smn4192
12-09-2014, 08:10 PM
Hello everyone, My name is Shaun. I am 22 years old and I have been struggling for years of terrible anxiety and depression. I feel like I am losing control of my life, no matter how hard I am trying to improve it. I struggle through bad drug binging and horrible contiuous drug addiction. Doing drugs constantly and being sucked into that lifestyle has almost ruined my life in every way you could think of and turned me into a unpredictable time bomb. I would do such desperate things I would never do like selling expensive stuff for nothing just to get a fix. I use to take and abuse any drug I thought would make me feel good. I've been to countless doctors, inpatient a couple times, and even got kicked out of outpatient because of how crazy I was acting and always being paranoid. The drugs helped me at the time with my anxiety and depression but then it became a vicious cycle and was also what was contributing to it. I eventually beat the addiction and got off abusing drugs. All I do is smoke weed now. I still have strong cravings at times to take "something" to make me feel better when I'm done. After getting use to this habit for so long, I became accustomed to taking something, any substance to feel better. Besides the drug use, I suffer extreme mood swings, ocd like behaviors, and intense anger to the point that if anyone even talks to me, I'll snap. One minute, I can feel ok and normal, then out of nowhere my heart starts to race and I get paranoid feelings. I always have a general sense of "society is against me, everyones put to get me" I always worry every public place I go people are talking about me or looking at me. Before, I couldnt even talk to anyone because I was so shy, but I have recently gotten better at not being shy and talking to people, but the anxiety is still there. I act out when I get anxiety and treat people like crap, when I dont mean it, I say horrible mean things to people and do mean things when I'm in "anxiety mode" but then when I calm down and think back its like I was a different person and I'm thinking I did that? How could I have done that? And then I have deep regret over it. I have a bad habit of over reacting to little situatuons and getting too mad when I shouldnt. I feel as if the real me is fighting with some monster inside me. I feel ike I dont even know who I am because my moods drastically change my personality time to time. I always feel like I'll never measure up to societys expecations. Its strange also because I know whats real and tru rationally in my mind, but my paranoid and anxious feelings make me believe the paranoid thoughts are true, like someone is plotting against me when none of it is true at all. I am very scared for my future. I am 22 and I dont have my license, I live and depend on my parents still. I had 4 jobs within 6 months because I couldnt hold them because I get so overwhelmed easily and overly frustrated. I recently got a job working as a cart person at Shop Rite and I've had the job for about two months now. Even doing that is hard because I never know when the anxiety will hit. When I was in high school, I had the worst time trying to sleep at night, and I would wake up EVERY morning feeling terribly ill, throwing up, feeling loss of breath, and having my hands get sweaty and numb. Its gotten so bad at some points I thought I was dying and thought I had to call an ambulance. At the time I didnt know what that was, then I later learned I was having panic attacks. Im scared that I wont ever be able to live on my own or move forward and do things I want and have to do for my future because of my anxiety holding me back. I also get so depressed sometimes, I feel life is worthless, and Im hopeless and I dont wanna leave the house or do anything. I've been to a lot of phyc doctors and have been on many antidepressants, antiphsychotics, etc. I now refuse to take any of those because the negative side effects far outweighted the positive. The antidepressants would make me feel sick and make my anxiety even worse, and I dont like the idea of dealing with that and waiting for weeks for it to actually work. Stuff like serouquel helped a little, but it made me gain massive weight, be lethargic all the time,and a heavy feeling like I cant move, and like I cant feel any emotions at all, like a zombie. Also at certain times I get this weird natural "wired" feeling where I feel happy, and "strong" and confident for a little and then it quickly goes down to being so down and anxious. It changes all the time, and it is driving me crazy. I've pushed people away and I dont want to be this person anymore. I want to be able to function like everybody else. I have a girlfriend of four years, and its taking a toll on my relationship with her and my family. I also have extreme impulse things where I think of a random idea spontaneously and act on it instantly. I also have OCD like feeling where I get like obsessed with certain feelings for a while. I just feel like I'm crazy, and although I have support of people, I feel like nobody, not even the doctors understand what I'm going through. Because even with the programs and doctors I've been to, I dont feel better. I feel alone, and I have no one to talk to about my issues so I thought Id try ranting on here because I honestly dont know where else to go or do. Theres so much more to my situation too, it's just hard to know where to start. I want to feel normal and Idk what to do. I want to live my life. Idk what I have been diagnosed with because I never got a diagnosis, but after doing research Ive beein assuming I am bipolar. I would appreciate if theres anyone that can give me any advice or to even talk to someone who has been through similar situation