being miserable

[whymegod]

I do not even know where can I start. Pretty much my whole life has been a mess. Since I can remember I was always stuck in this human form, lazy eye (ptosis), overweight, always the perfect target for every kid on the block to make fun of. Moved from school to school five times due to my parents work and from a very early age I have acknowledge that they were unhappy with their lifes, as a kid I always considered myself smart still I do not have the grades I need to fulfill my dreamjob (become a doctor), pretty much everything I tried went wrong, I'm now eighteen, got rejected from crush to crush, and I'm actually speaking about big fat humiliating no's, feeling inferior to everyone for being ugly, fat, weird, dumb, whatever negative adjective you might know. what makes me even more sad is the fact that this is actually irrelevant I could be in a worse condition If i had cancer or something related or if i was paraplegic. I've always checkd your forums but only today I decided it was my time to register in order to try to put an end to this stupid suffering. I'm honestly trying, I want to be the best son my parents can have, I want to be the best friend anyone can have, I want to be absolutely flawless tho I know that is impossible and this will and is driving me nuts. My mom tried to commit suicide when I was 14 and I can remember she telling me it was my fault for not getting the grades to be someone, and despite the fact that I know this was something she didn't want to say directly and i couldnt do anything to make her stop (my dad made her throw up all the pills she had took just in time), well i know i was also related to that I was there, I am her son, we are a family, and we as a family failed, my father also tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago because they're getting divorced soon, I hear some outsiders saying that I am the most reasonable exceptional person they've ever met for trying to help my parents no matter what through this divorce thing but i know i could have prevented this if i just didn't push the trigger button for making them miserable from not having the grades I was supposed to, and yes I could have studied hard and get the grades but i just didn't put the necessary effort despite knowing it was needed to improve my happiness and my parents', I have recently turned 18 and went on a buddhist asylum trying to reset my mind, and even on that day with a shitload of meditation and stuff that was supposed to help me going through this on the way back home I had an argue with my mother because she thinks I hate her and I do not give her the credits she deserved because she always did everything she could for my happiness and i know that i am not being grateful. I have constant arrythmias I believe due to anxiety because after a lot of examinations my doctors say I am healthy (while I was writing this I had a few for exemple), and my love life, oh my love life, I fall in love with a girl and she says that no matter what I become or do in life we will never be in a relationship and I move on to the next relationship attempt failure, i believe i am going to my 9th failure attempt and i am not even counting on the shitload of crushes I have on girls i talk few times, it usually takes one year for me to trust someone, so in order to actually be into someone I need even more time, so yes I am young, i am overreating, i am just a bad son a bad student who tries everything and is nothing. great. awesome. dope. me. the current misantrope who wants to be a doctor at MSF (Doctors without borders). how convenient is that. I am trying to write a book I cant, I want to be healthy so I start to smoke (eventually managed to stop this bad habit), I want to relax so I don't do anything with my life which obviously brings stress. i dont have Money to seek psychological help or something related, i refuse to seek help at school because everybody treats me like shit there, and i can't talk to any of my relatives because they have their lifes and telling this to someone that actually knows me or my family would destroy what my family still have left. and honestly I just don't see anyone in this fórum Reading this and trying to help me, still i'm giving this a shot, because obviously this fórum must have worked for some people, i just need help. oh plus i dont have any friends, never had and i am uncapable of speaking to people due to being too shy/egocentric. I have eating disorders, I was anoretic during a few years so i dropped a lot of weight and eventually got a girlfriend, how ironic. i don't want pills neither to commit suicide neither alcohol neither anything related in order to be someone, i just want to be a regular smart kid who has good grades, has is girlfriend, is social and is friends with everyone. and i'll shut up now (this is the first time i am writting about this so sorry for being to extensive)

and also sorry for my bad english i am not a native.

[Scottyb79]

hey

you are not alone. I once had dreams and goals of being a lawyer but once my panic attacks started the dreams started fading away. I was also made fun of in school cause i never wore the cool clothes and did cause trouble like my other friends. While they got arrested and got criminal records I stayed home and had panic attacks. I just joined and I wanna make new friends and like you defeat my disease. I have tried for years to do therapy, but everything is crashing. But I do notes in my head to make the day worth while to fight the disease.
Where ya from?

[Im-Suffering]

Pay attention here, right now. I am a medium and this message wont be repeated, you probably will never hear it again. Anyone who feels as this OP does can relate and place themselves in his shoes. The following I have been given by the unseen, to help you on your journey:


I do not even know where can I start.

Start here :

i just want to be a regular smart kid who has good grades, has is girlfriend, is social and is friends with everyone.




Then be that.

Not what everyone expects you to be. Not what you should be. Not the martyr to save your moms life. Not the trophy for family or friends. Not the whipping post for blame and guilt.

It was not your fault, the suicide attempt. It was not your fault, the conditioning. It was not your fault, your parents bleak outlook. It was not your fault, the feelings of worthlessness. It was not your fault, your parents arguments. It was not your fault, the lies and false beliefs. It was not your fault, the fears and resentments.

What you feel is valid.

Time to become you, by believing you are unique, and believing it wasn't your fault.

Whymegod?

Because He wants you to find yourself. Your whole original post is prep work for becoming your dreams, for you must become acquainted intimately with the psychological workings of illness, and thus your life has been practice for the knowledge needed. Some use textbooks, Some live it. Making you compassionate and giving you a deeper understanding, you see. What you call a good bedside manner is developed through personal experience. So bless your life thus far, and let it go. Time to move on and get to work.

Lastly, if you want to be a doctor, then start at once to act think and speak as one. Begin to tell friends you will be a doctor, begin to tell family you will be a doctor. Begin to tell the mailman, the grocer, the teachers, the bullies, the gas station attendants, the air, the universe, the dreams, the clouds, the sky, begin to shout to the world your decision, and what you intend to be. Never look back, and burn all bridges to failure and low self worth, Begin at once to picture in your imagination your patients and how you will help them, begin at once to see your environment where you shall practice, begin at once to believe it is possible and never look back. Begin at once to heal every false belief in your original post and put behind all shame and blame, the obstacles so insidious to your accomplishments

Just begin, period. And thy God will show you the way. Your friends in the unseen celebrate every triumph, every step you make forward, for they see your probable future and the contributions you can make. But it is free will you see. And only your will can overcome and be the driving force here.

End of message.

[Robd]

'Be' is definitely a great keyword,

-be whoever you want to be, if you truly want to be a doctor then keep telling yourself you will be one and talk to a career guidance counsellor
-be normal, you don't have to have a girlfriend, loads of friends or be successful, you need to accept that you are a human being and that nobody is perfect and you're just as special as all of them people you look up to
-be positive, try to think of the good outcomes of a bad situation. This is something I struggle with but this is something CBT helps teach. Focusing on positive outcomes helps overcome fears to try need things

I've suffered from lots of mental disorders since I was about 16 after getting bullied on school and the biggest mistake I made was not talking to someone. It's only now, 8 years later that I realise how many people I had that would listen and I was too afraid to say anything.

Even one of my best friends who I'd known for over 4 years suffered from anxiety and depression the same as me but the both of us just bottled up our feelings. When we let it all out it was one of those 'thank god I'm not the only person like this' times.

Are you still in school at the minute?

[whymegod]

First of all thank you guys for the help. I guess life just is what it is, what happened has already occured and fortunately I cannot change what's already done, because this way I am capable of moving forward and not only to focus on the past. Of course this is easier to write then to do but hey me, guess that's just how life is.
What is harder for me do is to accept that it was not my fault my parents' situation, ok I understand I was younger, still am young so back then I didn't have the experience/maturity to act like a grown up, perhaps if I didn't behave as I did things were different now but that's just why life's marbeling. everyday is another day, a new start, I'm not even blaming god for my parents divorce, sometimes things must happen this way and I accept and even agree that their relationship is no longer healthy and must end. It's just that it's extremely hard to move forward without them. They always took care for me so I feel obligated to give my best in order to help them rebuild their lives. Back in 1996 my mother was supposed to give birth to twins, me and my brother, however I was the only one who survived so perhaps this is just me needing to make him, my brother, proud... I know for some people this seems awkward but I have a connection with him that even I cannot explain. I guess all i can do now is to regain my self confidence and once I achieve that goal I can then safely attempt to help them.
Once again, thank you very much for the support, and Scottyb79 I feel you man... I am from Portugal what about you? And also, Robd, yes I am in school and guess I'll give CBT a try... thank you.