I'm so stressed that Im splitting mentally/disassociating/amnesia recently

[1Bluerose68]

I was worried about the pin code so I switched it.

Then later when I needed to recall my new pin code, I could NOT recall it.

At times I even experience these huge food binges and since eating has been making me overly anxious, now I'm forgetting what I even ate last.

I had a huge binge and hours later could not even recall why my tummy was protruding so badly, and felt like it was about to explode.

I have been retaining loads of water too recently, and YES this does make me even more anxious than the usual.

I exercise and try not to eat too much during my work hours.

but when I arrive home I go and eat dinner and and at first am very anxious after eating, say an entire 10 pc bucket of chicken at KFC, plus yummies for dessert and a extra large beverage.

Then next thing I know after my walk, I cant even write in my food diary what I even ate that is inducing me to feel so much stomach pain.

I have been vomiting after meals , of course, if the pain is unbearable.

I'm afraid I would rip my stomach if I commit to so much food and calories.

But after all that, and then when I take my walk, I feel as if I am walking in a fugue, or a white cloud out in the dark after dinner evening air.

I feel so at peace when I no longer recall what I have binged on earlier.

But forgetting my bank pin code the same day I created the new #, now that's a real problem for me.

I dont mind eating my heart out, it relieves all my anxiety from work, and whatever else is going on in my boring and uneventfully shallow life.

But, I cant commit to all the overwhelming calories from the foods which I'm eating and not even valuing enough to recall shortly after my purges.

I cant concentrate on anything too complicated, and feel as though my mind is running the opposite direction whenever I eat foods that I would otherwise NOT eat normally.

Now I'm eating everything and have a new way of Not feeling guilty for binging.

It's like secretly taking out the trash.

But, I'm not losing any weight so I know that I am drinking way too many liquids and NOT exercising enough, though I almost always feel like collapsing at night on my way home from my post dinner gorges.....

I think I am sensitive to the cold air, and the dark nights make me nervous.

But I have to exercise after my 1 meal of the day , besides the junk food binges.

Otherwise I would be gaining 3x as much weight.

In this New sense of Total Control, I feel really anxious at times when I'm not in Total Control.

I want to be whole, and not split over binging and feeling stressed over the inconsistency.

I can't gain anymore weight, and am really afraid of giving up my food frenzies that ironically help me reduce my stressors.

What should i do???

[Im-Suffering]

What should i do???

Check yourself into a mental hospital. And I've never said this to anyone. People on these boards are witnessing your slow death. (Daily, in diary format).

While you might not be killing yourself completely, (for the moment), you are self harming (dangerously) and (publically in front of an audience) it's very difficult to watch.


For any readers (you, reading this ), and most probably won't understand the following statement or even care to try:

This type of behaviour and yours if similar is the result of (seemingly) unsolvable mental problems (feeling stuck and powerless). Physical or any other illness is the inability of the individual to solve his/her mental problems (psychological) in the correct manner. Self harm is then perceived as the only option under the control of the individual under these dire (self created) conditions. And so a sense of relief is felt, psychologically, but the body suffers. Self harm to the body is inexcusable. And soon it will show you your mental errors, first-hand. (Pain). Only through self responsibility to the life they themselves created, can correct methods even be entertained to solve their problems. (Beneficial)

You are all learning how to deal with your issues. Pain or self harm in any form is not correct (solution). All problems are solvable, without the unenlightened need for destruction.

"at first am very anxious after eating, say an entire 10 pc bucket of chicken at KFC, plus yummies for dessert and a extra large beverage.

Then next thing I know after my walk, I cant even write in my food diary what I even ate that is inducing me to feel so much stomach pain.

I have been vomiting after meals , of course, if the pain is unbearable.

I'm afraid I would rip my stomach if I commit to so much food and calories"

Yes, you are ripping your stomach, that is what you want, after all.

[1Bluerose68]

I am not suicidal. This form of altering my levels of stress into sub categories is my way of putting some of my unwanted memories and stressors into a mental black box and throwing it into the closet. I hear of persons who literally cut on their selves All the time and they cant even be hospitalized because they have a chronic habit not a 51/50 situation.

Unfortunately my eating is a bit on the chaotic side during high stress times, but my health insurance does not cover someone like me for more than speaking to a therapist 1 x per month. Thats all though. If I wanted to go to a looney bin, I would have to act Like a real Drama Queen , go to the ER, act hysterical, or cut myself , and I dont like external self harm. I am a perfectionist and I try my best to appear very healthy. I am even too embarassed to go to ER after eating when my stomach is in bent over pains.

Anyhow, Kaiser is a very conventional type of coverage and they encourage us to use the community for extra help. Ironically in the wealthy towns they have actual Intensive Patient Therapy programs for say Eating Disorders. But I am not wealthy, dont live near a wealthy program, and cannot afford to be locked away only to watch my glutamus muscle spread way to wide from NOT being allowed my daily exercise routine, and usual fasting routine, intermittant to my Big Whaler Meals after work.

So please do not panic. I will NOT die. But am upset that I forgot my new bank pin code #. And now must waste time and gas to go straighten out this amnesiac problem in person.

I hope you are doing well. I haven't heard from you until now...Are you OK???

[Im-Suffering]

I am not suicidal. This form of altering my levels of stress into sub categories is my way of putting some of my unwanted memories and stressors into a mental black box and throwing it into the closet. I hear of persons who literally cut on their selves All the time and they cant even be hospitalized because they have a chronic habit not a 51/50 situation.

Unfortunately my eating is a bit on the chaotic side during high stress times, but my health insurance does not cover someone like me for more than speaking to a therapist 1 x per month. Thats all though. If I wanted to go to a looney bin, I would have to act Like a real Drama Queen , go to the ER, act hysterical, or cut myself , and I dont like external self harm. I am a perfectionist and I try my best to appear very healthy. I am even too embarassed to go to ER after eating when my stomach is in bent over pains.

Anyhow, Kaiser is a very conventional type of coverage and they encourage us to use the community for extra help. Ironically in the wealthy towns they have actual Intensive Patient Therapy programs for say Eating Disorders. But I am not wealthy, dont live near a wealthy program, and cannot afford to be locked away only to watch my glutamus muscle spread way to wide from NOT being allowed my daily exercise routine, and usual fasting routine, intermittant to my Big Whaler Meals after work.

So please do not panic. I will NOT die. But am upset that I forgot my new bank pin code #. And now must waste time and gas to go straighten out this amnesiac problem in person.

I hope you are doing well. I haven't heard from you until now...Are you OK???

I've always cared for you. Blue -

I don't respond much to your posts, I just let you be you :)

I'm ok..status quo.

Watch your diet, and emotions ******** as they effect your stomach region....I feel it.

Not to let the emotions run wild..You are not your emotions, you have emotions...let them guide you to areas that need a good look.

It is not one or the other (emotions/diet), but the cocktail.

I do know many things are not how you wish them to be. I do what I can......In a small way.