Holiday anxiety?

[aml0017]

I have not had any extreme anxiety symptoms for several months now. Some general worry and stress but mostly I can talk myself out of it. Then a couple weeks ago little things started to trigger anxiety. In this case my faucet started dripping a lot, then my tv broke. Small things I know but it sent me into a tailspin. It was all i could do to prevent an anxiety attack. I went to buy a new tv yesterday to take advantage of the sales, i was in the store over an hour agonizing over which tv to buy. I finally bought one, then when I came home the aggravation of setting it up and everything just sent me over the edge. NOTE: i am not tech savvy, and my prior tv/dvd player was "old fashioned" lol so now with having the new hdtv i admit I may have bit off more than i can chew. I seriously considered returning it and living without a tv so i wouldn't have to deal. I do still have it but may just call the geek squad or something.

Anyways, I was trying to pinpoint when the anxiety really started creeping back after so long. I looked back in my journals and it seems I have had the same cycle every year, where my anxiety/stress goes up around the beginning of the holidays. It is probably a social thing as I just hate the obligation of feeling like i have to socialize for the holidays, plus parties, etc. I always want to just stay home but i don't want to deal with everyone's remarks if i do that. Even if i am just spending time with my family, all that togetherness just exhausts me. Also, I put a lot of weight back on after losing a lot last year. I find I am so self conscious and insecure about it, on top of the social anxiety. I don't like the way i look, so I don't want to go shopping for clothes, but when i need to go to a party or anything i have nothing to wear, so i wear something i don't feel good in, and so the cycle goes. I do notice from my journal around the holidays last year, I was feeling good about myself and the way i looked and the socializing wasn't so bad.

So, i can deal with the little things like the sink and tv but as long as i have this underlying current of anxiety all these little things will keep sending me over the edge. Can't wait till it is done. Also, a lot of it is anxiety over anxiety. When i am always a bit anxious, it just becomes normal to me. After I have a long spell of low anxiety it is always jarring when it starts to return. I am hyperaware of it and kind of forget the techniques i need to use to get it under control.

[Im-Suffering]

So, i can deal with the little things like the sink and tv but as long as i have this underlying current of anxiety.

I have described what this underlying current is in your first thread, see that response. In greater terms it has always been there. You have long forgotten the psychological connection, in lieu of feeling the triggers only. (physically). The triggers are only there to help make the connection, and finally heal the self. Not to be swept under the carpet with self suggestions for temporary relief. In that context, the triggers are tools, period. Small psychic manipulations acting as impetus for self reflection, to help you get well.

Its never about a TV, you see. What are you being, who are you?

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?30523-Hello!

[aml0017]

Thank for your response Im - I do realize that this fear of criticism and lack of confidence in myself is the root of this problem. However, I have spent so much time just coping and getting from day to day, i never really looked within myself to find the strength to be ok with who i am. This has affected every part of my life day to day, relationships, friendship, career, intimacy. Just an overwhelming self hatred and feeling that I'm just not good enough.

I have not done therapy for years now, generally found it unhelpful. But there was one therapist who always sticks out in my mind as helping me at least start to address my anxiety and low self esteem, though unfortunately I only saw him one semester in college and never found another therapist i liked enough to continue. Anyway, we did touch on the fact of what you are saying, who is the source of that inner critic? I know beyond a doubt it is my mother's voice. She is borderline/narcissistic personality, endlessly critical of anything anyone does or thinks that is not what "she" does or thinks. As a child i just shrank into myself and went along with her for fear of her criticism and response. I see now i was powerless to her manipulations to get me to do what she wanted. I made no decisions of my own, any thoughts/opinions I had were not expressed. Now as an adult, this is my default response to any situation, either ignore it and hope it goes away, or try to get someone else to make the decision for me.

Now that I am an adult and my mother can't control me anymore, I see I have just internalized her criticisms and direct them on myself. I have not yet found the courage to overcome this. The self loathing is just so ingrained I fear what I will find if I find "who I am".

[Im-Suffering]

Thank for your response Im - I do realize that this fear of criticism and lack of confidence in myself is the root of this problem. However, I have spent so much time just coping and getting from day to day, i never really looked within myself to find the strength to be ok with who i am. This has affected every part of my life day to day, relationships, friendship, career, intimacy. Just an overwhelming self hatred and feeling that I'm just not good enough.

I have not done therapy for years now, generally found it unhelpful. But there was one therapist who always sticks out in my mind as helping me at least start to address my anxiety and low self esteem, though unfortunately I only saw him one semester in college and never found another therapist i liked enough to continue. Anyway, we did touch on the fact of what you are saying, who is the source of that inner critic? I know beyond a doubt it is my mother's voice. She is borderline/narcissistic personality, endlessly critical of anything anyone does or thinks that is not what "she" does or thinks. As a child i just shrank into myself and went along with her for fear of her criticism and response. I see now i was powerless to her manipulations to get me to do what she wanted. I made no decisions of my own, any thoughts/opinions I had were not expressed. Now as an adult, this is my default response to any situation, either ignore it and hope it goes away, or try to get someone else to make the decision for me.

Now that I am an adult and my mother can't control me anymore, I see I have just internalized her criticisms and direct them on myself. I have not yet found the courage to overcome this. The self loathing is just so ingrained I fear what I will find if I find "who I am".

In your day to day adult life now, you are facing it as that child. You never allowed yourself grown up beliefs. She (you) just wants attention, love. To be held, cherished, valued. Give her a shoulder to cry on. Tell her as a big sister, everything will be ok. But give her the voice she never had. (in your imagination you are to have daily talks with her).

It is important you allow her to release the pain, and at the same time show her adult conclusions. It was not her fault. By showing her adult beliefs, she can return the reins of life to you, so to speak, and have the confidence and trust in your decisions, you see.

Mom was a product of conditioning.... and thus this 'disorder' handed down through the generations, psychologically now, imprinting the DNA, the indelible stamp on future generations. You do take it with you, in those terms, as problems to be resolved, until they are resolved.

"who I am" - you at this moment can't possibly know. But you will, after your talks with that little girl. You will find and adjust her skewed perception replacing those false beliefs about who she is, and find yourself in the process.

Move forward in the mental work, no physical work needed here, only the symbolic steps forward to accept new beliefs and act on them.

I do hope you act on my suggestions, you are a special one.