butters
11-18-2014, 09:34 PM
Hello everyone. I guess ill just start from the beginning. Thank you for reading. I always had anxiety as a kid, espically social anxiety. I would be terrified to try to make new friends, new social situations, things like that. But once I loosened up, I was fine. Now things are the exact opposite. Im not scared of new social situations, I still suck at them, but theyre not terrifying like they used to be. But I never reach that level where I feel like myself. Im always tensed up and withdrawln, hiding behind a wall. Im 30 years old, and about 12 years ago, everything changed. Like I said, I would be really nervous at first, but when I was with my friends or family, I wasent anxious at all. Id even say I was confident. Not afraid to fuck around and be myself at all. I used to love smoking weed, and I smoked a lot of it. I could smoke alone, or with friends. Now if I smoke, I get so completely flipped out. If I smoke with people I get horrible social anxiety, and if I smoke alone I get waaayy too introspective and start feeling like everythings wrong with my life and one thought leads to another to another to another. I feel completely weak and vunerable even though im alone. I also used to use dxm heavily for a few years, and that's what led up to my breakdown.
When I was 19, my best friend fucked with my head pretty bad. I was stoned and on dxm most of the time, so it really messed with me. If I was sober I would have just brushed it off. Ill spare all the details with that, but it lead to me having a complete paranoid breakdown. I would think he was sending messages into my brain, even though he wasent even with me. Im not schizo, because after all said and done, I know it was all in my head. Well, he really was fucking with me, but the whole part about him sending messages in my head and all that, I know wasent real. I haven't had any other episode like that. I felt completely mind raped and weak. Like totally broken down. That A) someone who was supposed to be my best friend would do that to me. And B) that I allowed something like that to happen to me.
I was a really ridiculous person when I was younger. Adhd off the walls. Really hyper. Would say and do really ridiculous things just for attention. I was the guy in school who would do pretty much anything someone asked me to. I was everyones jester. And around the same time as my breakdown, I began to realize how much of an idiot I was. It all just came together at the same time. Now I feel I cant trust my own judgement. Im constantly watching over my own shoulder, because if I totally let go, I just turn into the idiot I used to be. Im fucked either way.
Something else that bugs the shit out of me. I get completely obsessed with people. Not like following them around or anything like that. This is hard to explain, so please bear with me. Like some people, for whatever reason, make me more anxious than others. And if they even walk near me, are in my eyesight at all, I completely freeze up. I stare hard at whatever im doing, usually paperwork at work, while at the same time watching them out of the corner of my eye. I have no idea why I do this. It so fucking dumb and really bothersome. It really causes a lot of turmoil in my life. Sometimes ill even make conversation with these certain people, to try to get past it. But once that individual situation is over, it just starts all over again. I cant just relax and concentrate on what im doing, im always so caught up in the people around me. Even my friends...I cant relax around them either. I trust them, theyre good guys and all, im just unable to get to that level of comfort I used to when I was younger.
Sometimes I pretend like someone else is with me and im either yelling at them, or having a regular conversation with them. I mean, I get so lost in these fantasies, that I will actually talk out aloud what im saying in my fantasy. A few years ago I started using oxycontin, and it made all of this go away. I was relaxed, confident, could speak my mind, and smoked weed without spazing out. I also went back to being hyper like I used to be, but I didn't care. I got pretty addicted to it. Needed it every day or I would withdrawl. I got clean, but told myself that I was never going back to being the neurotic wreck that I am. Well, im back to it. I constantly think about selling my house, quitting my job and moving to Portland. Heroin capital of the usa. At least then I could be away from all this crap. And if its not that, then suicide. I don't want either of those to happen. I don't want to do that to my family. I just want to live a happy life, but apparently that's not allowed for me. Ive been to lots of counselors, and nothing really comes of it. Ive told them all of this, and they really don't even have much to say about it. I swear theyre a bunch of fucking idiots. Sorry to sound harsh, but its just so frustrating. Nothing changes. Ive also taken lots of different anti depressants, and those don't really do shit either. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I can bear it. I keep draggin myself through each day. Everyday. Im not going to kill myself anytime soon or anything, but I just don't know how many more years I can keep doing this.
Thank you all for reading, I know it was a lot, but I felt I had to explain it all. I welcome any comments, criticisms, or advice.
When I was 19, my best friend fucked with my head pretty bad. I was stoned and on dxm most of the time, so it really messed with me. If I was sober I would have just brushed it off. Ill spare all the details with that, but it lead to me having a complete paranoid breakdown. I would think he was sending messages into my brain, even though he wasent even with me. Im not schizo, because after all said and done, I know it was all in my head. Well, he really was fucking with me, but the whole part about him sending messages in my head and all that, I know wasent real. I haven't had any other episode like that. I felt completely mind raped and weak. Like totally broken down. That A) someone who was supposed to be my best friend would do that to me. And B) that I allowed something like that to happen to me.
I was a really ridiculous person when I was younger. Adhd off the walls. Really hyper. Would say and do really ridiculous things just for attention. I was the guy in school who would do pretty much anything someone asked me to. I was everyones jester. And around the same time as my breakdown, I began to realize how much of an idiot I was. It all just came together at the same time. Now I feel I cant trust my own judgement. Im constantly watching over my own shoulder, because if I totally let go, I just turn into the idiot I used to be. Im fucked either way.
Something else that bugs the shit out of me. I get completely obsessed with people. Not like following them around or anything like that. This is hard to explain, so please bear with me. Like some people, for whatever reason, make me more anxious than others. And if they even walk near me, are in my eyesight at all, I completely freeze up. I stare hard at whatever im doing, usually paperwork at work, while at the same time watching them out of the corner of my eye. I have no idea why I do this. It so fucking dumb and really bothersome. It really causes a lot of turmoil in my life. Sometimes ill even make conversation with these certain people, to try to get past it. But once that individual situation is over, it just starts all over again. I cant just relax and concentrate on what im doing, im always so caught up in the people around me. Even my friends...I cant relax around them either. I trust them, theyre good guys and all, im just unable to get to that level of comfort I used to when I was younger.
Sometimes I pretend like someone else is with me and im either yelling at them, or having a regular conversation with them. I mean, I get so lost in these fantasies, that I will actually talk out aloud what im saying in my fantasy. A few years ago I started using oxycontin, and it made all of this go away. I was relaxed, confident, could speak my mind, and smoked weed without spazing out. I also went back to being hyper like I used to be, but I didn't care. I got pretty addicted to it. Needed it every day or I would withdrawl. I got clean, but told myself that I was never going back to being the neurotic wreck that I am. Well, im back to it. I constantly think about selling my house, quitting my job and moving to Portland. Heroin capital of the usa. At least then I could be away from all this crap. And if its not that, then suicide. I don't want either of those to happen. I don't want to do that to my family. I just want to live a happy life, but apparently that's not allowed for me. Ive been to lots of counselors, and nothing really comes of it. Ive told them all of this, and they really don't even have much to say about it. I swear theyre a bunch of fucking idiots. Sorry to sound harsh, but its just so frustrating. Nothing changes. Ive also taken lots of different anti depressants, and those don't really do shit either. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I can bear it. I keep draggin myself through each day. Everyday. Im not going to kill myself anytime soon or anything, but I just don't know how many more years I can keep doing this.
Thank you all for reading, I know it was a lot, but I felt I had to explain it all. I welcome any comments, criticisms, or advice.