Massive existential anxiety DP/DR, Help much appreciated!!!

[anxiousWolf]

Hi
This is a bit long so please stay with me...

I'm going to start off by giving some background information. I used to smoke marijuana for 2 years, as a daily chronic smoker I never experienced much anxiety from it besides the ocassional paranoid thought patterns, which I quickly recognized and put aside. But lately, I've been having these weird thoughts about what life is, and because I read an article about the "holographic universe" I freaked out at the possibility of us being in a hologram. So my anxiety slightly arose, but again nothing to worry about.

When suddenly, I smoked a couple of joints at a party, and this tremendous flow of fearful thoughts got the best of me. Instead of saying woah that's weird, and moving on as I used to do in the past. This time it was full blown, weird thought after weird thought all questioning the very foundations of reality. Still no big deal as I love philosophy and have read a lot of articles concerning the meaning of life. But then out of the blue, I see some guys and somehow (I'll spare you the irrational details) I thought they killed me. Yes I thought I died and have gone to Hell! And all of these repressed anxious thoughts made me believe I really died somewhere along the road. I thought this is hell, not blazing fires and damnation, simply a mental torture that feels eternal, like it will never end.
I was still acting 'normal' and responsive to friends and other people but in myself I couldn't get rid of this hideous anxious shockwave flowing through my body.

The day after I felt like sh*t! I wanted to live and forget, but these thoughts of me having died were extremely scary and intrusive, it also left me wondering wether I permanently altered my brain somehow.
A week later, I smoked again with some friends. And that joint (also my last) left me wondering, why I am me and not someone else. A question I really regret asking myself, this resulted in a second anxiety attack with full blown Derealization/Depersonalization.
And now two months later the anxiety has cornered me. I can't find a way out of this. It's as if I'm stuck with life because of the anxiety, I can't enjoy it anymore like I used to no matter how hard I try and I must question everything. But the worst of all is the DP/DR where I feel like a game that's stuck in an infinite loop. I look at my computer screen, gaming, and suddenly these existential thoughts pop up, and I know that a DP will be eminent. I can't describe how bad the DP feels like, but I can tell you it's the worst, and no human being deserves this...

Now I'm left wondering, WHY am I, what's the point, ... These thoughts scare the crap out of me. Because they make everything feel unreal and extremely weird (absurd, incomprehensible, dreamlike). I never thought of suicide as I used to love life way too much, but the anxiety made me think of stuff I didn't know I was even capable of thinking and it left me wondering wether suicide is the only way out. But then again I'm terrified of dying and my existence simply vanishing that I wouldn't even consider suicide.
the DP sometimes makes me feel as if my existence is going to be whiped off, rolled up like a scroll and gone am I. These thoughts also contribute heavily to the anxiety :(

Lastly: are there pills for curing anxiety this big? And will it permanently heal my anxiety?

THANKS for reading
If there's anything you can say to help me or just share your story, ANYTHING to make me feel a little bit more comfortable, as I'm on edge over these absurd issues all the time lately.... It would be MUCH appreciated!!!!

Peace

[anxiousWolf]

Nobody? Thought I'd get more answers than on Yahoo Q/A, bummer!

[Exactice]

Hey Anxious, sorry its Halloween in the States so it might be difficult to get a response quick. Anyways, just to comment, I can say I have suffered a little of the de-realization and depersonalization. But not at the extant that you feel. Yes these are effects from the panic and anxiety. In addition this is actually something people strive for when they are under the influences of drugs. So it may have associations with Marijuana.

As for cure, not really, there is just working on skills to make sense of everything and taking it day by day to deprogram the negative thoughts you have in your head.

I will say I have been struggling yet again. My anxiety has come back somewhat full circle, the difference is the intensity. It is no where near as bad as it was but it still annoying and sometimes debilitating! I am much stronger than I was before but it still takes work to get past the feelings!

Hang in there and if you need to see a doctor that is a good step to healing. Talk to a Therapist to teach you about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Training).

Good luck and take it easy!

[Ryker]

what can anyone say?

Does drugs, wonders why it's hard to find reality....

To reach any sort of balance you need an internal view of the world that's as closely aligned a possible with the realities of the world around you. Anything else is bound to throw you into a constant state of cognitive dissonance. That causes stress, which you can escape by self medicating until you melt down. Or you can expect that stress to emerge as an undesirable symptom like anxiety or intrusive thoughts.

Or, you can spend a bit of time dancing in the discotheque of reality until you feel a bit better.

R.