Help with fiance anxiety.. what can I do?

[MaryT]

Hi

If anyone can help me, this would be much appreciated, I really don't know what to do. I have suggested counselling but my fiance has turned me down.. here is the issue, if ANYONE can help or refer me to sites this would help me a lot..

Anyway, my fiance and I have been together for over 5 years. When we first moved in together (about 4 years ago..) i noticed something was not quite right. He was always very security conscious and worried about my personal security (he always always worried about me getting run over by a car, cars seem to be one of him main worries, he can't drive). I assumed it was a mild form of OCD (checking security, gas hobs etc..) but it never really affected our lives, so this is not why I am worried. Anyway, one night he had a particularly bad day at work, and all I could hear (I was in bed) was banging downstairs.. Turns out when he feels that people are being mean to him, he bangs walls. He started off banging his head, but now thankfully we managed to get him off that and banging his fists.
I honestly thought the problem was under control.. stupid me.. he was quite good at hiding it.. Anyway, I found some very graphic porn websites on his laptop, so I confronted him about it (I don't mind men watching porn, but the general theme was female submission and violence, which I don't like). That's when it all came out.. He had never stopped banging (even though he repeatedly told me he had) goes into a small room (our small toilet for guests) and bangs away.. He does this a few times a day, always after he gets a thought in his head about someone being mean to him (he has just left a job where one of his bosses shouted at him, and he can't forget about that), but he may also start thinking about incidents years ago when someone treated him unfairly. He looks at this porn, not because allegedly he enjoys it, but because it makes him forget about things.. Over the years the images have got worse, to what they are now.
He also said that he has never been fully happy, and this coupled with the OCD is making him always miserable. Luckily, there are no suicidal thoughs..

Any ideas?

[electric*eyes]

A few years ago, I was really depressed and used cutting as a release. My boyfriend, family, and friends obviously found out and didn't approve of it. However, they never really offered any alternative ways to get my anger out. Eventually, I grew out of it and started facing my problems in alternative ways. I think thats what your fiance needs as well. I don't know much about banging but maybe together you two can work out a plan of something he can do rather than resorting to his usual habit. The first thing he definitely needs to start doing is being more open with you. I know that it must be difficult for him because he definitely won't want you to stop him from banging (since that's his only known release). If he's doing it because he's frustrated and angry, then I'd highly suggest working out. I have a bad temper, which basically gets filtered into stress all day, and when I get home some days I just want to cry...and sometimes even want to cut again. But for the past 6 months I've been working out 4x a week and it is seriously the most healing natural method I've ever used. He could start by going for a long walk every night or something, but I find that more aggressive work-outs are more beneficial (like lifting weights or resistance training). And just remember, the first week is always the hardest...but it's so worth it!! Hope this helps! :)

[MaryT]

Hi Brit

Thank you very much for your advice, especially the one about working out. We have been going to the gym, and it really seems to help when we go there. We are taking each day as it comes, and although the banging is still there, I think it is less than what it once was. I am calling him every hour just to make sure everything is OK.

Thanks again, I hope all is well with you too!

Mary