awh2020
11-05-2014, 09:24 AM
I think I have an anxiety disorder.
I am a female, 22, recently graduated from college. My most recent bout of worry proceeds a one-night-stand I had about a week and a half ago.
I have only had sex with two men now, and both times I have convinced myself that I contracted herpes. I lost my virginity at 19 to my first serious boyfriend, who consistently lied. Anyhow, shortly after the first time, I noticed an irritation down south. I asked my boyfriend if he had been sexually active with anyone before me (I just assumed he hadn't because we both seemed clueless and awful at what we were doing). He told me he had in fact had sex with a girlfriend when he was younger. I panicked, searched the internet, and convinced myself that I had herpes, even though there were no visible sores. I cried, couldn't sleep for days, couldn't breathe, couldn't focus on anything nor take my mind of the possibility of herpes (no other stds concerned me). I continuously checked for signs of symptoms and irritated the area even more, but also grew more certain that I had a disease. When I was finally able to see a doctor, she told me that if I had herpes it would feel like I was sitting on glass (which it didn't) and she gave me an std screening. Since herpes can only be tested if there are open sores, I paid for an expensive blood test-it was the only thing that would ease my worries. When the test results came in, I found that I had a bacterial infection (likely from the obsessive checking for symptoms) and I tested negative for every STD. Months later I found out that my boyfriend had lied; he was a virgin when we had sex-I should say that this relationship really did a number on my mental health.
Sad to say I stuck with that boyfriend for three years. I was always stressed, always thought he was forming elaborate lies. When I finally decided to end the relationship, I felt sick-little sleep, no eating for days, digestive problems, pounding heart, sweating, etc. But soon I felt better than I've felt in a long time. A guy whom I've been friends with for a lot time asked me on a date and we have steadily begun talking more, though we haven't talked about exclusivity.
So a few weekends ago I went to a party with a friend. The girl who invited us lived with her brother-I didn't realize until after he introduced himself that he was an acquaintance I had met a long time ago and we had mutual friends. He was nice and attractive, and because I was newly single and drunk and having fun, I ended up fooling around with him. He wanted to have sex and I immediately remembered how fearful I was of herpes. I told him he had to use a condom and asked how many girls he had been with (he said he'd been with four, the last one was a long-term relationship of 3 years as well, and he had never had std symptoms). So I did have sex with him, only to find the condom broke or came off at some point. I slept for a little bit, but once I was sober I started panicking. I thought about the guy friend I'd gone on a date with-even though we hadn't had our second date yet and weren't exclusive in any way-but most of all I felt dirty and guilty for having casual sex with a near stranger. And I was sure that I'd contracted an std. The next morning he was nice enough to give me a ride home. When I got in his car he had cough drops and cold medicine in his passenger's seat and told me he was getting over a cold. We exchanged numbers out of politeness and that was the end of it.
But every day since I had sex with him I have not stopped worrying about herpes. I kept researching, looking for symptoms and thus irritating myself, feeling panicky and on edge, having a racing heart, visualizing myself being diagnosed by the doctor, thinking every little bump or groove down there is a sign. Then, a few days ago, I started getting a sore throat. And since I'd read that swollen lymph nodes are a sign of herpes, I was convinced. I texted the guy and asked him again, sober, if he was sure he had no stds. He said he had never had a single symptom, but reminded me that he did have a cold, and told me he wasn't worried at all. But I convinced myself, because I've read that herpes cases pass with no symptoms, or maybe he was having flu-like symptoms that accompany herpes but no outbreak. Or maybe the virus is laying dormant in him and he was shedding it without knowing it. Or maybe his symptoms were so mild he never even realized he had it. I told a friend about my worries and she told me that I'm being ridiculous-if neither him nor his ex-girlfriend had symptoms for 3 years, if he reassured me that I didn't need to worry, if he admitted that he had a cold, I should not be worried. But then I asked, what if he's just lying? And she said, "Not everyone is your asshole ex-boyfriend, and I hate him for making you this way." She said she thinks I have an anxiety disorder, especially because I had the exact same reaction the first time I had sex. And because my worry is excessive. When I tested in school, awaited grades, tackled large assignments, experienced relationship problems, etc., I always had these similar symptoms: obsessive thinking, pounding heart, difficulty breathing, sweating, difficulty concentrating, chest pains, and sometimes trembling.
I do have my annual with my gyno soon, so I'm going to do an std screening (seems responsible), but if she doesn't see it as necessary, I'm not paying for a herpes blood test. I'm trying to be rational by reminding myself he is fairly certain he's clean, he did have a cold, and I don't see anything or feel anything abnormal on my body. But I'm wondering if maybe I should see a doctor about my anxiety. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I'm sorry this post is so long, but I have been feeling so worried and I thought it might calm me down to talk about my fears. Also, I'll not be having sex again until I'm in a serious, committed relationship. I learned my lesson, it was a huge mistake. Thanks for any replies, they really will help.
I am a female, 22, recently graduated from college. My most recent bout of worry proceeds a one-night-stand I had about a week and a half ago.
I have only had sex with two men now, and both times I have convinced myself that I contracted herpes. I lost my virginity at 19 to my first serious boyfriend, who consistently lied. Anyhow, shortly after the first time, I noticed an irritation down south. I asked my boyfriend if he had been sexually active with anyone before me (I just assumed he hadn't because we both seemed clueless and awful at what we were doing). He told me he had in fact had sex with a girlfriend when he was younger. I panicked, searched the internet, and convinced myself that I had herpes, even though there were no visible sores. I cried, couldn't sleep for days, couldn't breathe, couldn't focus on anything nor take my mind of the possibility of herpes (no other stds concerned me). I continuously checked for signs of symptoms and irritated the area even more, but also grew more certain that I had a disease. When I was finally able to see a doctor, she told me that if I had herpes it would feel like I was sitting on glass (which it didn't) and she gave me an std screening. Since herpes can only be tested if there are open sores, I paid for an expensive blood test-it was the only thing that would ease my worries. When the test results came in, I found that I had a bacterial infection (likely from the obsessive checking for symptoms) and I tested negative for every STD. Months later I found out that my boyfriend had lied; he was a virgin when we had sex-I should say that this relationship really did a number on my mental health.
Sad to say I stuck with that boyfriend for three years. I was always stressed, always thought he was forming elaborate lies. When I finally decided to end the relationship, I felt sick-little sleep, no eating for days, digestive problems, pounding heart, sweating, etc. But soon I felt better than I've felt in a long time. A guy whom I've been friends with for a lot time asked me on a date and we have steadily begun talking more, though we haven't talked about exclusivity.
So a few weekends ago I went to a party with a friend. The girl who invited us lived with her brother-I didn't realize until after he introduced himself that he was an acquaintance I had met a long time ago and we had mutual friends. He was nice and attractive, and because I was newly single and drunk and having fun, I ended up fooling around with him. He wanted to have sex and I immediately remembered how fearful I was of herpes. I told him he had to use a condom and asked how many girls he had been with (he said he'd been with four, the last one was a long-term relationship of 3 years as well, and he had never had std symptoms). So I did have sex with him, only to find the condom broke or came off at some point. I slept for a little bit, but once I was sober I started panicking. I thought about the guy friend I'd gone on a date with-even though we hadn't had our second date yet and weren't exclusive in any way-but most of all I felt dirty and guilty for having casual sex with a near stranger. And I was sure that I'd contracted an std. The next morning he was nice enough to give me a ride home. When I got in his car he had cough drops and cold medicine in his passenger's seat and told me he was getting over a cold. We exchanged numbers out of politeness and that was the end of it.
But every day since I had sex with him I have not stopped worrying about herpes. I kept researching, looking for symptoms and thus irritating myself, feeling panicky and on edge, having a racing heart, visualizing myself being diagnosed by the doctor, thinking every little bump or groove down there is a sign. Then, a few days ago, I started getting a sore throat. And since I'd read that swollen lymph nodes are a sign of herpes, I was convinced. I texted the guy and asked him again, sober, if he was sure he had no stds. He said he had never had a single symptom, but reminded me that he did have a cold, and told me he wasn't worried at all. But I convinced myself, because I've read that herpes cases pass with no symptoms, or maybe he was having flu-like symptoms that accompany herpes but no outbreak. Or maybe the virus is laying dormant in him and he was shedding it without knowing it. Or maybe his symptoms were so mild he never even realized he had it. I told a friend about my worries and she told me that I'm being ridiculous-if neither him nor his ex-girlfriend had symptoms for 3 years, if he reassured me that I didn't need to worry, if he admitted that he had a cold, I should not be worried. But then I asked, what if he's just lying? And she said, "Not everyone is your asshole ex-boyfriend, and I hate him for making you this way." She said she thinks I have an anxiety disorder, especially because I had the exact same reaction the first time I had sex. And because my worry is excessive. When I tested in school, awaited grades, tackled large assignments, experienced relationship problems, etc., I always had these similar symptoms: obsessive thinking, pounding heart, difficulty breathing, sweating, difficulty concentrating, chest pains, and sometimes trembling.
I do have my annual with my gyno soon, so I'm going to do an std screening (seems responsible), but if she doesn't see it as necessary, I'm not paying for a herpes blood test. I'm trying to be rational by reminding myself he is fairly certain he's clean, he did have a cold, and I don't see anything or feel anything abnormal on my body. But I'm wondering if maybe I should see a doctor about my anxiety. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? I'm sorry this post is so long, but I have been feeling so worried and I thought it might calm me down to talk about my fears. Also, I'll not be having sex again until I'm in a serious, committed relationship. I learned my lesson, it was a huge mistake. Thanks for any replies, they really will help.