i need help..

[Dora1991]

Iv been anxiety free for two years now and today i feel its coming back. Im 9 months pregnant and i cant wait for my little man to get here. Lately iv been having problems with my family (dad and sis) iv been supporting my dad till 2 months ago (i got married two months ago) hes only 58 years old, without a job for 7 years. Hes not disabled or anything, hes just a really lazy and angry person. Iv been telling him to get a job, i cant support him anymore im not working and its not my husbands job to support him,, he becomes very dramatic and he would say anything to make me feel im wrong and make me feel bad..and at the end of the day he achieves his goal.. (crying my eyes out, i feel like a bad person because i tell him he needs to get a job and step back from my personal life) i dont know what to do anymore, im stressing over this and my baby.. i feel like im harming my baby from all this stress .. i dont know what to fo, im so depressed, this should be the happies time of my life.

[simp]

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with all of that. I haven't been in that exact situation or even a situation where I had to care for someone like that but from experience in dealing with people who created a negative cloud in my life, truly a cloud that always sat above me and prevented happiness, I let go. I know you can't just let go of your dad but my piece of advice would be to let go of the string of obligation and guilt. Pick a day to call him or write him, tell him exactly how you feel, how much it hurts you, and how much you care but you can't support him anymore and you need happiness especially for your child. After your words are out. Walk away. Cry for an evening, be depressed, do whatever but don't give in to going back. The next day go somewhere alone or with your husband. Soak up the fresh air and the beauty in life and tell yourself you made the right choice and this is a fresh start.

I don't know your dad but I would imagine he'd eventually talk to you again, especially when he's a grandad. Stand a firm ground if things go sour but keep him in your life with the positive things. You'll be a mommy and that's what will matter most.

So that's just my inexperienced advice. Good luck!

[h_rock]

Dora,

It's never easy when it comes to family, often your heart ends up ruling your head. It sounds to me like you've done a hell of a lot for your Dad already, many would not have even got this far.

There does come a time when you have to put yourself first, especially for the sake of your husband and your baby. The stress you are putting on yourself because of your Dad's action will only spoil the happiness of becoming a mother and the relationship with your husband.

I've always firmly believed that a huge part of the way you feel is down to the people you have in your life. It's not any easy decision to tell your father you can no longer go on helping him the same way, yes you can be around for him, but not to the point where he is dependent on you.

Try and think of the positives, that you have the ability to make the right decisions for you and your new family. In the long run your dad will be better off having to support himself, I think they call it tough love.

Life is all about choice, you have to use logic and reason to make the right choice for you and then have the strength to carry it through. Afterwards you have to not keep revisiting that choice and beating yourself up over it, you did it because you knew it was what you had to do.

No one says it's easy, but the alternate is to stay stuck in the rut you are already in and it will likely become worse. If this is going to start to make you anxious again it will start affecting many aspects of your life, you already know deep down that you do not want to return to that again.

Good luck

Hugo

[1Bluerose68]

It sounds like a Dysfunctional Relationship. They say that the only thing to do is go your separate ways?

[ErinK]

Hi Dora1991
Wow that does sound overwhelming, Im so sorry you have to go through that. Does your Dad ever apologise when you end up crying with all the frustration of the situation? Sad to say some people have NO idea of the impact of their words and actions are having on the people that are around them. It sounds like your dad needs his ears cleaned...ie you will have to make a bold statement for him even to hear what you are saying.
Your health and wellbeing is crucial especially now when you'll need all the mental and emotional strength for the new baby and all that sleepless nights and extra work your body will go through. Tell your dad firmly that its now time for him to show a good example to his new grandson ...that pride and integrity are part of the family bloodline and that your dad will have a grandson that will look up to him because of who he is. Tell your dad he has to prove to his new grandchild that he (new child) comes from a strong family who care and respect one another. Tell your dad he needs to grow up emotionally and start respecting himself and valuing himself. How about any voluntary positions that your dad would like? What are his interests? There WILL be a charity or organisation that would love to have your dad contribute and your dad would love his new sense of worth and value and contribution. I hope this helps. Be selfish Dori, put your needs and the babys needs above this situation and do NOT feel guilty. Wish you all the best