Catastrophic Thoughts and Numbness

[Friendy_Mugger]

Hey everybody! This is my first post here, but I really need some help. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I'm a 22 year old male. I've always suffered from anxiety - when I was younger I would display heavy symptoms of OCD (ritualization, intrusive thought, etc). As I got older, this gravitated more towards health anxiety. I would always be worried about my health - every pang of pain convinced me I had a tumor, was in the middle of a stroke, etc. My anxiety was always troublesome but not uncontrollable.

About a week ago, I had some weird muscle pain that triggered a panic attack. However, once my panic attack had subsided, something strange happened - it left me with a constant fear that I would have another panic attack. This created a vicious cycle - I was worried I would have another panic attack, which built up my anxiety, which eventually lead to another attack. This quickly took over my life - all day long I had background anxiety about having another panic attack. I did a ton of research, and I discovered something called "catastrophic thought", the idea that some people with anxiety let their anxiety escalate and spiral out of control. This helped me cope a lot, and I was gradually able to reduce how frequently I was suffering from anxiety. Currently, I would say that my anxiety stemming from fear of anxiety has decreased significantly.

However, this led to something else - when I wasn't feeling intense anxiety, my body and mind were calm and clear - almost too clear. I began to become worried that I wasn't feeling anything at all, and that my emotions were blunted. I'm still experiencing this, and it's very worrisome. However, here's the catch. I don't know if my emotions are ACTUALLY blunted, or if my fear that they are is causing a sort of hyperawareness, leading to me over analyzing every human interaction I have, and therefore, not enjoying them. I've had a few moments that are really reassuring - sometimes when I let my mind slip off the anxiety, I have fun with my friends and enjoy my interactions. Additionally, I have a long time girlfriend who I love very much, but we are currently living 1,000 miles apart until January. The importance I place on her and my interactions with her are causing me to analyze them more heavily, meaning I'm having a harder time "slipping off the anxiety" and enjoying our interactions. The thoughts of emotional numbness are very intrusive - I can't seem to stop thinking about it, and it's making me enjoy being around people less. I feel like the more it worries me, the worse it becomes.

The anxiety isn't stopping me from functioning. I'm still leading my daily routine, I'm still interacting with people. This isn't preventing me from functioning, but it is taking a toll on my ability to enjoy functioning. In moments of intense panic, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I worry about having a breakdown, that I'm developing schizophrenia, etc. When I'm calm, I'm analyzing myself constantly.

My goal is to overcome this anxiety and I am extremely determined. I've started taking vitamins and magnesium supplements, eating better, and exercising (I'm physically fit but I haven't worked out for the past 6 months or so - I'm back to running about 6 miles a day as of yesterday). I've scheduled an appointment for next week with my university's counseling center and am eager to talk to a professional, and having been journaling both my thoughts and my moments of progress (such as increase in appetite, etc.).

I have glimpses of moments when I feel like I'm definitely going to be okay and beat this, but I also have moments where I worry that I will suffer for ever, that my relationships will suffer, or that I'll need medication. (Or worse, that medication won't work/will make me worse). It's only been a week since this all started happening, so I understand my actions might not be making a significant difference right away. I always pushed my anxiety away when it was less severe, convincing myself I didn't need help, but now that it's higher, I want to address it right away.

Has anyone experienced something similar to this? I'm really scared. More than anything, I want to stop worrying about my emotions and get my full spectrum back. I can cope with having anxiety as long as I can get over this fixation on my emotions. Thanks in advance for any help and sorry for the long read.

[JohnC]

Hi and welcome to the forum, Good ole health anxiety and just plain general anxiety, what can i say. Been there and still there but i fight with it every day. When i do have those moments of calm and clear they are soon interrupted by my mind telling me that i need to scan over the body to see what does not feel right. Surely wouldn't want to have a anxiety free day! I can not afford to see a therapist so i just battle it. A very good stickie in the general section of this forum called HEALTH ANXIETY EXPOSED is worth a look at. And sometimes medication is not a bad thing so why does that bother you? It does not have to be forever. There are plenty of good insightful folks on here willing to help so don't hesitate to ask a question or two and do some reading as well.

[Im-Suffering]

Hey everybody!

Read the following sllooowwlly and carefully: (it is a spiritual reading for lack of a better term)

I am going to give you a preface to therapy next week. So you are in a sense, aware. And have a starting point.

Easy...Easy. relax. You are hard on yourself. Your family has a real man's man image. This is your conditioning (growing up). So a part of you believes your not supposed to show emotion, period. Strict, even stern, icy cold is the feeling I get. A father, uncle, grandpa - someone trusted. Larger than life -

So you have a conflict. You also apply that belief to the anxiety, so you have removed or separated rather, yourself from the pain. (Mental). Your emotions when you do allow yourself to feel, are scary. You were never taught how to deal with them. Or even to recognize them. You buried them, your afraid of them. And so as a child you began to have intrusive thoughts, not realizing the anger you felt from repression turned inward on the self. You certainly could not blame the authoritative figurehead. A child always blames himself. Feeling these emotions turned inward, you began to feel them as odd sensations, seeking out what could be wrong with the body. (Nothing). A real man would never feel powerless in the face of puny emotions..... it had to be physical, you reasoned. A child's reasoning is faulty. He is not sufficiently developed. So your beliefs were in a sense - insidious.

Well, that now today is the (same) issue you face (repression). You can run 12 miles a day, or run from here to eternity, and you'll never outrun your emotions. They are faster, have more endurance, and more persistent.

And so, now you know what you need to do. Exercise your thoughts, beliefs, conditioning (mental), your family dynamics (childhood), relationships - look at your life - what you think (beliefs) -- for clues....leave the body alone. It will wait for you while you explore the danger zone of feelings, never expressed.

Do this in your therapy sessions ~ and or with the temporary aid of medication.

All the best on your expressive journey.

Total reading time 34 minutes.