HWalker825
11-18-2014, 04:59 PM
Hi, new to the forum, I hope you don't get tired of my story because it's long and involves a lot of self-destruction. Bear with me.
Last year around this time I broke up with my ex girlfriend. She and her family made my life a misery and I hated it. I finally plucked up the courage to leave her and I lived my newfound freedom, as any first year university student would, fully and without sensibility or moderation. This kicked into overdrive when I tried MDMA for the first time the following February. A night that changed my life. It was the best night of my life and after that night I'd continue to do it, in increasing frequency during the following months. That March I met my current girlfriend who I am absolutely and helplessly in love with. She was a third year student at the time I met her. We were just friends at first as when we first met we knew she'd be moving to London at the time of her graduation and I'd still be stuck in Leeds. As we carried on seeing each other we grew closer and fell in love and knew we couldn't just leave it. Toward the time of her leaving I started to grow more anxious about my health (people constantly warning me about my 'ticker' in relation to my drug use, I now have serious health/heart-related anxiety which I will come to later), my second year of university, my family (my grandfather has worsening Alzheimer's), and the future of my relationship.
Come mid-September I'd grown fairly unhappy as my girlfriend was away travelling for five weeks and I felt lonely. I took a trip to the cinema with my sister and as the film started I had a panic attack. I thought it was a heart attack and I thought I was going to die. Since that moment I've suffered a severe decline in confidence. I no longer feel any confidence (which I had stacks of before), security or optimism. My anxiety manifests itself physically in a very intense way and despite the reassurance of doctors I'm constantly fearful of dying. I've had to defer from university due to the inability to concentrate or relax. I've had suicidal thoughts. I've been in so much emotional pain and physical unrest that I've thought of ending it all, relieving myself. I'm absolutely certain that my girlfriend is going to find someone better than me. I've fully stopped taking drugs, smoking, drinking, partying and pretty much engaging in any social activity with my friends. And I feel like such an idiot because when people ask me 'But don't you feel better for it?' I know I don't. I don't feel any better because I can't do the things I used to, I can't go out, I can't be fun, I'm a shell of the person I used to be and I hate myself for it. I keep living in the past, obsessively looking through photos of me mashed out of mind and funnily enough, wishing I could go back to them moments. I can't see a way out and I can't see anything helping.
Not only that I find it impossible to physically relax because of a complete and total awareness of my heartbeat. I feel it everywhere and I'm obsessed. I constantly feel short of breath, on the verge of passing out, and my depth perception and field of vision has decreased to a tiny little pinhole. I'm so scared of dying and it makes me want to, ironically. I'm scared of losing my mind, losing myself and losing the people I love. I'm scared of being the guy everyone says 'He could've gone so far' or 'He used to be so confident, I don't know what happened.'
I've started counselling and I've been prescribed 20mg Citalopram which I haven't started taking yet as I'm scared of the 2-3 week downer period because of my suicidal thoughts, and the side effects. People keep telling me to find new hobbies but I have no idea what. People keep telling me to exercise but whenever I do anything physically taxing my heart feels like it's going to stop. I feel broken.
I just want to know if anyone, anywhere has gone through the same. I'm so sorry for the long post.
Thank you.
Last year around this time I broke up with my ex girlfriend. She and her family made my life a misery and I hated it. I finally plucked up the courage to leave her and I lived my newfound freedom, as any first year university student would, fully and without sensibility or moderation. This kicked into overdrive when I tried MDMA for the first time the following February. A night that changed my life. It was the best night of my life and after that night I'd continue to do it, in increasing frequency during the following months. That March I met my current girlfriend who I am absolutely and helplessly in love with. She was a third year student at the time I met her. We were just friends at first as when we first met we knew she'd be moving to London at the time of her graduation and I'd still be stuck in Leeds. As we carried on seeing each other we grew closer and fell in love and knew we couldn't just leave it. Toward the time of her leaving I started to grow more anxious about my health (people constantly warning me about my 'ticker' in relation to my drug use, I now have serious health/heart-related anxiety which I will come to later), my second year of university, my family (my grandfather has worsening Alzheimer's), and the future of my relationship.
Come mid-September I'd grown fairly unhappy as my girlfriend was away travelling for five weeks and I felt lonely. I took a trip to the cinema with my sister and as the film started I had a panic attack. I thought it was a heart attack and I thought I was going to die. Since that moment I've suffered a severe decline in confidence. I no longer feel any confidence (which I had stacks of before), security or optimism. My anxiety manifests itself physically in a very intense way and despite the reassurance of doctors I'm constantly fearful of dying. I've had to defer from university due to the inability to concentrate or relax. I've had suicidal thoughts. I've been in so much emotional pain and physical unrest that I've thought of ending it all, relieving myself. I'm absolutely certain that my girlfriend is going to find someone better than me. I've fully stopped taking drugs, smoking, drinking, partying and pretty much engaging in any social activity with my friends. And I feel like such an idiot because when people ask me 'But don't you feel better for it?' I know I don't. I don't feel any better because I can't do the things I used to, I can't go out, I can't be fun, I'm a shell of the person I used to be and I hate myself for it. I keep living in the past, obsessively looking through photos of me mashed out of mind and funnily enough, wishing I could go back to them moments. I can't see a way out and I can't see anything helping.
Not only that I find it impossible to physically relax because of a complete and total awareness of my heartbeat. I feel it everywhere and I'm obsessed. I constantly feel short of breath, on the verge of passing out, and my depth perception and field of vision has decreased to a tiny little pinhole. I'm so scared of dying and it makes me want to, ironically. I'm scared of losing my mind, losing myself and losing the people I love. I'm scared of being the guy everyone says 'He could've gone so far' or 'He used to be so confident, I don't know what happened.'
I've started counselling and I've been prescribed 20mg Citalopram which I haven't started taking yet as I'm scared of the 2-3 week downer period because of my suicidal thoughts, and the side effects. People keep telling me to find new hobbies but I have no idea what. People keep telling me to exercise but whenever I do anything physically taxing my heart feels like it's going to stop. I feel broken.
I just want to know if anyone, anywhere has gone through the same. I'm so sorry for the long post.
Thank you.