I just need to say something

[Frooby]

(I'm a 17 year old girl, I've been depressed for a long time, and struggle with undiagnosed anxiety/something).
I'm just going to try and keep this short, else I begin to stop making sense.
I've always struggled with forming relationships, I don't know why. I've never had anyone close enough to confide in, even family, I just seem to keep things behind some impenetrable wall in my mind. I really want to be able to make close friends, and it has slowly made me more and more depressed. I can't tell whether I'm afraid of people, if I just can't express myself/open up or both.

A lot of the time I'm better at talking to just one person at a time, I seem to struggle more when it's two or more, I don't know why that would be. I just allow them to talk amongst myself and add nothing, just fade into the background. Because I struggle to make friends, I have little to no contact with real people outside of college. Although, I have friends online, who I've recently began to Skype with(voice only). We don't speak about personal things, just play games together.
I can talk to one of them very confidently, but with the other friend I just... go quiet if he's in the call and I can't make myself say anything unless I'm spoken to.
The first guy confided in me recently about the death of a parent a couple of years ago... I assumed that means he trusts me a bit, I'm still unsure.
But now I feel like I annoy him by not speaking with the other guy around, I feel boring compared to him and I feel unwanted in the calls, as if I'm only invited because they don't want me to be upset.

It's just eating away at me inside the fact that I just.. can't talk, and I'm on edge.
I over think once they leave, and feel completely crap and hate myself... and then I remember that it's only its an online friendship... which only makes me feel even more stupid... and hate myself for expecting so much. Then it's fine when I speak to them the next day... it's a vicious cycle.

I don't know what to do with anything, I feel pathetic because I can't even talk to people online, let alone in person... I can't see it improving, I don't know how.

I don't seem to be able to naturally express emotions, I feel emotions, I just can't express. If I find something funny, I can't seem to laugh, and if I'm upset with someone I can't show it.

I'm unsure of what I even expect to get out of writing this thread, and I apologise if it doesn't make sense.
Just leave any advice/whatever you like... observations... opinions. But either way I hope to feel a bit better for posting about this no matter how small it is.
Can anxiety be stronger when it comes to talking to more than one person?

Thanks for reading :)

[Ryker]

Hi, and welcome,

Well, for someone who struggles to communicate you don't struggle too much! That was an excellent picture of where you're at and what's bothering you.

Yes, the more people you're talking to, the harder it gets. We talk of a 'conversational dance' when you're talking to someone. You say something and the other person has to make a good guess of the context of your words and make a reply. Your words, like dance steps guide those of your partner and vice versa.

In a group it becomes very complicated and often stressful..

Practice and confidence are what's needed I think. The more dance steps you learn the easier it will be to improvise.

I don't talk much. I don't like to but get me on a topic I'm interested in and I might not shut up.

I know it's uncomfortable but it's just practice. Maybe join a local evening class or something where you can find strangers to practice on. Practice in shops, anywhere you can.

Smile, and try to make eye contact. You'll find you can do it I'm sure.

R.