OmfgJaney
11-11-2014, 08:29 AM
It's true. I'm rarely anxious anymore. In fact, I feel mostly like my old self before my anxiety peaked. I went through about 1 year of crippling anxiety and 1 year of ebb and flow (episodic anxiety). I've always been a semi-anxious, over-sensitive and hyper-vigilant character.
However, an event triggered the worst anxiety of my life which sprouted into panic, ROCD, depression and thoughts of ending my life.
At the time, it felt like these awful feelings, thoughts and reactions would never go away and I'd be like that forever--like I'd never feel normal again.
You know how when you get sick, you forget what it feels like to be normal and it seems like the suffering will never end? It was like that.
Now when I look back at the temptation to kill myself, it seems so ridiculously stupid to think that I would have ended my life due to a temporary phase in my life.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," I read in my high school library years back. At the time, I agreed with it. But when you're in that mind-set of escaping the constant mind-torture and creeping thoughts, it feels almost comforting that suicide is an option.
I was having a pretty bad rough-patch in my long-term relationship with my boyfriend. That's how it started. That's what triggered my suffering.
After 5 years of dating, I found out he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone and I, being extremely immature at the time (I was 17), blew it out of proportion and started to become seriously paranoid. I spent almost all my time obsessing that he was cheating on me. I started to become extremely self-conscious and self-loathing, like I wasn't good enough. I built up a resentment towards him. My suspicion spiraled out of control and it was all I could focus on. It's actually pretty funny to look back on now because I realize how crazy all the false-accusations were but at the time they made perfect sense to my obsessed mind.
That went on for a while and I thought maybe I could leave him. All I did was argue with him. I started hanging out with another person and through my resentment, I loved the attention I was getting. Very hypocritical of me, right? Yes. I started hanging out with this person more than bothering with my boyfriend. This went on for about 2 months until the reality of it came crashing down. And that's when the crippling anxiety started.
I realized I had made a mistake, and while I wasn't going around having sex with this person, I did have a relationship with him which I was in denial about those couple of months. They started fighting over me (Twilight much?). I didn't love that person I was hanging out with. I used him for attention, distraction and control. I wanted my boyfriend back. I wanted us to be the way we used to be, but I felt that we never could because I was the cheater, not him. I was the real bad person. I was the filthy, selfish girl. That's what I felt like. I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn't believe what I had done. It was like I didn't think about what I was doing. I was motivated by revenge over nothing. It was so immature, so petty. I started obsessing over my relationship..."if I could do that, did I really love him? Was it right? Is there such thing as soul mates? I had always thought we were, why am I questioning it now? I shouldn't have doubts. If I have doubts, it means it's not right. Good couples aren't supposed to have these problems..." Etc etc etc. Over and over and over. Just little tiny thoughts, little tiny triggers (commercials, other couples, songs, etc.). Yes, I even started taking love-songs literally and thinking love was supposed to be like that. It was mental torture. Just constant intrusive thoughts, constant chatter. I became dissociated and didn't even feel like a human being. I had panic attacks where I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to be without him, but with all these 'signs' it means it's not meant to be. (Sounds SO stupid now). I just got into this extreme obsessive mind-set. I had to place things a certain way or we would be doomed. I had to clear my mind of a thought or we would be doomed (which we all know when you try not to think of a pink elephant, you do). I had to walk certain ways, drive certain ways, look at things multiple times, read things multiple times or we would be DOOMED. Constant fear, constant sick-to-my-stomach feeling. I ended up going to a doctor for some help.
I was prescribed Zoloft and Xanax. At first I was really worried that medication would end up making me feel nothing at all. I was desperate enough to try it, though. And that's when the crippling effects of my anxiety started to leave. It's when I would only have it in episodes of a few days to a week, and then I would be normal. Repeat. I was able to shrug off triggers easier. I was able to talk myself out of obsessive thoughts. When I did have an episode, it was intense and I felt like it would stay forever. I just continued living, continued my life, focused on other things.
Now I am HAPPY. I am happy in my relationship with my boyfriend (more than ever, really). The experience itself made us stronger. He was always there for me throughout no matter how much of a bitch I was. It made me realize that I was looking through brown-colored glasses. It made everything seem shitty. I have matured GREATLY though my experience and I'm actually GLAD it happened to me. I don't really know how it got THAT bad, but it all happened so slowly it was hard to see it coming.
Now I'm going to school in January and doing things to improve my life. We're together 9 years and I'd like to marry him. I don't take myself so seriously anymore nor my thoughts. I smile A LOT! I laugh A LOT! I love A LOT! Your anxiety really could be temporary. And when you look back, it'll seem so stupid and small.
YOLO, BITCHES!
However, an event triggered the worst anxiety of my life which sprouted into panic, ROCD, depression and thoughts of ending my life.
At the time, it felt like these awful feelings, thoughts and reactions would never go away and I'd be like that forever--like I'd never feel normal again.
You know how when you get sick, you forget what it feels like to be normal and it seems like the suffering will never end? It was like that.
Now when I look back at the temptation to kill myself, it seems so ridiculously stupid to think that I would have ended my life due to a temporary phase in my life.
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," I read in my high school library years back. At the time, I agreed with it. But when you're in that mind-set of escaping the constant mind-torture and creeping thoughts, it feels almost comforting that suicide is an option.
I was having a pretty bad rough-patch in my long-term relationship with my boyfriend. That's how it started. That's what triggered my suffering.
After 5 years of dating, I found out he had been talking to his ex-girlfriend on the phone and I, being extremely immature at the time (I was 17), blew it out of proportion and started to become seriously paranoid. I spent almost all my time obsessing that he was cheating on me. I started to become extremely self-conscious and self-loathing, like I wasn't good enough. I built up a resentment towards him. My suspicion spiraled out of control and it was all I could focus on. It's actually pretty funny to look back on now because I realize how crazy all the false-accusations were but at the time they made perfect sense to my obsessed mind.
That went on for a while and I thought maybe I could leave him. All I did was argue with him. I started hanging out with another person and through my resentment, I loved the attention I was getting. Very hypocritical of me, right? Yes. I started hanging out with this person more than bothering with my boyfriend. This went on for about 2 months until the reality of it came crashing down. And that's when the crippling anxiety started.
I realized I had made a mistake, and while I wasn't going around having sex with this person, I did have a relationship with him which I was in denial about those couple of months. They started fighting over me (Twilight much?). I didn't love that person I was hanging out with. I used him for attention, distraction and control. I wanted my boyfriend back. I wanted us to be the way we used to be, but I felt that we never could because I was the cheater, not him. I was the real bad person. I was the filthy, selfish girl. That's what I felt like. I realized how much I loved my boyfriend and I couldn't believe what I had done. It was like I didn't think about what I was doing. I was motivated by revenge over nothing. It was so immature, so petty. I started obsessing over my relationship..."if I could do that, did I really love him? Was it right? Is there such thing as soul mates? I had always thought we were, why am I questioning it now? I shouldn't have doubts. If I have doubts, it means it's not right. Good couples aren't supposed to have these problems..." Etc etc etc. Over and over and over. Just little tiny thoughts, little tiny triggers (commercials, other couples, songs, etc.). Yes, I even started taking love-songs literally and thinking love was supposed to be like that. It was mental torture. Just constant intrusive thoughts, constant chatter. I became dissociated and didn't even feel like a human being. I had panic attacks where I couldn't breathe. I didn't want to be without him, but with all these 'signs' it means it's not meant to be. (Sounds SO stupid now). I just got into this extreme obsessive mind-set. I had to place things a certain way or we would be doomed. I had to clear my mind of a thought or we would be doomed (which we all know when you try not to think of a pink elephant, you do). I had to walk certain ways, drive certain ways, look at things multiple times, read things multiple times or we would be DOOMED. Constant fear, constant sick-to-my-stomach feeling. I ended up going to a doctor for some help.
I was prescribed Zoloft and Xanax. At first I was really worried that medication would end up making me feel nothing at all. I was desperate enough to try it, though. And that's when the crippling effects of my anxiety started to leave. It's when I would only have it in episodes of a few days to a week, and then I would be normal. Repeat. I was able to shrug off triggers easier. I was able to talk myself out of obsessive thoughts. When I did have an episode, it was intense and I felt like it would stay forever. I just continued living, continued my life, focused on other things.
Now I am HAPPY. I am happy in my relationship with my boyfriend (more than ever, really). The experience itself made us stronger. He was always there for me throughout no matter how much of a bitch I was. It made me realize that I was looking through brown-colored glasses. It made everything seem shitty. I have matured GREATLY though my experience and I'm actually GLAD it happened to me. I don't really know how it got THAT bad, but it all happened so slowly it was hard to see it coming.
Now I'm going to school in January and doing things to improve my life. We're together 9 years and I'd like to marry him. I don't take myself so seriously anymore nor my thoughts. I smile A LOT! I laugh A LOT! I love A LOT! Your anxiety really could be temporary. And when you look back, it'll seem so stupid and small.
YOLO, BITCHES!