Helping my girlfriend deal with anxiety

[Ollie T]

Hi everyone,

First off I would like to say thank you to everyone here for the support you give, I think it is a truly incredible and brave thing to do to come forward and open up about things like this, and I appreciate everyone who is able to give their help and advice to others on this forum.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 4 months, and although at first I was unaware of it (we met on an expedition), I discovered that she suffers from anxiety as a result of severe chronic back pain. She struggled alot with the pain and found it extremely difficult to continue living a normal life and ended up missing almost a year of school. As she has slowly recovered, she has been able to gradually do more and more, but as a result of being unable to leave her house for extended periods of time, she developed social anxiety.

From my own reading and research, her anxiety is not severe, but it is still something she struggles with. She is extremely strong-willed and is slowly regaining confidence in seeing her friends, but she has trouble committing to anything and often cancels any plans last-minute, especially with me. Before I realised what the anxiety was, I would get quite frustrated that she never wanted to see me or do anything, but now I am beginning to understand what she was going through.

I personally have difficulty opening up and expressing emotion, but I have been able to talk to her better than with anyone before, and although sometimes she gets confused about her feelings, we do love each other and I want to be able to understand better. I don't want to try and directly help, as I have quite an overbearing tendency to try and 'fix things', but at the same time I don't want to lose her by not being supportive enough. It still does hurt that I can't see her and do things when I want to, even though I do understand why and do not blame her, but I feel like there must be something I can do to help her through it so that she won't have to suffer with it any further.

Ultimately I love her extremely much and I would just like to be able to understand what I can do to be there for her and best help her regain confidence in herself.

Thanks again,

Ollie

[Im-Suffering]

), I discovered that she suffers from anxiety as a result of severe chronic back pain.

I discovered she suffers from chronic pain and anxiety as a result of unresolved psychological issues or problems

You are the brave soul. I salute you. I corrected your quote above.

But your discovery is inside out. Flip the coin. The pain is a result, not cause. And so this is your query, can I fix this?

You can love. You can probe, gently. You can be with, support, empathize, love, show kindness, patience, understanding, acceptance, grace and trust. That one day she will speak about her troubles....or even recognize them.

The back, the school, the friends, you...Age old problems for this soul, working them out. So if you truly love as you say you do, then be love. Be the example she never had. One day then, the flower will open, and you will be there to enjoy it.

If you do not understand, ask questions. I have been black and white, no gray areas here.

You have not yet experienced the real issues (mental). As she herself may be playing hide and go seek with painful emotions. Read...between...The....lines. (typed for emphasis.)

That is all. Except.....do not allow yourself to become a punching bag, you see. Love allows no self abuse. Be watchful. Abuse is part of her pain. You have the personality of healer, which could exaggerate to a martyr. You both fit together in this way. That is the trap.

I have given you what to do.

[Ollie T]

Thank you for responding, I do try to show love at all times and I understand that this takes patience and deeper understanding. I want to be able to show her that I can understand her without making it seem like I'm trying to make things better for her, as she is very strong-willed and hates other people doing things for her.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want her to know that I do try and understand, because at the moment I dont believe that she thinks I will be able to, which is what makes her reluctant to talk about it. I would love to be able to talk about it with her but it is not something that I feel comfortable bringing up myself.

Also I apologise for my confusion, what I meant was that yes the chronic pain is brought on by the anxiety, but is caused by a back injury that caused her to miss the year of school.

[aml0017]

Ollie I think you are doing a great thing for her just by trying to understand and accept what she is going through, no matter how irrational or frustrating it might be. I think you do understand that if it is a bit frustrating for you it is much worse for her. So, give yourself some credit for even wanting to stick around and help her. A lot of people don't, won't, or can't understand things they have not experienced themselves.

I do agree with i'm suffering that her staying home a lot because of a physical ailment did not cause her anxiety to appear. However I disagree that all pain is purely psychological. I do believe that the physical pain and the isolation it caused may have triggered some feelings of self-criticism, low self esteem - which is manifesting itself now as social anxiety. I am willing to bet she has experienced some level of anxiety or social anxiety before having experienced the pain.

From my personal experience with social anxiety and for a lot of sufferers, there is an underlying low self worth, an inner critic that says you are not good enough, not acceptable to others. So she may know her friends care for her, she may know you love her, but there is always that inner critic saying, if they really knew what was in my head, they would leave, they wouldn't want to be around me, and that would hurt more than anything. So instead of opening up she holds herself back, she cancels her plans, she avoids it.

So, just keep doing what you are trying to do. Don't force her or try to convince her to do things she doesn't want to do. Always let her know you accept her anxiety and all. You are right that you can't fix her problem for her, but you can always accept her. So, instead of saying "if you would just go and do something with your friends or with me you will just see it's not so bad" say "why don't you choose something you would like to do, and if you find yourself getting anxious it is ok, we'll just leave early or do something else". The second is so much less critical you see. No one is perfect, you will not do and say the right thing all the time, but that's ok. Supporting her doesn't mean that you should sacrifice all of your feelings, or the things you like to do, nor does it mean you should accept any abusive behavior from her (not that she does this). So if you like to socialize, continue to do so. Let her know you would really like her to be with you when you do because you love her and enjoy her company. But if she doesn't choose to do so, don't make her feel like she is pressured or that something is wrong with her.

Hope this helps a bit, she is a lucky girl! Good luck!