J Michael
10-11-2014, 11:34 PM
almost two years ago, in my final semester of college i was met with a teacher who managed to mercilessly drop the entire world on my head in the span of only 3 weeks. i was 19 years old, still a child, mentally. to have a person whom i perceived as an intelligent man, a figure of authority and a man highly respected in his field, tell me that i am not ready, i am not a man, the work that i thought would help my employability was laughably worthless.. was just earth shattering. 19 f*cking years of building myself up were just flushed down the toilet. he triggered a mental process in me that over the course of the next couple years would end the world as i knew it.
i was faced with such massive revelations about myself, my future, and society as a whole that the sheer gravity of these revelations (rational or not) completely changed virtually every aspect of myself and my life. a total overhaul of my life priorities ensued. everything that was not directly related to improving the shattered vision of my future just seemed so insignificant by comparison. living in the present became extraordinarily difficult. for example just having a simple conversation with another person was and still is nearly impossible for me. i began to realize how much the things that people normally have conversations about just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. like what in the hell do i care if the Lakers won or if you managed to get somewhere with that girl you met last night or if theres a party this weekend and we're all supposed to get trashed. like are these really the things people concern themselves with? really? and its not like this is one or two people, this is the vast majority of people my age. i dont care about the pictures your friend posted, if you're going to the mall, had a good lunch, saw a crazy person on the street, got really drunk at some point, etc, etc, etc. THIS DOES NOT MATTER.
but i mean why dont i care.. why cant i care? i want to so bad but i cant.. im just so sick of seeing the look in their faces when they realize that talking to me is pointless because i offer nothing, nothing comes to mind when i hear what you say. my only responses are ones that have been selected from my roster of carefully crafted stock responses that i have developed through my observations of normal people having normal conversations. its not real, i still dont care about what your saying but i dont like seeing you upset by how i would naturally respond so i respond how i think you want me to respond. i humour you so you dont feel disappointed or insulted. and it works, i have made "friends" this way but its not real. these friends dont matter to me. as far as im concerned theyre still total strangers.i havent developed a close relationship with one person in almost 3 years. and the remaining relationships that i currently have are on their last thread.
im 21 years old, i have more money that i know what to do with, i have a coveted talent in the traditional arts, im in great health, i have a great physique, i can cook and take care of myself, im studying programming at a new school and doing very well, i have "friends", a complete family and materialistically, i own everything i want and have the funds to afford more if i desire. i know people who would kill to have what i have.
yet.. im unhappy. on paper, one would say that i have accomplished what i had set out to do 2 years ago in order to restore balance to my universe. but maybe i sacrificed my social life and thus my social skills in order to do so
i am indifferent about almost everything that happens and because of that, i am incapable of developing or even desiring the development of relationships with other people. i like to think that i just dont have anything in common with them because the thought of actually not being capable of having an interest scares me. i dont seek pleasure because it doesnt get me anywhere in life. although i completely acknowledge the pursuit of pleasure as the driving force behind happiness, all i feel is guilt and anxiety for pursuing something so trivial and temporary. i've conditioned myself to believe that being happy is selfish and not forward thinking. i know that this is not true at all but the way my mind reacts to pleasurable things and activities is completely backwards. i could go on for days but ill cut it off here.I rarely talk about myself in this much depth but i need to put it out there. i normally have difficulty communicating my emotions verbally. it sickens me a little because i feel like im missing a lot and these words dont adequately portray the degree of my despair.
i was faced with such massive revelations about myself, my future, and society as a whole that the sheer gravity of these revelations (rational or not) completely changed virtually every aspect of myself and my life. a total overhaul of my life priorities ensued. everything that was not directly related to improving the shattered vision of my future just seemed so insignificant by comparison. living in the present became extraordinarily difficult. for example just having a simple conversation with another person was and still is nearly impossible for me. i began to realize how much the things that people normally have conversations about just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. like what in the hell do i care if the Lakers won or if you managed to get somewhere with that girl you met last night or if theres a party this weekend and we're all supposed to get trashed. like are these really the things people concern themselves with? really? and its not like this is one or two people, this is the vast majority of people my age. i dont care about the pictures your friend posted, if you're going to the mall, had a good lunch, saw a crazy person on the street, got really drunk at some point, etc, etc, etc. THIS DOES NOT MATTER.
but i mean why dont i care.. why cant i care? i want to so bad but i cant.. im just so sick of seeing the look in their faces when they realize that talking to me is pointless because i offer nothing, nothing comes to mind when i hear what you say. my only responses are ones that have been selected from my roster of carefully crafted stock responses that i have developed through my observations of normal people having normal conversations. its not real, i still dont care about what your saying but i dont like seeing you upset by how i would naturally respond so i respond how i think you want me to respond. i humour you so you dont feel disappointed or insulted. and it works, i have made "friends" this way but its not real. these friends dont matter to me. as far as im concerned theyre still total strangers.i havent developed a close relationship with one person in almost 3 years. and the remaining relationships that i currently have are on their last thread.
im 21 years old, i have more money that i know what to do with, i have a coveted talent in the traditional arts, im in great health, i have a great physique, i can cook and take care of myself, im studying programming at a new school and doing very well, i have "friends", a complete family and materialistically, i own everything i want and have the funds to afford more if i desire. i know people who would kill to have what i have.
yet.. im unhappy. on paper, one would say that i have accomplished what i had set out to do 2 years ago in order to restore balance to my universe. but maybe i sacrificed my social life and thus my social skills in order to do so
i am indifferent about almost everything that happens and because of that, i am incapable of developing or even desiring the development of relationships with other people. i like to think that i just dont have anything in common with them because the thought of actually not being capable of having an interest scares me. i dont seek pleasure because it doesnt get me anywhere in life. although i completely acknowledge the pursuit of pleasure as the driving force behind happiness, all i feel is guilt and anxiety for pursuing something so trivial and temporary. i've conditioned myself to believe that being happy is selfish and not forward thinking. i know that this is not true at all but the way my mind reacts to pleasurable things and activities is completely backwards. i could go on for days but ill cut it off here.I rarely talk about myself in this much depth but i need to put it out there. i normally have difficulty communicating my emotions verbally. it sickens me a little because i feel like im missing a lot and these words dont adequately portray the degree of my despair.