RelationshipAnxietySucks
10-13-2014, 12:24 PM
A couple of years ago. When I was a sophomore in college. I fell in love harder than I ever had before. I was on cloud 9. I never felt like I wanted to leave the bedroom, I wanted to just love this person, and be on this cloud forever. I started to feel anxiety very early on in the relationship, and began to feel detached from this boyfriend. I felt myself weening off from him. And then I got pregnant. I had an abortion and then after the abortion it seemed like things just got worse and worse. Finally I couldn't bear to be around him because the anxiety was so terrible. Being around him made me physically feel ill. I would obsess over "Do i love him?" I would ask myself that question hundreds of times a day and I would hit a brick wall. I would ask him to kiss me once, and I wouldn't feel anything, and then I would ask him to do it again to see If I would have a different response. I was a nervous wreck, and didn't know what was happening to me. And i convinced myself that i needed to be away from him to feel relief. Which was true. Being away from him actually did give me relief, but it didn't take away the pain. The pain came from the fact that this feeling of happiness that I had with him felt like it was ripped away from me without reason. This was 4 years ago. He tried to win me back, and get back together with me, he even moved to my city. But the way i associated him with anxiety and panic and danger never truly went away. And as much as it broke my heart, and as many therapists as I went to to try and sort it out. It never went away. It was one of the most traumatizing times in my life. Feeling like I had no control over my conscious decisions.
Flash forward to now, a few other meaningless relationships later. ( I should add that I'm in a really stressful time in my life, I'm 23, and don't have a real job, and am an actor who's scared of auditioning. I have been off of prozac for 2 months. I have had depression since I was 18. On and off. And I usually am unhappy over something almost all the time). I meet a guy that I knew when we were kids. He was my first childhood boy obsession. When we re-met I wasn't exactly expecting us to get together. But it just happened. We started dating. We sort of just fell into it. And it was amazing at first, but the honeymoon period didn't last for long. I realized that my deamons came back to haunt me. He fell in love with me pretty quickly. And a part of me wanted to take it slower than he did. But like I said- I fell into it. I did fall in love with him. But it wasn't easy. And because of my anxiety i start to question everything about my relationship. Do I really love him, why am I in this, should I try again with my ex, what is the real problem here, am I creating problems. He is a wonderful guy. An actually wonderful guy. An honest, real person. My ex wasn't that great of a guy, but I put him on a pedestal and made him great in my head because I loved him . But this guy is different- he's actually great. He's good to me, and he treats me well, and he works with my anxiety and sorts through it with me. When I'm depressed and don't want to get out of bed, he makes me. He tries his hardest to lift my spirits and help me through it. But I feel so selfish- and I guess thats what anxiety does to people. It's like- It doesn't matter what he does or how hard he tries- nothing will ever beat the feeling that I feel like nothing will ever make me happy. I don't know if this is anxiety- or if this is just the nature of where I am in my life. But I know- that its unfair to him. He says to me that I should just worry about myself and that he will always be fine. But i know thats not fair.
I barely have a sex drive, and when I do its like 3 day spurts of just wanting to be fucked. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to touch him. The problem is that I DO love him . I look at him and I see him and I love him- but I'm completely at a loss. At this point i feel like I should just break up with him because there obviously has to be something wrong. And I think that maybe if i'm single or just by myself I will feel more motivated about life because I won't have someone holding my hand. And then other times I think thats just the stupidest think I could ever think. I'm young i'm 23- I know that if I am single it'll be easier to have a sex drive because i won't care about the guy's i'm having sex with.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to cognitive behavioral therapy. But I just feel like my mind is my trap. Or maybe my mind isn't my trap and I should just get out of my relationship- even though theres nothing really wrong with my relationship.
Am i just perpetually unhappy?
Flash forward to now, a few other meaningless relationships later. ( I should add that I'm in a really stressful time in my life, I'm 23, and don't have a real job, and am an actor who's scared of auditioning. I have been off of prozac for 2 months. I have had depression since I was 18. On and off. And I usually am unhappy over something almost all the time). I meet a guy that I knew when we were kids. He was my first childhood boy obsession. When we re-met I wasn't exactly expecting us to get together. But it just happened. We started dating. We sort of just fell into it. And it was amazing at first, but the honeymoon period didn't last for long. I realized that my deamons came back to haunt me. He fell in love with me pretty quickly. And a part of me wanted to take it slower than he did. But like I said- I fell into it. I did fall in love with him. But it wasn't easy. And because of my anxiety i start to question everything about my relationship. Do I really love him, why am I in this, should I try again with my ex, what is the real problem here, am I creating problems. He is a wonderful guy. An actually wonderful guy. An honest, real person. My ex wasn't that great of a guy, but I put him on a pedestal and made him great in my head because I loved him . But this guy is different- he's actually great. He's good to me, and he treats me well, and he works with my anxiety and sorts through it with me. When I'm depressed and don't want to get out of bed, he makes me. He tries his hardest to lift my spirits and help me through it. But I feel so selfish- and I guess thats what anxiety does to people. It's like- It doesn't matter what he does or how hard he tries- nothing will ever beat the feeling that I feel like nothing will ever make me happy. I don't know if this is anxiety- or if this is just the nature of where I am in my life. But I know- that its unfair to him. He says to me that I should just worry about myself and that he will always be fine. But i know thats not fair.
I barely have a sex drive, and when I do its like 3 day spurts of just wanting to be fucked. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to touch him. The problem is that I DO love him . I look at him and I see him and I love him- but I'm completely at a loss. At this point i feel like I should just break up with him because there obviously has to be something wrong. And I think that maybe if i'm single or just by myself I will feel more motivated about life because I won't have someone holding my hand. And then other times I think thats just the stupidest think I could ever think. I'm young i'm 23- I know that if I am single it'll be easier to have a sex drive because i won't care about the guy's i'm having sex with.
I don't know what to do. I'm going to cognitive behavioral therapy. But I just feel like my mind is my trap. Or maybe my mind isn't my trap and I should just get out of my relationship- even though theres nothing really wrong with my relationship.
Am i just perpetually unhappy?