Chains
11-06-2014, 07:26 AM
(Long post ahead. Sorry. And I'm sorry in advance if I sound like a drama queen, or am exaggerating anything. You have my word that I'm not exaggerating, but I do have a habit of making everything sound extremely emotional from writing poetry and short stories a fair bit. Although it's long winded, I hope you'll stick around till the end. Thanks)
After thinking about it good and hard for a while I think that I do have anxiety. And unfortunately, on the assumption that I do suffer from it, it's been getting progressively worse since it started near the beginning of the year. At first, it was just an aversion to dance practice and a general dislike for human interaction. But now it's a genuinely terrifying and petrifying fear of even meeting folks from my dance co-curricular activity (CCA) and seriously being scared of human beings.
It's funny, when I know that I have CCA sessions coming up soon, it's almost as if there's a huge cloud hanging over my head, or a giant black rock, and it literally weighs down on my mind and my emotions and thoughts and I'm just always sad, always stressed, always worried, always terrified and scared out of my mind. And as the days till dance get fewer and fewer, the cloud gets grayer and grayer and heavier and heavier and by the time it's the day before dance, I'm practically a walking bomb; I lash out at everything and everyone, lock myself up in my room, and am always on the verge of tears. the days before dance, I feel like I want to disappear, I want to die, I'd rather get a raging fever or break my leg than go to dance. I do stupid things like drop food on the ground then eat it in the hopes that I'll get food poisoning, or be extra-careless down the stairs in case I manage to trip myself up and tumble down.
And I have dance again tomorrow, and right now all I feel is light-headed and dizzy and terrified and horrified and scared and angry and sad and sad sad sad sad sad.
I won't say too much about my fear of humans, but since October I've taken to avoiding all social gatherings. I reject all invitations to parties or movies or anyone's houses, and I even got around to dreading school. School meant crossing the overhead bridge (making eye contact with lots of strangers), talking to classmates, waving hello to acquaintances in the hallways (my personal nightmare), and just human interaction everywhere. Days in which school combined itself with dance actually made me cry when I woke up in the morning. And when I talk to people I'm not familiar with now (which is almost everyone), my mouth actually spasms, as in my muscles just shake and tremble and jump around and i find myself unable to even articulate properly and the person just stares and stares and stares and eventually walks away. I don't order food at the canteen in school anymore either. In fact, I haven't stepped into the canteen since June, I think. There's just so, so so so many people there. huge crowds and scary things.
-
So one day I brought up anxiety to my mom, and she told me that "oh haha that's normal I was always anxious when I was your age, too." She tells me that she used to have anxiety, and so that's her reason for casually dismissing the words I spent days working up to say. After which she said to me, "what, do you want me to take you to a psychiatrist, then?" and she said psychiatrist in such a mocking, sarcastic manner that i couldn't find it in myself to say yes, yes I think I want to see a psychiatrist so I can sleep at night for once. I can't talk to anyone, not my parents (they don't appear to understand.), not my friends, not the school counselors, not anyone, really.
Because I 'faked being depressed and sad' throughout my 10th and 11th years (idiot me!), my friends are all extremely used to me 'acting sad' and 'whining and complaining', and no longer think that the words I say are of any importance. Not to mention, even my closest friends are of the sort that'd probably laugh and 'lol' at my confession.
And how do you put it, my parents, too, are reasonably accustomed to me and my 'tragic moods'. They've seen me sulking, whining, crying, moaning, and groaning all over stupid things like not being in the same class as my best friend or crush, and they also know that those times, it was just me being dramatic. So even if I were to tell them now, they'd just laugh and say I was just being dramatic, again. In fact, due to my younger self's foolish daily behavior I doubt anyone would suspect anything's wrong with me. to this day, nobody does. Even when I panicked at the frozen yogurt store and practically begged my friend to order for me, she just said "oh, sure" as if me not having the guts to face the person at the counter was perfectly normal.
Not to say that all counselors are like that, but the counselors in my school are just odd people. they're of the sort that believe you can choose to be happy, and they're cheesy and plastic and corny and fake and I really don't think anyone would ask them for advice on anything, not even goldfish care or anything of the sort.
I think I have problems, and I'd like to get help so I can stop feeling like jumping down the stairway every day, but there's nobody to talk to and no one I'm comfortable with and no way for me to help myself that I know of. Who could I talk to at this point?
助けてください。誰もわからないよ。
I feel like I'm drowning in mud and there's no one to call out to.
After thinking about it good and hard for a while I think that I do have anxiety. And unfortunately, on the assumption that I do suffer from it, it's been getting progressively worse since it started near the beginning of the year. At first, it was just an aversion to dance practice and a general dislike for human interaction. But now it's a genuinely terrifying and petrifying fear of even meeting folks from my dance co-curricular activity (CCA) and seriously being scared of human beings.
It's funny, when I know that I have CCA sessions coming up soon, it's almost as if there's a huge cloud hanging over my head, or a giant black rock, and it literally weighs down on my mind and my emotions and thoughts and I'm just always sad, always stressed, always worried, always terrified and scared out of my mind. And as the days till dance get fewer and fewer, the cloud gets grayer and grayer and heavier and heavier and by the time it's the day before dance, I'm practically a walking bomb; I lash out at everything and everyone, lock myself up in my room, and am always on the verge of tears. the days before dance, I feel like I want to disappear, I want to die, I'd rather get a raging fever or break my leg than go to dance. I do stupid things like drop food on the ground then eat it in the hopes that I'll get food poisoning, or be extra-careless down the stairs in case I manage to trip myself up and tumble down.
And I have dance again tomorrow, and right now all I feel is light-headed and dizzy and terrified and horrified and scared and angry and sad and sad sad sad sad sad.
I won't say too much about my fear of humans, but since October I've taken to avoiding all social gatherings. I reject all invitations to parties or movies or anyone's houses, and I even got around to dreading school. School meant crossing the overhead bridge (making eye contact with lots of strangers), talking to classmates, waving hello to acquaintances in the hallways (my personal nightmare), and just human interaction everywhere. Days in which school combined itself with dance actually made me cry when I woke up in the morning. And when I talk to people I'm not familiar with now (which is almost everyone), my mouth actually spasms, as in my muscles just shake and tremble and jump around and i find myself unable to even articulate properly and the person just stares and stares and stares and eventually walks away. I don't order food at the canteen in school anymore either. In fact, I haven't stepped into the canteen since June, I think. There's just so, so so so many people there. huge crowds and scary things.
-
So one day I brought up anxiety to my mom, and she told me that "oh haha that's normal I was always anxious when I was your age, too." She tells me that she used to have anxiety, and so that's her reason for casually dismissing the words I spent days working up to say. After which she said to me, "what, do you want me to take you to a psychiatrist, then?" and she said psychiatrist in such a mocking, sarcastic manner that i couldn't find it in myself to say yes, yes I think I want to see a psychiatrist so I can sleep at night for once. I can't talk to anyone, not my parents (they don't appear to understand.), not my friends, not the school counselors, not anyone, really.
Because I 'faked being depressed and sad' throughout my 10th and 11th years (idiot me!), my friends are all extremely used to me 'acting sad' and 'whining and complaining', and no longer think that the words I say are of any importance. Not to mention, even my closest friends are of the sort that'd probably laugh and 'lol' at my confession.
And how do you put it, my parents, too, are reasonably accustomed to me and my 'tragic moods'. They've seen me sulking, whining, crying, moaning, and groaning all over stupid things like not being in the same class as my best friend or crush, and they also know that those times, it was just me being dramatic. So even if I were to tell them now, they'd just laugh and say I was just being dramatic, again. In fact, due to my younger self's foolish daily behavior I doubt anyone would suspect anything's wrong with me. to this day, nobody does. Even when I panicked at the frozen yogurt store and practically begged my friend to order for me, she just said "oh, sure" as if me not having the guts to face the person at the counter was perfectly normal.
Not to say that all counselors are like that, but the counselors in my school are just odd people. they're of the sort that believe you can choose to be happy, and they're cheesy and plastic and corny and fake and I really don't think anyone would ask them for advice on anything, not even goldfish care or anything of the sort.
I think I have problems, and I'd like to get help so I can stop feeling like jumping down the stairway every day, but there's nobody to talk to and no one I'm comfortable with and no way for me to help myself that I know of. Who could I talk to at this point?
助けてください。誰もわからないよ。
I feel like I'm drowning in mud and there's no one to call out to.