New member from Washington

[krau19]

My name is Jesse. I am 28 years old, and I feel like there is currently a darkness creeping over me the likes of which I have never felt before. I feel like I am losing hope, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I have my good days and my bad days, but lately the bad days have been outnumbering the good ones, which has been significant. I suppose one of the aspects of this issue that makes it the most painful is the fact that, on paper, I should be the happiest I have ever been. I have a gorgeous, caring, loving, brilliant, talented girlfriend named Ashley. I feel like I can't even enjoy her fully anymore, though. I feel afraid to love her fully because I fear this darkness or whatever it is will take her away from me someday. I live in a beautiful place and work at a wonderful job. I am a reading tutor at an Elementary School. I am essentially living a dream-life that I would have envied terribly if I had told myself five years ago that this is where I would be at 28. Nonetheless, the world feels bad, unfair, cruel and perhaps even downright evil lately, and I just can't shake it. I keep obsessing over my own death, or the death of someone close to me, and I keep grappling with the idea that no matter what I do I am never guaranteed that terrible things will not happen to me, since I see such horrors befall human beings who are just like me on a daily basis. I feel like people who are happy are simply lying to themselves and putting blinders on to the true, cruel, uncaring nature of reality. The world seems chaotic and scary and it is sucking the joy out of almost everything I do. I have a few fleeting moments of peace here and there throughout the day, where I feel like everything is going to be ok, but those moments are quickly overtaken by a flood of dread as I always once again come to the realization that there is no guarantee that this is the case. This is accompanied by a near constant feeling of impending doom, that has lead to to believe that some sort of tragedy will visit my life soon, and I feel absolutely helpless to stop it because I have no idea what kind of form it could take. I fear that soon this anxiety will begin to paralyze me. I just want it to stop.

[Im-Suffering]

My name is Jesse. I am 28 years old, and I feel like there is currently a darkness creeping over me the likes of which I have never felt before. I feel like I am losing hope, and I don't know what to do to make it better. I have my good days and my bad days, but lately the bad days have been outnumbering the good ones, which has been significant. I suppose one of the aspects of this issue that makes it the most painful is the fact that, on paper, I should be the happiest I have ever been. I have a gorgeous, caring, loving, brilliant, talented girlfriend named Ashley. I feel like I can't even enjoy her fully anymore, though. I feel afraid to love her fully because I fear this darkness or whatever it is will take her away from me someday. I live in a beautiful place and work at a wonderful job. I am a reading tutor at an Elementary School. I am essentially living a dream-life that I would have envied terribly if I had told myself five years ago that this is where I would be at 28. Nonetheless, the world feels bad, unfair, cruel and perhaps even downright evil lately, and I just can't shake it. I keep obsessing over my own death, or the death of someone close to me, and I keep grappling with the idea that no matter what I do I am never guaranteed that terrible things will not happen to me, since I see such horrors befall human beings who are just like me on a daily basis. I feel like people who are happy are simply lying to themselves and putting blinders on to the true, cruel, uncaring nature of reality. The world seems chaotic and scary and it is sucking the joy out of almost everything I do. I have a few fleeting moments of peace here and there throughout the day, where I feel like everything is going to be ok, but those moments are quickly overtaken by a flood of dread as I always once again come to the realization that there is no guarantee that this is the case. This is accompanied by a near constant feeling of impending doom, that has lead to to believe that some sort of tragedy will visit my life soon, and I feel absolutely helpless to stop it because I have no idea what kind of form it could take. I fear that soon this anxiety will begin to paralyze me. I just want it to stop.

"Be the change (in you first) that you want to see in the (your) world" -as a rule there is no other way.
-Gandhi

Build upon the fleeting peaceful moments, switching those with the gloom, where the gloom becomes fleeting, and the peace the majority.

The outlook is conditioned, not factual. The world is good, intrinsically. And so are you, and those children you read to who have a wonderful, secure environment to grow into. There is more good. The good carries the weight.

[krau19]

"Be the change (in you first) that you want to see in the (your) world" -as a rule there is no other way.
-Gandhi

Build upon the fleeting peaceful moments, switching those with the gloom, where the gloom becomes fleeting, and the peace the majority.

The outlook is conditioned, not factual. The world is good, intrinsically. And so are you, and those children you read to who have a wonderful, secure environment to grow into. There is more good. The good carries the weight.

Thank you very much for the kind reply. This kind of thinking helps.

Hoping to have a productive experience on this forum. This reply makes me feel optimistic that that will be the case. :)

[mtalton]

The more focus that is put on the fear, the stronger it becomes. You have all the power to look to the impact you have on the kids and your girlfriend and affirm that you are worth having all of that.
-mt