Anxiety relapse and panic attacks, feel like I'm losing it.

[Andrewk_]

This is my first post here and I'm just looking for support and a way through this again. Ive struggled with anxiety off and on since I was about 18. My first real bad panic attack was in a high school classroom from what I remember, but I had been anxious before that through previous experiences in my life such as starting middle school and things like that to the point of where I wanted to be homeschooled. Eventually I saw a doctor and started on a medication called pristiq, not sure if anyone on here uses it but it's a anti depressant serotonin inhibitor used for anxiety as well.
Im 23 now with a good job, an associate degree, and a promising career. I've been in a relationship the last two years that has had its ups and downs but the entire time we've been dating I was fine and didn't have attacks until recently. About 7 months ago I reached a point that after being on this medication again for about 2 years I felt I was stable and able to get along without it. In the past I've went off of it twice now and after about 5-6 months I have a life event that seems to send me spiraling back down into deep depression and anxiety.
Ok, so I've been off of pristiq about 7 months again and I start to feel down and lose interest in things, I'm an auto mechanic that loves cars and built a car over the last year that's my pride and joy. I start to feel less loved by my gf as well. I end up selling my car and then my gf and I get into a fight break up and don't talk for a whole week, keep in mind we've been an on and off couple so I figured a apology would fix it and we would be back together. Wrong, this time she wants nothing to do with me and after a month of little talking and me driving myself into a deep depression here I am again. My first attack after being off my meds this time was about 3 months ago, so about 4 months after being off the meds. I was driving to work and it just hit me like a bus, i couldnt breathe and it felt like I was going to pass out. I already knew what it was but for the past two years I had been fine. Fast forward to now after the break up, I sit in my room thinking the worst things and how to move on with my life at this point after being with someone two years and now I'm stuck in my parents basement feeling lost as ever. I thought I had it all figured out and now I'm at square one. I have attacks trying to figure out what I want next in life and where I'm going. My doctor tells me I'm having a quarter life crisis. Eventually we talked and we are working on things and we hang out all the time but now my anxiety is back full force. I obsessed for the longest time over her and getting her back and now that we are okay again I've started to obsess over my thoughts.
I don't feel like myself at all, I feel like I'm on auto pilot and my life isn't my own. Nothing feels right and social situations are the worst. I can be talking to someone and be thinking about how it doesn't feel like me talking. I have these crazy constant thoughts that im losing my mind and I'll never be ok again. I feel so detached from reality and my life at this point. I used to look forward to things and coming home to take a nap and now my mind is a constant mess of thoughts and worry. I'm scared of my bed, taking a shower, and the car ride to work is a wreck everyday. I constantly feel like I'm livinhg in my head with all these thoughts and that I'm just watching my life pass me by and thay I'm not in control. I sleep a few hours a night and every morning I barely make it out of bed. I'm close to losing my job because I can't get out of the house. I seriously feel like I'm losing it and idk how to get myself back, everyday feels like a struggle and I've started having attacks about it because I know tomorrow will be the same. I used to be happy and feel like a normal person and enjoy life. Idk why this continues to happen to me, I just want my life back. When I start to think positive I end up having attacks again and start freakinh out trying to figure out why I've been feeling/thinking this way for the last month or so. I hope someone takes the time to read this and can relate or help me out. Thanks everyone.

[boltsoros]

Andrew,

I know exactly how you feel.....your post sounds almost exactly like my life; I am a little older, and have been dealing with this a little bit longer than you; however, your situation sounds spot on to mine. I have been an anxiety, panic, depression sufferer for some time now; I also have been an on-again, off-again user of the meds. My drug of choice is Lexapro. I am not a big fan of meds and only take them until I feel better. A few years ago I had a bad spell with anxiety and it put me into a tailspin for a couple of months. After getting back on Lexapro and seeing a few counselors, my life straightened out, almost to the point where I thought I had this disorder beat and I would never deal with it again. Fast forward to January of 2014 and I get hit like a Mack truck out of nowhere............I felt worse than I had ever felt; I really didn't know if I would climb out of the hole. I tried Lexapro and Wellbutrin for this anxiety trip. I eventually started to feel a little better around mid April and went most of the Summer feeling better.........not 100%, but better. I again got off the meds and BANG, I am feeling like crap again now. I immediately started counseling again today and went to my doctor for Lexapro. I am never sure whether the meds are helpful or not; I have gotten through these episodes without meds before, but before it gets really rough, I thought I would try them again. I have the same symptoms that you do.............I feel like I am losing my mind, I feel so detached from reality. I am so in tune with myself that I also feel like I'm living in my head.....it is so weird; I know it is just a symptom of anxiety, but it hangs on to you long after an anxiety attack. Even if I start to feel a little better, this whole detached from reality thing lingers. I say all of this to let you know that you are definitely not alone............I just want to find a way to manage anxiety, to understand how to live a normal, happy life with it. I am still learning, reading, and scouring information on how to do just that. I may try meditation if I can figure out exactly how to do it, if nothing else than to slow my mind down. The only thing that keeps me sane is the absolute reality that you are not going crazy!! It is only anxiety!! Remember the way you feel is not who you are; your thoughts and the way you react to those thoughts are what is making you feel the way you do. I know all of this yet struggle the same as you.....don't feel alone; all of us on here are feeling how you feel, and contrary to what you might believe, your symptoms are not worse than anyone else's, even though it may feel that way. God Bless...............we are all struggling and learning with you.

[Andrewk_]

Thanks for the quick response, pristiq says 6-8 for full effects. It's been maybe 4 tops, I'm just praying it works again this time. I've never felt this bad before but this is also the longest I've been off it since I started taking it. I also don't enjoy taking medication and that was my original reason for going off of it. Just like you I thought I had it beat this time, I might have been ok had the break up not happened but I ruined myself over that and drug myself down. But now I'm a wreck, the way you feel sounds how I do and it's scary. That's the hardest part, knowing the past couple years I didn't feel like this scares me into thinking something really is wrong with me. It's hard to stay positive when the thoughts never stop, I used to be happy and do things I enjoy. Now I'm scared to leave the house. I'm glad im not alone but I just want to feel alive again

[ab8489]

I think I am in the same boat. I'm 34 now but have suffered with on again, off again anxiety since I was 22. I have been on several meds. They seem to work well for a year or two and then I have to increase the dose or switch. My biggest symptom is the living in my own head thing you described. Like I can't keep my mind from snapping back to complete consciousness of what I am thinking or doing. I just want to be able to focus on what I'm doing without "checking in" constantly. Does that makes sense? Good luck with everything and it feels better to know that others know what I'm talking about!

[Andrewk_]

Thanks for the response, I see more and more people feel the way I do but most days it's overwheleming. Getting out of bed and getting going is the hardest part. I don't sleep well and havent had a sound night of rest in a long time now. I'll sleep for s few hours and then wake up and fall asleep for an hour or so at s time checking my phone until it's time to get up for work. Which has become s task everyday. I feel alright through the night until it's time to get up, that's when the panic and anxiety set in, I could easily call in everyday if I wanted and lose my job and I fear that will happen. I feel like all the progress I make through the day to get better is lost every night when I fall asleep cause I wake up and start over everyday. This sucks.