Friendy_Mugger
12-05-2014, 11:07 PM
Hey everybody! This is my first post here, but I really need some help. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I'm a 22 year old male. I've always suffered from anxiety - when I was younger I would display heavy symptoms of OCD (ritualization, intrusive thought, etc). As I got older, this gravitated more towards health anxiety. I would always be worried about my health - every pang of pain convinced me I had a tumor, was in the middle of a stroke, etc. My anxiety was always troublesome but not uncontrollable.
About a week ago, I had some weird muscle pain that triggered a panic attack. However, once my panic attack had subsided, something strange happened - it left me with a constant fear that I would have another panic attack. This created a vicious cycle - I was worried I would have another panic attack, which built up my anxiety, which eventually lead to another attack. This quickly took over my life - all day long I had background anxiety about having another panic attack. I did a ton of research, and I discovered something called "catastrophic thought", the idea that some people with anxiety let their anxiety escalate and spiral out of control. This helped me cope a lot, and I was gradually able to reduce how frequently I was suffering from anxiety. Currently, I would say that my anxiety stemming from fear of anxiety has decreased significantly.
However, this led to something else - when I wasn't feeling intense anxiety, my body and mind were calm and clear - almost too clear. I began to become worried that I wasn't feeling anything at all, and that my emotions were blunted. I'm still experiencing this, and it's very worrisome. However, here's the catch. I don't know if my emotions are ACTUALLY blunted, or if my fear that they are is causing a sort of hyperawareness, leading to me over analyzing every human interaction I have, and therefore, not enjoying them. I've had a few moments that are really reassuring - sometimes when I let my mind slip off the anxiety, I have fun with my friends and enjoy my interactions. Additionally, I have a long time girlfriend who I love very much, but we are currently living 1,000 miles apart until January. The importance I place on her and my interactions with her are causing me to analyze them more heavily, meaning I'm having a harder time "slipping off the anxiety" and enjoying our interactions. The thoughts of emotional numbness are very intrusive - I can't seem to stop thinking about it, and it's making me enjoy being around people less. I feel like the more it worries me, the worse it becomes.
The anxiety isn't stopping me from functioning. I'm still leading my daily routine, I'm still interacting with people. This isn't preventing me from functioning, but it is taking a toll on my ability to enjoy functioning. In moments of intense panic, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I worry about having a breakdown, that I'm developing schizophrenia, etc. When I'm calm, I'm analyzing myself constantly.
My goal is to overcome this anxiety and I am extremely determined. I've started taking vitamins and magnesium supplements, eating better, and exercising (I'm physically fit but I haven't worked out for the past 6 months or so - I'm back to running about 6 miles a day as of yesterday). I've scheduled an appointment for next week with my university's counseling center and am eager to talk to a professional, and having been journaling both my thoughts and my moments of progress (such as increase in appetite, etc.).
I have glimpses of moments when I feel like I'm definitely going to be okay and beat this, but I also have moments where I worry that I will suffer for ever, that my relationships will suffer, or that I'll need medication. (Or worse, that medication won't work/will make me worse). It's only been a week since this all started happening, so I understand my actions might not be making a significant difference right away. I always pushed my anxiety away when it was less severe, convincing myself I didn't need help, but now that it's higher, I want to address it right away.
Has anyone experienced something similar to this? I'm really scared. More than anything, I want to stop worrying about my emotions and get my full spectrum back. I can cope with having anxiety as long as I can get over this fixation on my emotions. Thanks in advance for any help and sorry for the long read.
About a week ago, I had some weird muscle pain that triggered a panic attack. However, once my panic attack had subsided, something strange happened - it left me with a constant fear that I would have another panic attack. This created a vicious cycle - I was worried I would have another panic attack, which built up my anxiety, which eventually lead to another attack. This quickly took over my life - all day long I had background anxiety about having another panic attack. I did a ton of research, and I discovered something called "catastrophic thought", the idea that some people with anxiety let their anxiety escalate and spiral out of control. This helped me cope a lot, and I was gradually able to reduce how frequently I was suffering from anxiety. Currently, I would say that my anxiety stemming from fear of anxiety has decreased significantly.
However, this led to something else - when I wasn't feeling intense anxiety, my body and mind were calm and clear - almost too clear. I began to become worried that I wasn't feeling anything at all, and that my emotions were blunted. I'm still experiencing this, and it's very worrisome. However, here's the catch. I don't know if my emotions are ACTUALLY blunted, or if my fear that they are is causing a sort of hyperawareness, leading to me over analyzing every human interaction I have, and therefore, not enjoying them. I've had a few moments that are really reassuring - sometimes when I let my mind slip off the anxiety, I have fun with my friends and enjoy my interactions. Additionally, I have a long time girlfriend who I love very much, but we are currently living 1,000 miles apart until January. The importance I place on her and my interactions with her are causing me to analyze them more heavily, meaning I'm having a harder time "slipping off the anxiety" and enjoying our interactions. The thoughts of emotional numbness are very intrusive - I can't seem to stop thinking about it, and it's making me enjoy being around people less. I feel like the more it worries me, the worse it becomes.
The anxiety isn't stopping me from functioning. I'm still leading my daily routine, I'm still interacting with people. This isn't preventing me from functioning, but it is taking a toll on my ability to enjoy functioning. In moments of intense panic, I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I worry about having a breakdown, that I'm developing schizophrenia, etc. When I'm calm, I'm analyzing myself constantly.
My goal is to overcome this anxiety and I am extremely determined. I've started taking vitamins and magnesium supplements, eating better, and exercising (I'm physically fit but I haven't worked out for the past 6 months or so - I'm back to running about 6 miles a day as of yesterday). I've scheduled an appointment for next week with my university's counseling center and am eager to talk to a professional, and having been journaling both my thoughts and my moments of progress (such as increase in appetite, etc.).
I have glimpses of moments when I feel like I'm definitely going to be okay and beat this, but I also have moments where I worry that I will suffer for ever, that my relationships will suffer, or that I'll need medication. (Or worse, that medication won't work/will make me worse). It's only been a week since this all started happening, so I understand my actions might not be making a significant difference right away. I always pushed my anxiety away when it was less severe, convincing myself I didn't need help, but now that it's higher, I want to address it right away.
Has anyone experienced something similar to this? I'm really scared. More than anything, I want to stop worrying about my emotions and get my full spectrum back. I can cope with having anxiety as long as I can get over this fixation on my emotions. Thanks in advance for any help and sorry for the long read.