The need to hurt

[JustAnotherMe]

Evening all.

Had a recent relapse where my anxiety forced me to leave work today. Actually, that's a lie. Not anxiety. I suffer from that but this was depression but anxiety is an already existing thing with work so it's far easier. I just could not cope.

Over the last 48 hours my mood has plumetted and I've resume self harm, I've repeatedly punched myself in my head until I can't take it any longer, I repeatedly hold a knife and press it into my skin until the pain is too much.

I made the mistake of looking up an ex and it hit me far more than I thought, after many years. I am trying to remember the lessons that my psych taught me and the underlying emotions, the one that I tend to ignore, are anger. Not at her. I understand why it ended and I accept that. I am so very angry with me though. so much it scares the shit out of me. without my family I am pretty sure I would be dead now but as it stands I have so much anger, so much hatred that just bubbles up inside of me and can't get out. I am thinking of getting a punch bag to let it out but I am not sure it's healthy to see aggression as a valid output. But I don't know how to proceed.

Thoughts and help welcome.

[mrseyeore]

I think punching a pillow is a great option. But what about weight lifting? It's painful and you can put a lot if energy and focus into it. Or even just push-ups.

[jessed03]

I was once told by a therapist holding ice was good. I've never tried it, but it can be painful yet harmless.

I'd say right now any way of getting that toxic feeling out would be helpful. If you think a punch bag would help, it's worth a go. Sometimes things can be unorthodox, but if they work, they work. I used to throw rocks into the canal. Ya know, the really big ones, until my arms felt like they were ripped out of their sockets and I could barely lift them.

If talking about it would help, feel free to here. Hang in there buddy.

[danielhermanson]

It is very hard to live with anger but it is harder to give in to this nasty feeling! The good news is you can actually learn how to release your anger and not towards people. Here are some effective ways that can help you release your anger:

1. Cry. When you feel deeply sad, crying works beautifully. Often when we cry, we want a shoulder to cry on. If none is available, cry to yourself and receive it with love.

2. Punch. If you feel very angry, you may feel the desire to hit something. A very healthy way of exerting this powerful energy is to punch a pillow. Hit the pillow like it’s the person/thing you are angry at.

3. Write. Writing can help to clear the overwhelm of information in your head. It allows a pouring out of what is going on inside. Once you’ve written all you can, some things will still stand out or certain feelings may still be felt strongly.

4. Exercise. Some of your most frustrating days in your life may turn out to be your best days in the gym. Running, boxing and walking all allow great ways to vent.

5. Talk. Often times, we can learn so much just by hearing ourselves speak and we don’t need much feedback at all. If you have a trusted confident or teacher, even better.

6. Create Art. What better to do than to channel this energy into creating something beautiful?

The next time you are angry try and use these tips and see how you feel. There are a lot of great ways to release anger, here are just a few, for example you can make yourself much calmer through a special diet. Just look on the internet or discuss with your doctor.

Hope this helps, take care!

[gypsylee]

Very good suggestions here. I sometimes get to the stage where all I can do is cry, and I mean seriously bawl. It's a very clever mechanism for releasing emotions and I always feel better afterwards.

I also just thought of a more out-there solution - what about tattoos or piercings? I don't have any tatts but I've had a lot of piercings (most of which I've taken out now) over the years. They're kind of therapeutic.

All the best..
Gypsy :)

[Im-Suffering]

To the OP. The body is sacred. One of your major purposes in life is to learn how to take care of it. It is your vehicle of expression.

Your only one. And that is the issue. Learning to express and heal the (emotional) pain in other ways than physical abuse. Guilt was meant (as a tool) to address errors and learn from them, not to lament, fester, and hate the self.

You do not need an outlet for anger, you need to address and heal the reasons (beliefs) for it. You have been here long enough and at the game equally as long, it's about time you found your truth.

Who are you? What are you being?

Damage it (body) all you wish, even strip your soul of it all together. But you will have to do it again. The vice grip ever tighter until the lesson learned. For example, you may be born handicapped in some way where mobility is restricted thus placing emphasis on the body as one can only dream of normal movement. Developing a respect and in a sense a yearning for a working physical vehicle. And at the same time learning to express properly ones feelings since that is the only viable avenue.

I am giving you a clear, harsh picture. There is more to life than meets the eye.

And to my friend Gypsy above...there is no therapy in poking holes in the body or drawing on it.

Creative expression (in that context) is different, you see. Than one of guilt, anger, and it's offshoot, hatred turned against the self. The OP must deal with guilt, one way or another.

To the OP, no one ever taught you, emotions are ok to feel. Good or bad. No need to beat the self up over it, literally.

I could go on all day (I can feel a lot of information buzzing), but let's end it here, we all have our lessons, you see.

[JustAnotherMe]

Thank you guys and gals for all your input. I always dread coming back to posts made in the heat of the moment because I am scared of what it will reveal, about myself and what others think of me.

@mrseyeore - Thank you for the suggestions. I have dug out my chin up bar, I'm going to try and use that.

@jessed03 - your ice suggestion actually really resonates with me. I don't know why, just the idea of squeezing that ice as hard as I can, as long as I can.. it just seems like a good and non damaging way of venting. I've never come across that idea, I will definitely be giving it a go. Thank you for that and your kind words.


@danielhermanson - some good suggestions. I wish I could vent via writing, I used to write some poetry and I really enjoyed that but it seems that side of me is dormant for now.

@gypsylee - I agree, nothing beats a good cry sometime and I do cry, a lot when I'm like this. It makes me angry sometimes though, I used to have serious issues with emotions feeling fake and sometimes that resurfaces but other times.. it's just so damn tiring to properly bawl. To really let go, I feel so drained all the time I often don't have the energy to let go. Which sound stupid cos it takes so much energy to hold on but that's just how it feels, sometimes. Despite being an actual advocate of self harm, in certain controlled situations when you need to, the idea of piercing does not appeal to me. And I think I would want a tatoo to be something positive rather than a permanent reminder of the current pain I am feeling. That being said, if inspiration strikes I would never rule it out. :)

@Im-Suffering - Your response caused a mixture of responses. For some reason it reminded me of certain Buddhist ideologies but with a few twists. I have a certain passage written down on a piece of paper that is always in sight, it resonates greatly with me:

"Don't squelch your desire or try to stop it. You'll only intensify it. The point is not to kill desire. The point is to see."

Your points are valid but I also feel that they are idealistic and long term aims. Those points will not come about overnight, hell I've been dealing with these feelings for almost half my thirty years and I am nowhere near achieving that state of mind. Short term releases are important, they are coping mechanisms and they are ways of just surviving. One day at a time. One step at a time. That is not to say I do not appreciate the content of your response, the fact you would take the time to write down something that obviously means so much to you is a great comfort to me :)


Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond, it has helped a lot tonight. I needed that. I'm not sure where this is all going but it's nice to feel like I'm not alone or absolutely stark raving mad. Yet ;)