willheal
11-01-2014, 07:10 AM
It's been a couple months since I've come to these forums. I kinda notice a pattern. every time a medical professional suggests something might be wrong with me, I end up with the most debilitating, complex ailments that vanish or change by the day/hour. I have a little narrative to share.
I've been having really bad nerve pain. And sleep issues. Stuff I've dealt with for years but it comes and goes (just like anxiety). But it's more complex than that, you know the drill. It's not "normal" sleep stuff. Or "normal" nerve pain.
I met with the intake person at my psychologist the other day. It was my first psych appointment in maybe 10 years. She picks up on something I say and says "have you seen a neurologist? It sounds like you probably have a neurological issue." Well of course, no, that part of the medical system has not been able to wring me dry just yet. Maybe I should make an appointment? Nope, guess it wasn't that important; I go home empty handed.
2 days later without thinking I'm looking up wikipedia articles on partial seizures. Oh yeah, my cousin has those.
No, let's be reasonable here. The bad back is probably from muscle tension (anxiety). The nerve pain is probably a pinched nerve (also from anxiety). And the sleep problems are also some 1,000 completely rational issues ALL relating to anxiety.
My feet tap while I read about spine spurs and cancers and epilepsy. I told you how my cousin has epilepsy right? Maybe that time I woke up and couldn't remember anything for 5 minutes was because I had a seizure. Wait well, I mean, that kind of seizure is usually caused by trauma or a tumor or something. It's not the kind my cousin had. No way! I don't have that. (Oh crap sorry, I said I'd spare you the details.)
Tap tap tap.
Nah I don't have that. And look, I'm not anxious after reading about it! I just ruled everything entirely out.
Or maybe not. I look at a couple more things, knowing full well I'm giving my mind more subconscious fodder.
My anxiety symptoms adapt slightly over the next couple of days (I THINK). My perception of everything shifts just so.
I've completely, totally have this disease. (Just like I have had EVERY OTHER DISEASE, I'VE EVER HAD?) NO, THIS IS REAL AND I'M 100% SURE I HAVE IT. HOLY HELL WHAT DO I TELL PEOPLE. WHO DO I SEE?
I feel vindicated, relieved. I finally figured out what was wrong with me. I don't know how long I have left but I need to spend my time well. I start preparing a mental will in my head. I try to be extra nice to people I know, you know, just in case. I want them to not be mad at me now that I know how this story ends. I wake up, my back hurts more than ever and I lament at how it's getting worse.
Let me check. Yep, yes I feel it when I move a certain way; absolutely, I'm still dying.
...
Fear has only been the outcome of these cycles for me. Back when I had simple fears I could just go to a doctor and rule them out. But now the real disease is digging deeper into my mind. I can't just go to the doctor anymore. I'd need to spend days and weeks in a hospital ruling out stuff with diagnostic procedures. Even though I'm writing this with a level of self-awareness I am still mostly convinced of a neurological issue, and I don't know whether to go to the hospital. (All because of one sentence the intake doctor said.)
Of course it's worth the relief of getting that clean bill of health (yes, there's really nothing quite like that feeling.) But maybe next time it will be something even more rare. Something that needs much more invasive testing. Much more time away from my family. Time that could be spent enjoying life, or building a legacy for myself--something that I desperately want to do because I feel like I need to at least have that in the end.
I'm just really, really scared.
I've been having really bad nerve pain. And sleep issues. Stuff I've dealt with for years but it comes and goes (just like anxiety). But it's more complex than that, you know the drill. It's not "normal" sleep stuff. Or "normal" nerve pain.
I met with the intake person at my psychologist the other day. It was my first psych appointment in maybe 10 years. She picks up on something I say and says "have you seen a neurologist? It sounds like you probably have a neurological issue." Well of course, no, that part of the medical system has not been able to wring me dry just yet. Maybe I should make an appointment? Nope, guess it wasn't that important; I go home empty handed.
2 days later without thinking I'm looking up wikipedia articles on partial seizures. Oh yeah, my cousin has those.
No, let's be reasonable here. The bad back is probably from muscle tension (anxiety). The nerve pain is probably a pinched nerve (also from anxiety). And the sleep problems are also some 1,000 completely rational issues ALL relating to anxiety.
My feet tap while I read about spine spurs and cancers and epilepsy. I told you how my cousin has epilepsy right? Maybe that time I woke up and couldn't remember anything for 5 minutes was because I had a seizure. Wait well, I mean, that kind of seizure is usually caused by trauma or a tumor or something. It's not the kind my cousin had. No way! I don't have that. (Oh crap sorry, I said I'd spare you the details.)
Tap tap tap.
Nah I don't have that. And look, I'm not anxious after reading about it! I just ruled everything entirely out.
Or maybe not. I look at a couple more things, knowing full well I'm giving my mind more subconscious fodder.
My anxiety symptoms adapt slightly over the next couple of days (I THINK). My perception of everything shifts just so.
I've completely, totally have this disease. (Just like I have had EVERY OTHER DISEASE, I'VE EVER HAD?) NO, THIS IS REAL AND I'M 100% SURE I HAVE IT. HOLY HELL WHAT DO I TELL PEOPLE. WHO DO I SEE?
I feel vindicated, relieved. I finally figured out what was wrong with me. I don't know how long I have left but I need to spend my time well. I start preparing a mental will in my head. I try to be extra nice to people I know, you know, just in case. I want them to not be mad at me now that I know how this story ends. I wake up, my back hurts more than ever and I lament at how it's getting worse.
Let me check. Yep, yes I feel it when I move a certain way; absolutely, I'm still dying.
...
Fear has only been the outcome of these cycles for me. Back when I had simple fears I could just go to a doctor and rule them out. But now the real disease is digging deeper into my mind. I can't just go to the doctor anymore. I'd need to spend days and weeks in a hospital ruling out stuff with diagnostic procedures. Even though I'm writing this with a level of self-awareness I am still mostly convinced of a neurological issue, and I don't know whether to go to the hospital. (All because of one sentence the intake doctor said.)
Of course it's worth the relief of getting that clean bill of health (yes, there's really nothing quite like that feeling.) But maybe next time it will be something even more rare. Something that needs much more invasive testing. Much more time away from my family. Time that could be spent enjoying life, or building a legacy for myself--something that I desperately want to do because I feel like I need to at least have that in the end.
I'm just really, really scared.