moodyedge
10-10-2014, 06:44 PM
.I wrote a message in response to the first thread I read on this forum when I joined maybe a week ago.... the guy who wrote the thread sounded as fed up as I do...I offered my take and advice, funny thing is....writing the advice etc, youd think id have a handle on my own issues but the thing is, they have a handle on me and thats the problem.
Im in a long distance relationship, We maybe see each other once every 3 weeks on average. My previous relationship lasted 10 years and didnt end well. I got dumped for somebody else out of the blue and was lied to in an attempt to keep the real reason from me.I think this has something to do with the state i am in now....other factors perhaps played a part but I dont know where it truly started and im worried about where its leading and how it will end. I guess writing for me has always flowed easy so typing here perhaps offers some sort of outlet because I feel unable to talk to people about all this..especially the girlfriend as I fear it will have a negative effect, even though she has tried to ask how its been going at the doctors and if ive had any panic attacks recently etc.i try to keep it from her, maybe not the best idea but its not something I want to talk about to her, its my problem and im alone with it as she dont live here.
Well things seemed to go bad when I had bad back pain which had me off work for 3 months earlier this year..This happened while I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my girlfriend to japan. I got so worked up and stressed out that my back was going to ruin the holiday..that it did. I worry about evthing and my back was at the top of the list.I was having severe panic attacks while in japan and was freaking out..my girlfriend really didnt know what to do....she just wanted to come home. I thought I was seriously ill and it was her that said, "your having panic attacks" I didnt know, I just thought I was ill and was also losing my mind.Thats the most afraid ive ever been in my life, and my poor girlfriend lived through it with me.now shes scared it might happen again and all I can say is, I dont want that, its the most terrified ive ever been and dont want to relive that ever again. Never underestimate the power of the mind over the body...its scary.its bin a rough ride since then..that was in may...6months later ive gone from pillar to post being referred to different people and am now on a waiting list to see another cbt therapist. I hope that helps. I still dont understand what happened during that trip or why im still struggling now but im trying and as we know it is very very hard.Ive been to the gp and have been waiting for months to be referred to somebody for help..the whole time the guilt from ruining the trip eats me alive, I feel very much responsible for what happened. She lives 200 miles away so its been very difficult because ive wondered what would come of it.. A few months ago the doctor asked me if I had made any plans to kill myself, he was very concerned about me...as were others. I understand not wanting to wake up and said id happily invite the prospect of going to bed tonight and not waking up in the morning....it just gets to the point where i cant stand it anymore, like being in a pressure cooker wanting to burst.
I worry so much about whether or not things are ok between us..and the guilt is always there as I feel like I have to make it up to her for the holiday and how ive been the last 6 months. ?..it was our 2 year anniversary on monday the 6th, i went to stay with her for the weekend...i was already getting anxious the previous Tuesday. I fear if I have a bad weekend then that will be the end of it and il be without her..I cant control the worry and stress and I think the holiday did a lot of damage....to us so I think and also to my state of mind. I cant take the stress! Thats all it is, worry, anxiety and stress....and its all an illusion. Being dumped about 3 years ago out of the blue has made me paranoid that it will happen again. It knocked my confidence which wasnt high to begin with. I worry now at the slightest bit of tension building and I think theres problems between us and it freaks me out. I need reassurance, asking, are you ok? Whats wrong? Are you annoyed with me? Its endless. Lighting can strike twice so I tell myself and im terrified I will lose her too.
The whole situation is ridiculous, pathetic........its debilitating and nobody should underestimate the power the mind can have over the body, its pretty scary.*I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance in japan, I freaked out that much after being there two weeks, 2 days before we were due to fly back it boiled over. I lost the feeling in my legs completely and down one side of my body/arm...laying there almost convinced the relationship would be very much over when we landed back home, I layed in a&e in japan thinking i was paralyzed and I just wanted somebody to shoot me in the back of the head and be done with it. I waited for xray results and I was sure the discs in my back and neck had gone and I had nerve and spine damage......xrays came....my girlfriend, bless her...she was standing there living the knightmare with me...doctor came in and said.....everything looks normal. I said, what? Cant be? They turned the screen around and showed me....look....normal. 20 minutes later I was walking out of there to a waiting room to oay the bill for the ambulance and evthing else wondering what the f**k just happened and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I was sure I was losing my mind and that was the proof. Since then.....5 or 6 months later, I still dont talk about japan if I can help it....if she mentions something about the trip now and again in conversation...and I cringe.....even things we saw and experienced there..the good things.but I freeze and think...oh shit.....she mentioned japan :0 ..I dont want to remind her about all the bad stuff that happened...all the bad stuff I out her through. .and the pain and guilt I feel everyday now its gone and I worry things wont recover.....she said she knows it wasnt my fault but I feel like it was. Shes said a few times shes scared of it happening again..and all I could say was...im getting better and I never ever want it to happen again because its the most scared ive been in my life...it was hell. People who havent gone through anxiety and depression cannot understand what its like, its no joke. She has no idea whst im really going through. Even I have no idea what has happened to me or whats caused it, I just hope I get better before its too late. It takes time and time is the worst thing for somebody with anxiety to have because it festers and chips away, draining you, telling you your no good, your weird, abnormal...mental.crazy..ill...everything. its like a tv channel you cannot turn off.
I know Anxiety loves to make everything into a critical problem, to blow things out of proportion, to exaggerate and its dam good at it. Im still trying to sort myself out but when your waiting to see people, time just seems to stand s still. Ive had an assessment by the community mental health team and am now waiting for a therapist to get back to me to start a cbt type talk therapy. Ive been waiting months again, I was in a cbt program just before but because I wanted to die that was out of their league so ive been promoted to the heavy mob. Im hoping they can help because I cant take it much longer.....its a living hell.
Heres the advice I gave in response to the first thread I saw after recently discovering this forum....
"Ive learned that theres only one person who can push you to make a change. Its clear its no fun living with worry etc etc and you have the power to take a stand....make a small change...take up a new hobby and force yourself to go...mix with people there..laugh, involve yourself....do something active, anything...just do it and give yourself credit for going. Take up a martial art, its good for the body and the mind and gives each of them something to focus on. I recently started back at aikido and have made myself go for the last 6 weeks and it helps. Im a very sensitive person, im very compassionate and they are very good qualities for a person to have. Dont knock yourself for being the same, caring people are in short supply in this world so give yourself credit that you do care. I also have little self confidence, aikido helps me with that too.You really have to say enough is enough and then introduce a small change into your life. A little one to start with unless you just set yourself up to fail..start small, be realistic and go with it, it doesnt matter how small just be disciplined and it will start to payoff."
Reading my own advice and yet, still not actually getting any benefit from it, jut spinning my wheels, getting stressed about anything and everything and all this is ruining my existence. I cant seem to take the stress of the relationship, I can visit my girlfriend on a particular weekend, have a good time, albeit with a few anxious blips during the time spent together, leave for home and then my mood crashes and I start to pick the weekend appart in my mind, reading into anything and everything that was said and everything that happened, often only seeing the negative in the time spent with her. I make anything that was good, somehow bad when I analyze it in my mind and it all adds to the stress and the panic attacks roll in like a high tide. I then feel angry at her and I dont know why. Maybe because she has no idea what im really going through and how much im struggling.
The weight is dropping off me, people comment on that, my appetite is almost non existent, sleep isnt great and I dont want to do anything. My lifes fritting away as I sit and watch.
Lao tzu said....A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Quotes are all very well but I make 1 forward and then two back.
Im in a long distance relationship, We maybe see each other once every 3 weeks on average. My previous relationship lasted 10 years and didnt end well. I got dumped for somebody else out of the blue and was lied to in an attempt to keep the real reason from me.I think this has something to do with the state i am in now....other factors perhaps played a part but I dont know where it truly started and im worried about where its leading and how it will end. I guess writing for me has always flowed easy so typing here perhaps offers some sort of outlet because I feel unable to talk to people about all this..especially the girlfriend as I fear it will have a negative effect, even though she has tried to ask how its been going at the doctors and if ive had any panic attacks recently etc.i try to keep it from her, maybe not the best idea but its not something I want to talk about to her, its my problem and im alone with it as she dont live here.
Well things seemed to go bad when I had bad back pain which had me off work for 3 months earlier this year..This happened while I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my girlfriend to japan. I got so worked up and stressed out that my back was going to ruin the holiday..that it did. I worry about evthing and my back was at the top of the list.I was having severe panic attacks while in japan and was freaking out..my girlfriend really didnt know what to do....she just wanted to come home. I thought I was seriously ill and it was her that said, "your having panic attacks" I didnt know, I just thought I was ill and was also losing my mind.Thats the most afraid ive ever been in my life, and my poor girlfriend lived through it with me.now shes scared it might happen again and all I can say is, I dont want that, its the most terrified ive ever been and dont want to relive that ever again. Never underestimate the power of the mind over the body...its scary.its bin a rough ride since then..that was in may...6months later ive gone from pillar to post being referred to different people and am now on a waiting list to see another cbt therapist. I hope that helps. I still dont understand what happened during that trip or why im still struggling now but im trying and as we know it is very very hard.Ive been to the gp and have been waiting for months to be referred to somebody for help..the whole time the guilt from ruining the trip eats me alive, I feel very much responsible for what happened. She lives 200 miles away so its been very difficult because ive wondered what would come of it.. A few months ago the doctor asked me if I had made any plans to kill myself, he was very concerned about me...as were others. I understand not wanting to wake up and said id happily invite the prospect of going to bed tonight and not waking up in the morning....it just gets to the point where i cant stand it anymore, like being in a pressure cooker wanting to burst.
I worry so much about whether or not things are ok between us..and the guilt is always there as I feel like I have to make it up to her for the holiday and how ive been the last 6 months. ?..it was our 2 year anniversary on monday the 6th, i went to stay with her for the weekend...i was already getting anxious the previous Tuesday. I fear if I have a bad weekend then that will be the end of it and il be without her..I cant control the worry and stress and I think the holiday did a lot of damage....to us so I think and also to my state of mind. I cant take the stress! Thats all it is, worry, anxiety and stress....and its all an illusion. Being dumped about 3 years ago out of the blue has made me paranoid that it will happen again. It knocked my confidence which wasnt high to begin with. I worry now at the slightest bit of tension building and I think theres problems between us and it freaks me out. I need reassurance, asking, are you ok? Whats wrong? Are you annoyed with me? Its endless. Lighting can strike twice so I tell myself and im terrified I will lose her too.
The whole situation is ridiculous, pathetic........its debilitating and nobody should underestimate the power the mind can have over the body, its pretty scary.*I was rushed to hospital in an ambulance in japan, I freaked out that much after being there two weeks, 2 days before we were due to fly back it boiled over. I lost the feeling in my legs completely and down one side of my body/arm...laying there almost convinced the relationship would be very much over when we landed back home, I layed in a&e in japan thinking i was paralyzed and I just wanted somebody to shoot me in the back of the head and be done with it. I waited for xray results and I was sure the discs in my back and neck had gone and I had nerve and spine damage......xrays came....my girlfriend, bless her...she was standing there living the knightmare with me...doctor came in and said.....everything looks normal. I said, what? Cant be? They turned the screen around and showed me....look....normal. 20 minutes later I was walking out of there to a waiting room to oay the bill for the ambulance and evthing else wondering what the f**k just happened and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I was sure I was losing my mind and that was the proof. Since then.....5 or 6 months later, I still dont talk about japan if I can help it....if she mentions something about the trip now and again in conversation...and I cringe.....even things we saw and experienced there..the good things.but I freeze and think...oh shit.....she mentioned japan :0 ..I dont want to remind her about all the bad stuff that happened...all the bad stuff I out her through. .and the pain and guilt I feel everyday now its gone and I worry things wont recover.....she said she knows it wasnt my fault but I feel like it was. Shes said a few times shes scared of it happening again..and all I could say was...im getting better and I never ever want it to happen again because its the most scared ive been in my life...it was hell. People who havent gone through anxiety and depression cannot understand what its like, its no joke. She has no idea whst im really going through. Even I have no idea what has happened to me or whats caused it, I just hope I get better before its too late. It takes time and time is the worst thing for somebody with anxiety to have because it festers and chips away, draining you, telling you your no good, your weird, abnormal...mental.crazy..ill...everything. its like a tv channel you cannot turn off.
I know Anxiety loves to make everything into a critical problem, to blow things out of proportion, to exaggerate and its dam good at it. Im still trying to sort myself out but when your waiting to see people, time just seems to stand s still. Ive had an assessment by the community mental health team and am now waiting for a therapist to get back to me to start a cbt type talk therapy. Ive been waiting months again, I was in a cbt program just before but because I wanted to die that was out of their league so ive been promoted to the heavy mob. Im hoping they can help because I cant take it much longer.....its a living hell.
Heres the advice I gave in response to the first thread I saw after recently discovering this forum....
"Ive learned that theres only one person who can push you to make a change. Its clear its no fun living with worry etc etc and you have the power to take a stand....make a small change...take up a new hobby and force yourself to go...mix with people there..laugh, involve yourself....do something active, anything...just do it and give yourself credit for going. Take up a martial art, its good for the body and the mind and gives each of them something to focus on. I recently started back at aikido and have made myself go for the last 6 weeks and it helps. Im a very sensitive person, im very compassionate and they are very good qualities for a person to have. Dont knock yourself for being the same, caring people are in short supply in this world so give yourself credit that you do care. I also have little self confidence, aikido helps me with that too.You really have to say enough is enough and then introduce a small change into your life. A little one to start with unless you just set yourself up to fail..start small, be realistic and go with it, it doesnt matter how small just be disciplined and it will start to payoff."
Reading my own advice and yet, still not actually getting any benefit from it, jut spinning my wheels, getting stressed about anything and everything and all this is ruining my existence. I cant seem to take the stress of the relationship, I can visit my girlfriend on a particular weekend, have a good time, albeit with a few anxious blips during the time spent together, leave for home and then my mood crashes and I start to pick the weekend appart in my mind, reading into anything and everything that was said and everything that happened, often only seeing the negative in the time spent with her. I make anything that was good, somehow bad when I analyze it in my mind and it all adds to the stress and the panic attacks roll in like a high tide. I then feel angry at her and I dont know why. Maybe because she has no idea what im really going through and how much im struggling.
The weight is dropping off me, people comment on that, my appetite is almost non existent, sleep isnt great and I dont want to do anything. My lifes fritting away as I sit and watch.
Lao tzu said....A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Quotes are all very well but I make 1 forward and then two back.