I start crying. I've tried the hypnosis apps, I've tried the breathing exercises that didn't work the first time and I'm all out of ideas on what to do next. It's getting to a point where I get a lump in my throat when I think about driving through there and I'm also incredibly close to just quitting driving altogether.

This depression I am experiencing will recede when I've left home and around stable people again. Also considering how much has happened in a short space of time (it really is a long story, seriously), I think it's perfectly natural for my nerves to be completely fried. Everyone is behaving as if I'm not allowed to be upset. By all means I know I'm depressed and anxious again but I don't want to go back on my high dose of Citalopram and become a zombie like in 2008. The crying at night because I miss my dad (even though he was mean), the sobbing on the weekends because I don't want to be at home and my low self esteem are things I think will eventually go away when I am out of this toxic environment. To be blunt, I won't hurt myself because I don't want to mess up my tattoos, my mother's carpet and I really don't want to die without visiting Iceland. So I'm not as bad as I used to be. Unfortunately if I don't pass my driving test then can't fulfil my dream of living alone in a little house with a dog and if I'm still in the family home by December 2015 I'm scared that I will become suicidal again. As you can see, there's a lot riding on my license. Would it be wrong to go on anti anxiety meds purely to pass my driving test? And are there any anti anxiety meds that do not cause weight gain or reduce sex drive? Food, sex and fashion are pretty much the only things making me think life is worth it right now, so I intend to hang on to these things. I don't think herbal stuff is much cop either but I'm desperate, apparently 5htp is good for this sort of thing. Anyone tried this before? And has anyone experience driving anxiety? If so, how did you conquer it?

[Goomba]

Your home area is bringing up and "triggering" your inner issues. It doesn't appear that your anxiety is actually with driving the vehicle, but is instead rooted elsewhere, and is interfering with ability to drive. I can't say exactly what they are (but you seem to have a solid idea), but the emotional issues are what should be addressed, in my opinion.

You could always move away from home, which will cause your triggers at home to go away, and improve your anxiety symptoms. You could always go on meds, which will make you feel better physically, and keep you more biologically balanced. However, your triggers will still be present and you will more than likely still be in daily distress. Anxiety Meds are like taking Tylenol for a headache, feeling better, but then slamming your head against the wall and wondering why your head hurts again. Or, you take the meds to alleviate anxiety symptoms, but your issues are still present, so the anxiety always comes back.

I feel as though you need to work long term with a therapist, or some kind of healer to address the cores of your anxieties. There are simpler fixes, sure, but the anxiety will always resurface if it is not dealt with. From your story, it seems as though it has been a lifetime issue for you. You are allowed to feel the way you do. It is human. But, you deserve to have balance brought back into your life.

In short, sure you can do meds to get through the exam. But, that will not address the chronic anxiety/mental health stuff. Meds can't cure thought processes. I would recommend the route that seems impossible and involves confronting all of your inner stuff, ideally with a therapist. Sorry if these seems blunt, or like I'm barking at you lol. I'm kinda half awake. Best of luck, all will be well, and you'll be conquering that exam before you know it. You CAN do it.

[Lefreakc'estchic]

Hi Goomba, thank you for your reply. Firstly I have to say, your response was not 'barking', it was kind and well thought out =)

At the moment I'm unable to move out. Financially I cannot afford it due to driving lessons plus the rent I'm paying for my mother's house (she doesn't work) while I'm here is eating my wages. So I'm unable to relocate right now until I have a full time job away from the area (I'm part time atm as it's the only thing local, my area is very isolated and also thin on the job front) with some savings in the bank. Hoping to move out by August 2015 at the very latest. Everyone keeps telling me that 'running away is not the answer' but it's very clear by my mental health and physical health/appearance that being back in the family home greatly exacerbates these issues. While living away from home I had worked up to being able to visit for one or two nights without feeling like my soul was being sucked out until the last day of the visit. Any longer than a weekend though and I would become a wreck again, mostly due to the intensity of dealing with one terminally ill abusive parent and one enabling child-like parent. A lot of my issues cannot be resolved in terms of talking with particular family members for our relationships to move forward because they view this as a personal attack rather than an attempt to grow and learn from each other. Unsure how this can be helped by therapy when others are not willing to address problems too?

During my sessions with therapists, counselors and psychologists as a teenager, triggers associated with family were not taken seriously and shrugged off as teen angst. Sometimes parental presence during therapy played a part too, I was discouraged from discussing 'family stuff'. However I saw a counselor alone at university and he was amazing - very practical, reasonable and very literature/arts based approach to the sessions. I can't see him again though as I'm no longer a student. I went to the doctor and they're saying I need to be assessed over the phone to see a counselor again and told me to call a number to refer myself. I'm guessing there's a long waiting list after that? Also is it possible specify that I'd like a counselor who is LGBT friendly?

[Goomba]

At the end of the day, you and only you are responsible for your feelings, anxieties, etc. Others may trigger uncomfortable areas within you, but you are still in charge of you respond emotionally, and physically. Your inner issues don't exist within others, they don't originate from others, they are a collaboration of your responses to/perceptions of experiences. In this sense, you can work on yourself in counseling. You can heal. It won't solve all of your family turmoil, but your reactions to family situations can be stabilized...if that makes sense?

The only thing you have control over in life is yourself. Though we are taught to look elsewhere for fulfillment, and divert/justify blame, our entire experience in life is within us, created by us, and our responsibility.

I'm not sure how long the waiting list would be, it varies from one organization to the next. Moreso than general physicians, therapists/counselors can be hit or miss. It's ok to not mesh well with some, and others are just simply not as insightful. I think your experiences with the college counselor shows that there are people who can help in your process. It's just a matter of finding them, being open minded to the possibility that different counselors have different strengths to offer you, and not getting discouraged when it takes a bit to find the right one. Though all therapists should be open to LGBT (GLBT? Lol I forget the order off the top of my head, sorry) it is definitely your right to request someone who is more adept in that area, and they do exist.

Hope this helps some.

You will make it.