Obsessive thinking about self

[JustaGal]

Can anybody relate?

I obsessively analyze in my head asking myself what is wrong with me?! I have an inner dialogue that does not stop particularly since my most resent decent into the dark side last July. For example I am playing cards tonight with people. I get a negative thought, and there goes the cycle. It goes something like this in my head.
“Will this negative thinking and feeling ever go away?”
“what made me like this – why am I so anxious all the time?”
“is it from my child hood?” on and on and on…..

It is like a compulsive self-analysis and painful. I am usually light hearted and pretty funny. Now I feel like I am stuck in a major emotional rut. Meds have helped tremendously.

[FrederickMorone]

I once had so many inner conversations in my head, it was scary. I can relate, OC girl. I remember when I was 19, I told my mom I needed medication because I had a voice in my head that wouldn't stop talking to me. That wasn't fun, being treated as though I was schizophrenic. She got the wrong idea. :)

I've always found anxiety comes from being too involved with what's going on inside. Because of the little 'click' that happens during a meltdown, we become too introspective. Thoughts, sensations, feelings - we focus on them a lot more. More than we did when we were healthy.

Strangely, I've never met an introspective person that was truly happy.

I mean, think about your own life. Think about your happiest moments. Were you sat alone, thinking deeply about something trivial or were you laughing like crazy not really paying attention to anything happening inside of you?

You can train yourself to look outwards again, and in doing so, you'll become happier. When I had breathing OCD, I'd follow my breathing religiously, morning, noon and night. One day I realized I'd spent most of my life focusing on what was going on inside me, and not outside me. And that actually, I was really f*ckin' miserable. Realizing that no good comes from being introspective is probably the first point in becoming peaceful again. Involving yourself with thought patterns, sensations, feelings - will stop you from being peaceful. What virtually everybody on this forum wants is to walk along the street again, focusing on life, like they used to, and not their problem.

To do that, start looking out. Make a commitment to break the habit of looking in. It's hard at first, especially if you've done this a while. But you'll get there. Whenever you find yourself wrapped up in what's going on inside, pause, realize what you're doing is fruitless, and pay attention to something outside. Anything you want.

Little by little you can break a habit that keeps you miserable.

[JustaGal]

I once had so many inner conversations in my head, it was scary. I can relate, OC girl. I remember when I was 19, I told my mum I needed medication because I had a voice in my head that wouldn't stop talking to me. That wasn't fun, being treated as though I was schizophrenic. She got the wrong idea. :)

I've always found anxiety comes from being too involved with what's going on inside. Because of the little 'click' that happens during a meltdown, we become too introspective. Thoughts, sensations, feelings - we focus on them a lot more. More than we did when we were healthy.

Strangely, I've never met an introspective person that was truly happy.

I mean, think about your own life. Think about your happiest moments. Were you sat alone, thinking deeply about something trivial or were you laughing like crazy not really paying attention to anything happening inside of you?

You can train yourself to look outwards again, and in doing so, you'll become happier. When I had breathing OCD, I'd follow my breathing religiously, morning, noon and night. One day I realized I'd spent most of my life focusing on what was going on inside me, and not outside me. And that actually, I was really f*ckin' miserable. Realizing that no good comes from being introspective is probably the first point in becoming peaceful again. Involving yourself with thought patterns, sensations, feelings - will stop you from being peaceful. What virtually everybody on this forum wants is to walk along the street again, focusing on life, like they used to, and not their problem.

To do that, start looking out. Make a commitment to break the habit of looking in. It's hard at first, especially if you've done this a while. But you'll get there. Whenever you find yourself wrapped up in what's going on inside, pause, realize what you're doing is fruitless, and pay attention to something outside. Anything you want.

Little by little you can break a habit that keeps you miserable.

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. It does keep me miserable. It is fruitless. How did you break the breathing OCD? When you had the realizations you mentioned?

[J Michael]

i know exactly what you're going through. your mind just doesnt shut the hell up, it can get quite overwhelming and in my case, it took over my life. for the better part of the past two years, at best, i was in a neutral mood. i never felt like talking to people, like doing anything because my mind had me in a perpetual, self-sustaining darkness. prior to this, i had an event take place that destroyed me, mentally. in order to recover, i had to become aware of myself, my surroundings, every potential outcome of every possible situation so as to understand myself, how i would react, and to make the "right" decisions to protect myself from anything that could further damage my mind. i started avoiding things like going out with friends, making new friends, chasing girls, getting my driver's license, eating fast food, drinking alcohol, etc because my overthinking and over analysis of e v e r y t h i n g essentially turned the world into one big death trap.

not that long ago began to realize that what i was doing was hurting me. i was incapable of living in the present. i was constantly, constantly worried about "what if". i was very unhappy. so i said f*ck it. if having precaution is doing this to me then i dont want it anymore. i saw apathy as the answer and so i just stopped feeling things. i was only going through the motions.. i was on autopilot as some might say. at this point, i have trouble relating to people. i want to feel again but i've been indifferent for so long that im just not used to having strong emotions about anything. i try to fake it, like maybe ill convince myself that im well again if i keep it up long enough but its not working. i can pretend as much as i want but it doesnt really change anything.

i guess i dont have a 'bright side' to offer or any kind of solution for you but my advice is to just be careful with how you deal with this.

[Im-Suffering]

prior to this, i had an event take place that destroyed me, mentally

Talk about this..

[J Michael]

almost two years ago, in my final semester of college i was met with a teacher who managed to mercilessly drop the entire world on my head in the span of only 3 weeks. i was 19 years old, still a child, mentally. to have a person whom i perceived as an intelligent man, a figure of authority and a man highly respected in his field, tell me that i am not ready, i am not a man, the work that i thought would help my employability was laughably worthless.. was just earth shattering. 19 f*cking years of building myself up were just flushed down the toilet. he triggered a mental process in me that over the course of the next couple years would end the world as i knew it.

i was faced with such massive revelations about myself, my future, and society as a whole that the sheer gravity of these revelations (rational or not) completely changed virtually every aspect of myself and my life. a total overhaul of my life priorities ensued. everything that was not directly related to improving the shattered vision of my future just seemed so insignificant by comparison. living in the present became extraordinarily difficult. for example just having a simple conversation with another person was and still is nearly impossible for me.

the full story is on my post "Existential Crisis, Apathy Maybe" (sorry i cant post a link).

[JustaGal]

i know exactly what you're going through. your mind just doesnt shut the hell up, it can get quite overwhelming and in my case, it took over my life. for the better part of the past two years, at best, i was in a neutral mood. i never felt like talking to people, like doing anything because my mind had me in a perpetual, self-sustaining darkness. prior to this, i had an event take place that destroyed me, mentally. in order to recover, i had to become aware of myself, my surroundings, every potential outcome of every possible situation so as to understand myself, how i would react, and to make the "right" decisions to protect myself from anything that could further damage my mind. i started avoiding things like going out with friends, making new friends, chasing girls, getting my driver's license, eating fast food, drinking alcohol, etc because my overthinking and over analysis of e v e r y t h i n g essentially turned the world into one big death trap.

not that long ago began to realize that what i was doing was hurting me. i was incapable of living in the present. i was constantly, constantly worried about "what if". i was very unhappy. so i said f*ck it. if having precaution is doing this to me then i dont want it anymore. i saw apathy as the answer and so i just stopped feeling things. i was only going through the motions.. i was on autopilot as some might say. at this point, i have trouble relating to people. i want to feel again but i've been indifferent for so long that im just not used to having strong emotions about anything. i try to fake it, like maybe ill convince myself that im well again if i keep it up long enough but its not working. i can pretend as much as i want but it doesnt really change anything.

i guess i dont have a 'bright side' to offer or any kind of solution for you but my advice is to just be careful with how you deal with this.

Thank you - yes its sucks. I worry about "what if's" too. One way I am dealing with it is to excercise again, it may not be the all in all, but I think it will be a big help with moods etc...
I am sorry about the event that happened to you.....I am going to read your apathy post again

[Im-Suffering]

the full story is on my post "Existential Crisis, Apathy Maybe" (sorry i cant post a link).

I was curious as to what could, in your words "destroy" a human "mentally". Very descriptive and dramatic, but in truth you were not destroyed. Hurt, surprised, shock, insulted, and so forth, but not "destroyed", "ruined"..who in your family taught you to speak in terms of life with such flare for overdramatic emphasis on negatives. Someone of influence growing up. "OMG this will surely be the end of me !"

Picture a home where the living room separates the front and back door. A great wind comes along and blows open the front door, but at the same time blows shut the back door. Because of the way the hinges were built. Frantically you feel trapped as you pull push and bang on that dam back door. Nothing you do gets you out of there, the door won't budge, thus you shout to the heavens "my home is destroyed and I shall surely be buried under it"...by some miracle you about face and notice the open front door and calmly walk out greeted by friends. See if you had slammed through the back door you would have fell in a gigantic hole and hurt yourself.

The back door is symbolic of dreams you were having where options are closed off to you, where you envision your life to be over, meaningless because you couldn't slam open that shut door. How ever the metaphor is one in which you simply turn and walk the other way, well, that was the way meant for you all along. Instead of destroyed, you are born again. The professor symbolizes the obstruction.

Such is the case to make for a positive outlook no matter what you encounter in life, period. Even in the darkest times that outlook will find you the crack of light to follow.

And the truth shall set you free. Hold thy head up, and walk tall and strong into your destiny. Even if it appears differently than you imagined, or foreign.

[J Michael]

i guess the true meaning of the word "destroy" is subjective. i chose to use it because i felt it best represented how i felt. and when i say it, i dont use it lightly. i truly felt destroyed. i was 19 years old and i was regressing to my childish self. i felt worthless and broke down in front of my family on multiple occasions and even once at a family get together. i just could not contain myself. i was going through prolonged panic and non-stop anxiety. four months of this unbearable stress reduced me to a robot. i dont know why i reacted the way i did but i did and i dont know why i put so much value into what this man told me but i did. i thought that in order to become an adult, i would have to completely change everything about myself. i felt like if i could not achieve that then that's it for me you might as well just kill me now because i will always be a burden to everyone in my life. and that thought scared the hell out of me.

im sure you know this feeling: when you were young and you did something that you know was wrong and your parents find out and want to talk to you about it? that feeling of dread that hits you right in your chest and you feel your heart sink because you're afraid of the consequences? i was having that feeling with every breath i took for months on end and im having it right now as i write this response. in hindsight, it may have been an overreaction but that doesnt change the fact that it happened. and i was successful in changing myself i did grow from the experience and i became a better man but if i had the choice to go through it again, i would not. i would have dropped out of the school.

[Joe.]

My advise: Change your physiology to change your beliefs, then because of that feelings. 'Fake it 'till you make it', right?
Watch some speeches by Tony Robbins, that will help you.

I can relate to your second paragraph so much, they was a time, a few months back, where I PHYSICALLY dreaded everything.

take care
i guess the true meaning of the word "destroy" is subjective. i chose to use it because i felt it best represented how i felt. and when i say it, i dont use it lightly. i truly felt destroyed. i was 19 years old and i was regressing to my childish self. i felt worthless and broke down in front of my family on multiple occasions and even once at a family get together. i just could not contain myself. i was going through prolonged panic and non-stop anxiety. four months of this unbearable stress reduced me to a robot. i dont know why i reacted the way i did but i did and i dont know why i put so much value into what this man told me but i did. i thought that in order to become an adult, i would have to completely change everything about myself. i felt like if i could not achieve that then that's it for me you might as well just kill me now because i will always be a burden to everyone in my life. and that thought scared the hell out of me.

im sure you know this feeling: when you were young and you did something that you know was wrong and your parents find out and want to talk to you about it? that feeling of dread that hits you right in your chest and you feel your heart sink because you're afraid of the consequences? i was having that feeling with every breath i took for months on end and im having it right now as i write this response. in hindsight, it may have been an overreaction but that doesnt change the fact that it happened. and i was successful in changing myself i did grow from the experience and i became a better man but if i had the choice to go through it again, i would not. i would have dropped out of the school.

[Im-Suffering]

i dont know why i put so much value into what this man told me but i did.

What happened?

[J Michael]

the teacher of one of my final semester courses was ruthless with how he instructed his students. he already had a reputation of being very difficult/strict/etc and rumours about him had been floating around since the previous semester. he had helped one of our teachers with mock interviews and managed to make two students cry (i was in the room at the same time and witnessed it all).

so before the first class even started, my classmates and i were already uneasy. within the first 3 classes, he told us our portfolios are worthless, we needed to know about certain laws or our work could get us in trouble (which we had no knowledge of in the previous semesters), we needed to purchase thousands of dollars worth of professional software in order to get our work done or passing would not be possible, we would need to pay out of our own pockets to get permission from businesses, the government, individuals, even the pope (for one student) in order to use images of them and their property. he was constantly condescending on his students/belittling/putting them down telling us we need to "grow up" if we are to make it in the real world, he kept referring to one of my friends as a "little girl" ffs. oh and he also claimed that his course was not a course, it WAS the real world and forgiveness was non-existent in his class. he made it a requirement for every one of his students to get approval for projects through meetings with him during his office hours which, by the way, when we did the math, found out it literally wasnt even possible for him to meet with every one of us within the duration of the semester (the number of students he taught outweighed the number of office hours he had in the entire semester). there's more but its been a long time, i cant recall everything.

personally i had no prior experience in the real world so naturally i took everything that this man said to be the truth and wholly believed that his class was an accurate representation of what i was to expect when i finished school.

after the third class (and my third nervous breakdown) i decided that this cant be allowed to go on. it cant be possible that a teacher could be allowed to make his students feel this way. there were even other teachers who were verbal about how they didnt agree with this teacher's behaviour. so i wrote a letter and presented it to the coordinator of the program who then told me to get as many people to put their names on it as i could (kind of like a petition). i got nearly 40 students.. i put their names on the letter and it was sent to the dean who then held a series of meetings with a group of students, including myself and meetings with the teacher. this went on for a large portion of the semester and remained the dominant thought on my mind for four months. i was constantly worried about the outcome of this whole thing; would the teacher lose his job, take me to court, fail me, would i be able to graduate, will i ever be inclined to drop out? it drove me crazy, i couldnt focus on anything, i was scared to even go to class. but thankfully it worked out in our favour. we ended up missing a lot of work because of the lack of office hours and limited class time due to the teacher missing classes to meet with the dean. but we were free, it was not our fault, it turned out that he was giving us incorrect information and what he was doing was against the school's policy. we got graded on the work that we had completed. i passed and graduated. it was finally over

nearly one year later, a friend who failed the class and had to retake it told me the teacher changed he was exhibiting the behaviours of a regular teacher. it may have worked out but for me, the damage was done. i've had head problems ever since then.

[Im-Suffering]

the teacher of one of my final semester courses was ruthless with how he instructed his students. he already had a reputation of being very difficult/strict/etc and rumours about him had been floating around since the previous semester. he had helped one of our teachers with mock interviews and managed to make two students cry (i was in the room at the same time and witnessed it all).

so before the first class even started, my classmates and i were already uneasy. within the first 3 classes, he told us our portfolios are worthless, we needed to know about certain laws or our work could get us in trouble (which we had no knowledge of in the previous semesters), we needed to purchase thousands of dollars worth of professional software in order to get our work done or passing would not be possible, we would need to pay out of our own pockets to get permission from businesses, the government, individuals, even the pope (for one student) in order to use images of them and their property. he was constantly condescending on his students/belittling/putting them down telling us we need to "grow up" if we are to make it in the real world, he kept referring to one of my friends as a "little girl" ffs. oh and he also claimed that his course was not a course, it WAS the real world and forgiveness was non-existent in his class. he made it a requirement for every one of his students to get approval for projects through meetings with him during his office hours which, by the way, when we did the math, found out it literally wasnt even possible for him to meet with every one of us within the duration of the semester (the number of students he taught outweighed the number of office hours he had in the entire semester). there's more but its been a long time, i cant recall everything.

personally i had no prior experience in the real world so naturally i took everything that this man said to be the truth and wholly believed that his class was an accurate representation of what i was to expect when i finished school.

after the third class (and my third nervous breakdown) i decided that this cant be allowed to go on. it cant be possible that a teacher could be allowed to make his students feel this way. there were even other teachers who were verbal about how they didnt agree with this teacher's behaviour. so i wrote a letter and presented it to the coordinator of the program who then told me to get as many people to put their names on it as i could (kind of like a petition). i got nearly 40 students.. i put their names on the letter and it was sent to the dean who then held a series of meetings with a group of students, including myself and meetings with the teacher. this went on for a large portion of the semester and remained the dominant thought on my mind for four months. i was constantly worried about the outcome of this whole thing; would the teacher lose his job, take me to court, fail me, would i be able to graduate, will i ever be inclined to drop out? it drove me crazy, i couldnt focus on anything, i was scared to even go to class. but thankfully it worked out in our favour. we ended up missing a lot of work because of the lack of office hours and limited class time due to the teacher missing classes to meet with the dean. but we were free, it was not our fault, it turned out that he was giving us incorrect information and what he was doing was against the school's policy. we got graded on the work that we had completed. i passed and graduated. it was finally over

nearly one year later, a friend who failed the class and had to retake it told me the teacher changed he was exhibiting the behaviours of a regular teacher. it may have worked out but for me, the damage was done. i've had head problems ever since then.

I'm proud of you, even though we don't know each other. You were the catalyst for great change and had the courage even among fear to work toward a peaceful resolution.

The founding fathers of America had a similar problem in gathering to sign the declaration of independence. Would they be killed? They were mocked, lied to, cast out, spat upon, criticized, bullied and each had a form of anxiety as you do/did. The same bravery used to free colonies you used to free your peers and yourself, and I assure you the tyranny was the same whether it be from England or a professor.

I am so proud of you, you are an excellent man. Life will be full of challenges to solve and these skills will benefit you, just be you, true to who you are. Men in your position have gone on to do great things in the world, from the lessons they learned at a young age.

The perspective is important here. Do you see it as positive, a growth experience learning courage, confidence, value, self worth, integrity..or do you just see yourself as an abused victim.

I warn you, each perspective has a probable future attached to it, you better choose wisely.

How you answer that last statement is paramount in setting the tone for the rest of your life. Your at the proverbial crossroads, how will the psyche proceed. Your job, career, your confidence, your relationships, your family life, your future wife, your finances, your self worth, your dress, your manner, your love, your value, your contributions all hang in the balance. Plus much more.

End /

[Two One]

I do this all the time. Every time I have time to myself, which is quite often, as I'm rather antisocial due to my anxiety I find myself analyzing how I've actually had this coming for a long time. Every step that I have taken, everything I have done since my junior year of high school and all of my actions and thoughts have led up to my downfall.

[JustaGal]

I do this all the time. Every time I have time to myself, which is quite often, as I'm rather antisocial due to my anxiety I find myself analyzing how I've actually had this coming for a long time. Every step that I have taken, everything I have done since my junior year of high school and all of my actions and thoughts have led up to my downfall.

Ya, it seems time alone to think to much is a problem. I know it is for me. Ugh...

[J Michael]

im very grateful for your responses during the past few days, you've really helped me to see this thing in a new, more positive way.

[JustaGal]

im very grateful for your responses during the past few days, you've really helped me to see this thing in a new, more positive way.

Who are you responding too?

[J Michael]

Who are you responding too?

Oh this was to "Im-Suffering". And to you JustaGal, I apologize, I kind of took over your thread here :/

[JustaGal]

Oh this was to "Im-Suffering". And to you JustaGal, I apologize, I kind of took over your thread here :/

No problem, I am glad you are finding encouragement!