snarkosaurus
11-12-2014, 01:39 PM
I know intellectually that everyone matters and that this includes me. But all the same, I FEEL like I don't matter, except to the extent that I'm a bit player in some other more important person's life. I feel like my emotions are ultimately meaningless and like I shouldn't even really have feelings, because why should anything I experience be significant? It sounds extremely neurotic and melodramatic when you explicitly say that, and of course it is, but I can't shake the notion even though I know better. I'm embarrassed to be myself and to be so vulnerable, and I feel small and pathetic. I don't feel unlovable to EVERYONE, but I do feel that way to the people whose love or appreciation I want the most. I view certain other people as if they were the protagonists of their own stories and their thoughts and experiences and opinions mattered and were good and approve-able, whereas mine just exist and aren't worthy of anything other than the blanket compassion all humans deserve. I know I need to be able to relate to myself more positively before I just privately destroy myself emotionally, but I don't know how. It makes me cry when I think about how much I just want to feel lovable and competent and worthy, and how much I just don't measure up to that.