Existential Crisis, Apathy Maybe

[J Michael]

almost two years ago, in my final semester of college i was met with a teacher who managed to mercilessly drop the entire world on my head in the span of only 3 weeks. i was 19 years old, still a child, mentally. to have a person whom i perceived as an intelligent man, a figure of authority and a man highly respected in his field, tell me that i am not ready, i am not a man, the work that i thought would help my employability was laughably worthless.. was just earth shattering. 19 f*cking years of building myself up were just flushed down the toilet. he triggered a mental process in me that over the course of the next couple years would end the world as i knew it.

i was faced with such massive revelations about myself, my future, and society as a whole that the sheer gravity of these revelations (rational or not) completely changed virtually every aspect of myself and my life. a total overhaul of my life priorities ensued. everything that was not directly related to improving the shattered vision of my future just seemed so insignificant by comparison. living in the present became extraordinarily difficult. for example just having a simple conversation with another person was and still is nearly impossible for me. i began to realize how much the things that people normally have conversations about just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. like what in the hell do i care if the Lakers won or if you managed to get somewhere with that girl you met last night or if theres a party this weekend and we're all supposed to get trashed. like are these really the things people concern themselves with? really? and its not like this is one or two people, this is the vast majority of people my age. i dont care about the pictures your friend posted, if you're going to the mall, had a good lunch, saw a crazy person on the street, got really drunk at some point, etc, etc, etc. THIS DOES NOT MATTER.

but i mean why dont i care.. why cant i care? i want to so bad but i cant.. im just so sick of seeing the look in their faces when they realize that talking to me is pointless because i offer nothing, nothing comes to mind when i hear what you say. my only responses are ones that have been selected from my roster of carefully crafted stock responses that i have developed through my observations of normal people having normal conversations. its not real, i still dont care about what your saying but i dont like seeing you upset by how i would naturally respond so i respond how i think you want me to respond. i humour you so you dont feel disappointed or insulted. and it works, i have made "friends" this way but its not real. these friends dont matter to me. as far as im concerned theyre still total strangers.i havent developed a close relationship with one person in almost 3 years. and the remaining relationships that i currently have are on their last thread.

im 21 years old, i have more money that i know what to do with, i have a coveted talent in the traditional arts, im in great health, i have a great physique, i can cook and take care of myself, im studying programming at a new school and doing very well, i have "friends", a complete family and materialistically, i own everything i want and have the funds to afford more if i desire. i know people who would kill to have what i have.

yet.. im unhappy. on paper, one would say that i have accomplished what i had set out to do 2 years ago in order to restore balance to my universe. but maybe i sacrificed my social life and thus my social skills in order to do so

i am indifferent about almost everything that happens and because of that, i am incapable of developing or even desiring the development of relationships with other people. i like to think that i just dont have anything in common with them because the thought of actually not being capable of having an interest scares me. i dont seek pleasure because it doesnt get me anywhere in life. although i completely acknowledge the pursuit of pleasure as the driving force behind happiness, all i feel is guilt and anxiety for pursuing something so trivial and temporary. i've conditioned myself to believe that being happy is selfish and not forward thinking. i know that this is not true at all but the way my mind reacts to pleasurable things and activities is completely backwards. i could go on for days but ill cut it off here.I rarely talk about myself in this much depth but i need to put it out there. i normally have difficulty communicating my emotions verbally. it sickens me a little because i feel like im missing a lot and these words dont adequately portray the degree of my despair.

[Xerosnake90]

You lack significance. In many aspects, and in general about life as a whole. Find a way to feel important, a way for you to contribute. Every thing we do as a race isn't necessary. We live a life of luxury while we are rich or poor. It's all been simplified. So what do we do to contribute? Entertainers, artists, musicians, their significance is made by a measure of joy they bring to others.

It seems so insignificant because you believe yourself and others to be that way. Enjoy the little things, that's a good start. Appreciation leaves as significance diminishes.

[1Bluerose68]

The Heuristic-Existential Crisis Reaction or Abreaction???

So dear, what exactly is your point?

That you are suffering from anhedonia and cannot find any pleasure in life in spite of having ALL the material resources available and then some to you?

Or that you Totally blame your professor on this case of anhedonia that you have had since adolescance? (1st Failure Perhaps)?

Many people who suffer depression and anxiety, don't develop it until a crisis hits home.

The crisis thus becomes a Real Growth Experience too.

In how you deal with it will determine the outcome of your future?????

They are sheltered until 1 day they are not so sheltered and then they realize they too are not as Special as they thought that they really were.

In growing up, many people break out of their thick shells and this happens too.

Eric Erickson would call this the stage of Isolation vr Indoctrination of Self and Others.

Part of it is being Human vr being a Socialized Animal.

The other part is perhaps something that only you and a specialist, like say an analyst, as it sounds like you could afford 1 at this time of your life, sit down and make sense where there is None for you what so ever.....

You will grow from therapy or analysis in time.

It may take, even years of therapy.

But it may, make you a better person.

Sincerely,
1Bluerose68

[Im-Suffering]

This person struggles with identity, he simply does not know who he is, and so he defines his sense of self on the expectations of others. Self defining moments will shatter this fragile psyche which has no real foundation. What interests should he have when all interests were given to him. When he was told what to have interest in. Thus he has no ability to think for himself. All of this reality would crash down if the expectations weren't met as he has described. But those expectations on not from within, but without. It is true xerosnake mentions, he struggles with significance. There is no reference point on which to build a self. A sense of self will come as life moves on, if it moves on, as he has free will to do as he pleases. Interesting guy.

The world as you knew it was built on a lie to begin with, building a solid world view of your own means you swiftly become your own man and out from the wings of control, manipulation. Having the courage to.say this is my life and this is who.I am, and I will live it my way. That esteem will be solid and not wishy washy on the whims of another man, however respected they may be. Especially a father figure.

A man held in captivity once released is still captive, only without direction or purpose, because his captives no longer dictate it.

[1Bluerose68]

You should read about my nightmare last night then. This seems to fit what you are referring to about captivity and free will.

(See Anxiety Nightmares).
My posting that is.....

1Bluerose68

[Im-Suffering]

You should read about my nightmare last night then. This seems to fit what you are referring to about captivity and free will.

(See Anxiety Nightmares).
My posting that is.....

1Bluerose68

"Last night I dreampt that

I was a young white girl who was

being held captive

in a Boobey Trapped old house.

Everything I went near was rigged to explode,

and there was NO WAY OUT!!!!!

Then I awaken and Never forgot my awful dream"

The best part of your life will be the second act. You can't meet the current days and life ahead.with old wineskins or the skin would burst and you'd lose the new wine. Accept the days ahead and today with a new pouch, a new you. Too much of the old is being held onto. Booby traps are simply conflicts in the way of joy. The proper course will not be set with traps. Nor would you be ensnared by food. The girls color represents opportunities where you feel there could be restrictions, that doesn't only apply to work, but relationships, as you set sometimes too lofty expectations of yourself, defeating whatever good intent you had in its tracks. Those are missed opportunities and a trigger to look at your beliefs. The ones that feel restrictive, holding you captive, so to speak. Vanity is one.

Find your home Rose. But look in new places. That's also where you will find him.

I believe we hijacked the OP thread.......

[J Michael]

So dear, what exactly is your point?

That you are suffering from anhedonia and cannot find any pleasure in life in spite of having ALL the material resources available and then some to you?

Or that you Totally blame your professor on this case of anhedonia that you have had since adolescance? (1st Failure Perhaps)?

Many people who suffer depression and anxiety, don't develop it until a crisis hits home.

The crisis thus becomes a Real Growth Experience too.

In how you deal with it will determine the outcome of your future?????

They are sheltered until 1 day they are not so sheltered and then they realize they too are not as Special as they thought that they really were.

In growing up, many people break out of their thick shells and this happens too.

my point is i think i should be happy. to look at my life objectively, like say there was another person who had everything that i have, all of my positive qualities, i would expect that he would be thriving, he would have lots to talk about, he would have a drive for life, and multiple deep rooted relationships with interesting people, i would envy him. but i feel like i lack basic feelings. the feelings that make you want to know more about someone, the feelings that make you desire to be with other people, the feelings that make you want to take risks. maybe in order to prove to myself that i could be independent, i overreacted and i decided that in order to be independent, i shouldnt need or want to be close to people, and to shelter myself from another extended period of chronic dread and anxiety decided that i should avoid taking risks at all cost. just remain, predictable, monotonous, routine and i will be safe.

as for the teacher, the way it happened was like a man telling a child their parents died and then proceeding to laugh at them and then start kicking them when they fall to the ground in disbelief. but i dont blame the teacher for what happened to me. i mean he could have been much lighter with his delivery of the news but the way my life was before this, it was inevitable that some event would take place that would hit me with reality. its just unfortunate that it was concentrated in such a short period of time and was dumped on me when i was most vulnerable so the impact was incredibly overwhelming. in about 4 months (most of it within the first 3 weeks of the course), i was hit with the "coming of age" realizations that people usually experience spread out over the course of several years.

and yes because of it, i have strived to make myself and my life much better and i have succeeded at doing that, i think (the money, health, work ethic, etc.) but the shock stayed with me for such a long time. everything in my life was tainted with anxiety, whether i was hanging out with friends, in class, at home, trying to sleep, doing work, talking to people, i felt anxiety with everything. i believe i started to associate all aspects of my life with dread and fear. i began expecting the absolute worst outcome of every situation, just in case, to kind of reduce the blow if it ever happened; which it rarely ever did. i couldnt take it anymore, i didnt know how to become what i used to be so i gave up feeling strong emotions toward anything that didnt have a direct affect on my future. and it was good for a time but now im starting to see how that choice affected me mentally and its not good at all. im not trying to find a solution by making my post, i know i wont get one. i just want to put my story out there, maybe see if anyone else has experienced anything similar and how they may or may not have coped with it.

[1Bluerose68]

OOpsy...? We did? Um really, it sounds like I've been binging on a ton of fortune cookies and reading each fortune aloud as I read your response, I am putting the entire whole into 1 gist , hoping to comprehend and understand what I have consumed, in metaphorical fortunes from you, the 1st responder, to me Les Miserables Missy Poo....My neck really hurts. I cant take muscle relaxants b4 the work week so that stinks.