greeneyes
10-24-2014, 11:09 AM
I need help I need peace of mind.. This has been really bothering me. This past Saturday, I went to a friend's house for a Halloween party. I went with my parents cause they're friends with my friends' parents. I am a 20 year old female and at the time I was taking 50mg of zoloft (now upped to 100mg). I started drinking around 8, and I didn't know then I couldn't drink with my medication. Anyway, from the start of the night I drank two glasses of wine, three regular bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade, and 2 regular bottles smirnoff ice. from 8 to maybe around 1. I remember (I think) the entire night which with my weight of around 165 my bac would be like .012-.014%? I remember getting their, talking to people, trying to take selfies for some reason, and I remember going to the bathroom and falling lol. According to my parents, I was very happy and coherent. I remember texting my gf and I actually had perfect grammar. But I also remember going to bed. This is where it starts... I had a sexual thought about one of my good guy friends which really scared me. I remember thinking, "if I had the opportunity would I?" and then I thought "No way. that's gross." I went to the bathroom (this is where I fell) and I thought "How could I have this thought? He's like my brother!" and also, I need to point out, that I am gay. I was completely disgusted by this thought because I am in no way attracted to him. I remember laying down on the floor in front of my friend's fireplace. A bunch of us stayed the night, most people slept on this big couch. My friend I had thoughts about I think slept in between the couch and the foot rest on the floor and I was about maybe 2 feet away near the fire place. I think I was the first one to fall asleep cause I don't remember anyone else asleep before me. I even remember while I was laying in front of the fire my friend who hosted turned it off and I was disappointed cause I picked that spot because it was warm lol.
Anyway... I wake up the next morning, around 5am, everyone is still asleep. I had a terrible headache and I felt a little nauseous. I was still having bad anxiety about the thought I had the night before. I went to the kitchen for a couple of small glasses of water then I went to the restroom. After using the restroom I vomited a few times in the toilet. When I went back to lay down, my friend who I had the thoughts about had stolen my spot and blanket and I wanted to avoid him as much as possible so I just didn't go back to bed. Around 7 I called my dad to pick me up and he did. I went to bed again in my own bed and slept for a few hours.
Upon waking again in the early afternoon I began to have anxiety about "how could I think this thought about my friend? I didn't really want to, did I? No of course not. Oh my god, I have a girlfriend. I thought about cheating on my girlfriend?! No. No it was just a thought... but what if it wasn't?" you know, that thing people with anxiety disorders do. Eventually it had me so bad, that I started having suicidal thoughts. My dad took me to a mental health and substance abuse services facility Sunday night. That night I slept in the crisis place, where people who are suicidal stay. Then that next afternoon, they took me to csu, the crisis stabilization unit. This wasn't my first time in crisis or csu, I had been there for about 6 days 2 months ago. So this wasn't my first go round.
They upped my dose of zoloft from 50mg to 100mg and I started feeling rational and thinking rational. I thought "well, I didn't know I couldn't drink while on zoloft, and the alcohol makes me more anxious and turned the thought I normally would brush off into something bigger. No big deal." But of course, those infamous 'what if' scenarios started to creep into my head. My first thought was "What if I had actually done something with him and I don't remember?" and I started thinking "oh my gosh I'm a terrible person I'm a cheater! I don't deserve to have my gf" well after obsessing about that you know my mom talked to two of my friends at the party and don't remember me saying or doing anything and there was no supporting evidence of that so I started feeling better about that.
AND THEN I started thinking "BUT what if I did something like touched him inappropriately while he was sleeping and I didn't remember?" this is the most ridiculous of them all and I know that, but my mind is cruel and has a way of basically almost convincing me I did. And I thought "oh my gosh, I'm not just a terrible person, I'm a monster! I basically raped someone! How could I do that?!" Even if it's all in my head. And like... He had a little to drink but not as much as I me I don't think. And he would wake up if I supposedly "tried something" wouldn't he? And if I remember going to sleep what's the likely hood of me getting up and not remembering? I'm just so worried cause I don't drink alcohol a lot that was the first time I ever drank that much plus being on the zoloft I don't know what I could do I could have done anything! I don't feel physically anxious really anymore cause of the zoloft but it won't leave my mind.. I don't want to lose my friends or my girlfriend please help. It's probably all in my mind but I just need to let this out there and have opinions from other anxiety sufferers. I mean, the people at csu helped but their main focus was depression and my main problem is anxiety and didn't really help with the anxiety aspect. I'd really appreciate some feedback, thanks.
Anyway... I wake up the next morning, around 5am, everyone is still asleep. I had a terrible headache and I felt a little nauseous. I was still having bad anxiety about the thought I had the night before. I went to the kitchen for a couple of small glasses of water then I went to the restroom. After using the restroom I vomited a few times in the toilet. When I went back to lay down, my friend who I had the thoughts about had stolen my spot and blanket and I wanted to avoid him as much as possible so I just didn't go back to bed. Around 7 I called my dad to pick me up and he did. I went to bed again in my own bed and slept for a few hours.
Upon waking again in the early afternoon I began to have anxiety about "how could I think this thought about my friend? I didn't really want to, did I? No of course not. Oh my god, I have a girlfriend. I thought about cheating on my girlfriend?! No. No it was just a thought... but what if it wasn't?" you know, that thing people with anxiety disorders do. Eventually it had me so bad, that I started having suicidal thoughts. My dad took me to a mental health and substance abuse services facility Sunday night. That night I slept in the crisis place, where people who are suicidal stay. Then that next afternoon, they took me to csu, the crisis stabilization unit. This wasn't my first time in crisis or csu, I had been there for about 6 days 2 months ago. So this wasn't my first go round.
They upped my dose of zoloft from 50mg to 100mg and I started feeling rational and thinking rational. I thought "well, I didn't know I couldn't drink while on zoloft, and the alcohol makes me more anxious and turned the thought I normally would brush off into something bigger. No big deal." But of course, those infamous 'what if' scenarios started to creep into my head. My first thought was "What if I had actually done something with him and I don't remember?" and I started thinking "oh my gosh I'm a terrible person I'm a cheater! I don't deserve to have my gf" well after obsessing about that you know my mom talked to two of my friends at the party and don't remember me saying or doing anything and there was no supporting evidence of that so I started feeling better about that.
AND THEN I started thinking "BUT what if I did something like touched him inappropriately while he was sleeping and I didn't remember?" this is the most ridiculous of them all and I know that, but my mind is cruel and has a way of basically almost convincing me I did. And I thought "oh my gosh, I'm not just a terrible person, I'm a monster! I basically raped someone! How could I do that?!" Even if it's all in my head. And like... He had a little to drink but not as much as I me I don't think. And he would wake up if I supposedly "tried something" wouldn't he? And if I remember going to sleep what's the likely hood of me getting up and not remembering? I'm just so worried cause I don't drink alcohol a lot that was the first time I ever drank that much plus being on the zoloft I don't know what I could do I could have done anything! I don't feel physically anxious really anymore cause of the zoloft but it won't leave my mind.. I don't want to lose my friends or my girlfriend please help. It's probably all in my mind but I just need to let this out there and have opinions from other anxiety sufferers. I mean, the people at csu helped but their main focus was depression and my main problem is anxiety and didn't really help with the anxiety aspect. I'd really appreciate some feedback, thanks.