Sadness over the loss of the past

[TW4569]

I'm a 22 year old (soon to be 23) jobless high school dropout. I wasn't necessarily very outgoing or popular in school. I was very shy, but I did have some friends I had a good time with. I think just being around peers, even if not actually friends with them, was good for me. Unfortunately, I've suffered from chronic laziness my whole life so I hated waking up early and doing school work. A combination of too many absences and horrible grades ended up with a 'mutual breakup' between me and high school in my senior year. At first, being 16 years old, I thought "Hell yeah, no more school, awesome." I thought I hated school, but over time, I really started to miss it. I suspect I'd have the same feeling if I would have graduated. Going from being surrounded by a large, vibrant group of peers on a daily basis, to only having a couple friends I see outside of school was a big change.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm pretty lazy and lack motivation, so I've only had one short-term seasonal job between the ages of 16 and 22. I'm lucky enough to have parents who are willing to let me continue to live with them and feed me and stuff. I really only see 3 or 4 people on a regular basis. I've yet to get my GED after dropping out.

My brother passed away recently, and I think this caused me to become extremely sentimental. I added a bunch of old classmates on Facebook, but I feel like it would be awkward to send a message to someone I sort of knew 5 years ago and say, "Hey! Let's hang out!". I still have the shyness thing, too.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I'm just rambling. I guess it boils down to wishing I could go back in time and make more friends and apply myself more. I know dwelling on past failures is a waste of time, and every second spent doing so is a second spent not improving yourself, blah blah, but I still catch myself doing it. All. The. Time. I'm not suicidal or anything, but I just feel... empty... most of the time. I have some hobbies, but they remain stagnant most of the time due to not having any money (the lazy, jobless thing again).

It's not just the school thing, either. Sometimes I'll come across a screenshot from an old video game or something and think, "Fuck! I want to be a kid again. I want my neighborhood friends to come over and play video games and eat candy, instead of having everyone spread all over the country doing their own thing with higher education and careers."

[Enduronman]

High school dropout. I was very shy, but I did have some friends I had a good time with. I had a 'mutual breakup' between me and high school in my senior year. I've yet to get my GED after dropping out. My brother passed away recently. I added a bunch of old classmates on Facebook. I know dwelling on past failures is a waste of time. I just feel... empty... most of the time. "Fuck! I want to be a kid again!"

Sorry about your loss TW.
I too am a High School dropout at age 16. I've yet to get a GED.
I somehow found the energy to make things happen in my life, went to work in construction, and then started two companies of my own that became successful.
Until the shit hit the wall. I got some fucked up rare disease that hit me like a freight train in 2012. The companies stopped production.
You've got to make things positive happen friend. Find that energy, ambition, and desire to get out there and get something going. You can do this!
I have also wished I could go back in time too, many, many times considering ALL of the shit that has happened and is now happening in my life but obviously, not possible yet fun to think about.
As far as the old friends thing, I don't communicate with them and mostly because of how fucked up my life is right now. I can't find much good to say about it.
I just try to make it through each day, the best that I can and hope for better days in the future for myself and everyone else that I know too.
Wishing you the best TW.

E-Man :)

[TW4569]

The last couple days have been weird. I've been extremely nostalgic. I was on the verge of tears lying in bed over all of my old magazines that were thrown out years ago. I read Electronic Gaming Monthly, GamePro, Super Street, and Sport Compact Car, mostly. I always kept magazines because I liked re-reading them, no matter how outdated the information (hilariously enough, video games and high performance car mods go obsolete faster than anything else). I found a forum online that scans old video game magazines and posts them in digital form, but unfortunately they don't do anything past 1999 (my EGM era was Jan 2001 - ~2005). It's gotten to the point that I'm looking at issues of magazines on eBay and actually considering buying some.

Is this healthy, dwelling on objects from the past? Of course, thinking about objects makes me think about the era. I remember elementary school and junior high, when I had a lot of friends and acquaintances I would talk to and hang out with. Mountain Dew soaked video game sessions, neighborhood bike rides, busting our asses skateboarding because we thought it was cool, etc, etc. I only have two (2) people around my age that I see regularly these days, and we don't really do much. Plus they have jobs and stuff

I'm kind of afraid that this failure to let go of the past will negatively affect my ability to transition into adulthood. Hell, it already has. I'm 23 and jobless, living with my parents, no immediate plans to do anything. I feel like everyone judges me silently, too. Like "Why won't this kid grow up? Doesn't he know how far he is behind already?" No one has actually said anything of the sort, and they're probably not even thinking it, but I'm slightyl ashamed and embarrassed of my position.

I don't know, I just feel... abnormal.

[TW4569]

I actually cried today for the first time in quite a while. I felt it all day but held it back, so I got in the shower and let it come out (I have to maintain that 23 y/o macho guy image, haha). I got to thinking about my brother a lot, I miss him a whole lot. I got my sense of humor from him and his friends, being the typical younger sibling, we had so many 'memes' related to stuff that went on in our lives that only we got. It sucks not being able to laugh about that stuff with anyone anymore. My brother's two or three closest friends, who were basically my secondary older brothers growing up, still come around once in a while to keep up with my parents and I. We had a big gathering at my parents' house a couple months ago, I want to do it again.

[TW4569]

Still in this rut :/. Several times, I've woken up (or watched day break while still up) and think I'm okay. I can function pretty well during the day, but then night falls, things start winding down, and I start to think. I've always been pretty sentimental, even during the era I miss, but I think my brother's death over the summer pushed me fully into... this. Not only was the past full of friends, acquaintances, fun, and structure, my brother was there too. Fuck.

I did a Facebook search for two of my good friends from back then but apparently neither of them have one. Other than that, I have no idea how to contact either of them.

A couple friends and I would hang out and watch and play stuff on newgrounds.com in junior high. I went there today and even managed to sign in to my account where I could view my favorites. One of the games instantly brought back a memory of my best friend and I sitting side by side in front of the computer playing it during one of our sleepovers where we didn't go to sleep and just did fun stuff all night. Now he's in the Marines stationed in CA, I only see him about once a year now. I'm waiting for him to come around again, I feel like I can talk to him about this stuff.

I'd really like to stay away from medications of any type, but I'm really thinking about going back on citalopram :/. I really don't want to, but it's better than being down in the dumps all the time. It's only been a month since I quit, so I'll give it some more time.

[Emilym80]

The last couple days have been weird. I've been extremely nostalgic. I was on the verge of tears lying in bed over all of my old magazines that were thrown out years ago. I read Electronic Gaming Monthly, GamePro, Super Street, and Sport Compact Car, mostly. I always kept magazines because I liked re-reading them, no matter how outdated the information (hilariously enough, video games and high performance car mods go obsolete faster than anything else). I found a forum online that scans old video game magazines and posts them in digital form, but unfortunately they don't do anything past 1999 (my EGM era was Jan 2001 - ~2005). It's gotten to the point that I'm looking at issues of magazines on eBay and actually considering buying some.

Is this healthy, dwelling on objects from the past? Of course, thinking about objects makes me think about the era. I remember elementary school and junior high, when I had a lot of friends and acquaintances I would talk to and hang out with. Mountain Dew soaked video game sessions, neighborhood bike rides, busting our asses skateboarding because we thought it was cool, etc, etc. I only have two (2) people around my age that I see regularly these days, and we don't really do much. Plus they have jobs and stuff

I'm kind of afraid that this failure to let go of the past will negatively affect my ability to transition into adulthood. Hell, it already has. I'm 23 and jobless, living with my parents, no immediate plans to do anything. I feel like everyone judges me silently, too. Like "Why won't this kid grow up? Doesn't he know how far he is behind already?" No one has actually said anything of the sort, and they're probably not even thinking it, but I'm slightyl ashamed and embarrassed of my position.

I don't know, I just feel... abnormal.

I think it's normal to be and feel sentimental and want to experience things that allow us to feel, briefly, that we're a kid again (or in some other, happier, time) but it's important that you don't become reliant on your sentimental feelings tot he extent that they become maladaptive.

I think personally that it'd be more productive to focus instead on the possibility that the future holds and using that optimism to improve your prospects, if you can. I know this is way easier said than done but I think if you try making small changes/steps towards any goals you might have could make a big difference.

Maybe getting a part-time job would help, if you can? I'm probably nagging you a bit like your parents right now (haha) but if you find some way to occupy your time it might help you not to reminisce so much. You might even find that you enjoy it and it could lead to further opportunities.

But now I'm rambling a bit. Anyway, best of luck and take care :)

[Saber_Wing]

Hi, TW. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Like some of the others, I too believe it is perfectly natural to feel sentimental, but if these feelings are to the point where they're holding you back due to missing them so much, I think it's probably time for you to look for some outside help, and maybe try to get into something new that makes you happy. Focus on making more memories you can look back on with fondness. Maybe getting a part-time job doing something you like would help. Might I suggest a video game store? I'm a gamer too, and we're the same age, so we've likely played the same ones :). I've always thought I would love a job like that. Not to mention, you might feel rewarded for the time you spend there, and it's a good way to meet people and make friends.

Like you, I've wanted to stay away from medication all my life, but recently, I've started to re-think my opinion. If it's what we need to get on the right track, I don't think it's anything to be ashamed of to admit we need that extra help medication would give us for awhile.

Hang in there, stay strong, and don't ever hesitate to ask for help when you need it, or if you need someone to talk to.

[TW4569]

Hi, TW. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Like some of the others, I too believe it is perfectly natural to feel sentimental, but if these feelings are to the point where they're holding you back due to missing them so much, I think it's probably time for you to look for some outside help, and maybe try to get into something new that makes you happy.
For the longest time, it was just something in the back of my mind. About two weeks ago is when it came to the front of my mind with a vengeance. Now I'm fine for most of the day, but I can feel it creep up at night shortly before bed. I'm forcing myself to get out of the slump, though. I made myself organize some piles of crap in the house today. Yet another contributor to my general anxiety and depression is the fact that my house is somewhat of a disaster area. I'm hesitant to have people over, the mess and clutter is embarrassing. If I can overcome that hurdle, maybe I'd have an easier time developing new/old friendships.



Focus on making more memories you can look back on with fondness. Maybe getting a part-time job doing something you like would help. Might I suggest a video game store? I'm a gamer too, and we're the same age, so we've likely played the same ones :). I've always thought I would love a job like that. Not to mention, you might feel rewarded for the time you spend there, and it's a good way to meet people and make friends.

For sure, a job would be great for me. Not only for personal growth, but it would also be nice to have some money sometimes, heh. For the short time I was working I felt pretty good to be doing something. Not having a job or schooling also makes me hesitant to reconnect with old friends. They're all like, "I'm doing this and this and this and it's pretty cool.", and I'm like, "Uhh... I watched How It's Made for 3 hours straight yesterday then I made macaroni and cheese." and I feel out of place somehow.



Hang in there, stay strong, and don't ever hesitate to ask for help when you need it, or if you need someone to talk to.

Thanks! I have a hard time opening up to people in person, it's nice to have a place where I can do so somewhat anonymously. I did finally tell my mom that I've been kind of depressed lately, I didn't go into any detail though.

[Ponder]

Hey TW - I dropped out at about age 14 and bounced around quite a before and after that. Although everyones experiences are unique in their own way, some behavioral studies would suggest some things are more normal than others. Some of us go through chemical changes later than others and when it comes to young people from ages 12 to 25 ... much of the emotional imbalances you describe are actually quite common'especially for young ones that goes through traumatic experiences.

I took drugs on the street and am actually thankful it was more the illicit kind as opposed to the pharmaceuticals. Those pharmaceuticals imo are more additive than the types I used to take and given the reliance many people seem to emphasis in taking them, I regard them as more dangerous.

Crying is good - it can be painful yet it's better than the comfort of even the best of friends we can begin to imagine. It's a good sign that you care about yourself.

Friends growing up and moving on - Happens ... I remember that a 15 myself and then again at 20. By the time I hit 21, Other than my brother (who also died - many years later though) I really had no one left I could pine over ... old friends and all that. Having said that though - I did a lot of crying on the side of the road ... never had a roof of loving parents and all that.

I think the physical suffering I suffered helped to give me perspective over my minds attempt to pity myself like so. Like being out in the cold and rain with no place to sleep and always hungry and so on. No time to write on the internet (was still under development back then and no such thing as mobile devices as we know them now) - or seek quick refuge with online suffers ...

But I did make my way into the soup kitchens and found a few other kids like me. They become new friends but just like my long past childhood buddies, these too quickly faded and now here I sit wondering how quick life passes by.

Nothing lasts for long - dwelling on the past with loss in mind will only drive the need to medicate. Life really is too short. Don't base your well being on how many friends you can or can not count on your fingers. I too love playing computer games, and whilst real life is fast becoming more pixels than ground beneath our feet ... my advice is to go watch other people and see that your not the only one that's feeling this way.

Not online - but venture out where you live and go see how others compose themselves. Does not take long to see there are plenty of young folk struggling too. Focus on the past and become more like them - or just stay as the observer and think to yourself, "man that really sucks, how can I get out of this mess"

I don;t know the answer ... just saying that when you see others in pain as well ... it helps to give perspective. Too many people choose not to see others like so. They say that is just attracting negativity and they only want to attract positivity. Everyone tries so hard to be happy that the next time you look - you go observe ... have a look at all those people smiling and laughing - if they are in a group, look at how others around the react ... ponder to think how long those expressions last ... often you can see how quickly those looks change like a contortionist who forgot to stretch. They have no idea just how tense they really look.

Sorry for the rant -I guess I got a bit lazy when I should of been writing in my own thread. Think I will go do that now ... Might also go into town a bit later and watch the show as I just described.

Whatever works ...

Best of luck if you do try those meds ... so many young folk being medicated these days. Is such a shame - I think is the cost of our evolving pixalated world.

As is ... Adios.
Peace Out.
Dave.

[TW4569]

This has crept back in again. I was doing okay for a while, not great, but okay, but the last week has found me down in the dumps. It's probably related to the couple serious panic attacks I've had out of nowhere, and the near constant anxiety-related body weirdness. I really should go see my doctor to get checked out, just for the peace of mind.

This is the kind of shit I do; I was just looking on google maps at my aunt and uncle's old house on a lake up north, remembering the trips my parents and my brother and I would take there. It's not super far, but far enough to stay overnight. I can remember hearing the cars and trucks crossing the bridge over the narrow part of the lake at night, my uncle's pontoon boat, the stone steps leading down to the dock, sledding on the hill in the winter, watching TV in the basement and using the old slow internet. Now, my aunt and uncle are still the same people, and their new house is great, but those particular things I remember doing and liking won't happen again, and I miss that.

Oh yeah, we tore down our swimming pool recently, no one uses it anymore and it was getting pretty rusty anyway. Today I happened to walk past a garbage can that some of the pool cleaning stuff was stuffed into. It made me sad, too. I can remember using the brush on the long pole to stir up dirt on the bottom, the net to scoop out leaves, my dad vacuuming the bottom. *poof*, gone. I thought about pulling it out, but what would that accomplish? I'm already flirting with hoarding, I don;t need to go any further down the path.

I talked to my mom a little bit earlier tonight. I'm not ready to unload all of this stuff, but I did tell my parents that I'm having anxiety again, and I told my mom later about my hypochondria (I don't know if I've ever mentioned that here. Long story short, I think I have angina right now and will be seeing my doctor tomorrow), and that I'll probably be going on my medication again. I wanted to avoid it, but maybe it will give me the boost I need to make positive progress in my life, and then be able to go off of it and stay okay in a more positive environment. I do eventually want to tell someone, in person, about my struggle to move forward in time. my mom has told me on numerous occasions that she's available to talk, and I appreciate it, but I'm embarrassed to come forward with it.

[CarlaB]

This has crept back in again. I was doing okay for a while, not great, but okay, but the last week has found me down in the dumps. It's probably related to the couple serious panic attacks I've had out of nowhere, and the near constant anxiety-related body weirdness. I really should go see my doctor to get checked out, just for the peace of mind.

This is the kind of shit I do; I was just looking on google maps at my aunt and uncle's old house on a lake up north, remembering the trips my parents and my brother and I would take there. It's not super far, but far enough to stay overnight. I can remember hearing the cars and trucks crossing the bridge over the narrow part of the lake at night, my uncle's pontoon boat, the stone steps leading down to the dock, sledding on the hill in the winter, watching TV in the basement and using the old slow internet. Now, my aunt and uncle are still the same people, and their new house is great, but those particular things I remember doing and liking won't happen again, and I miss that.

Oh yeah, we tore down our swimming pool recently, no one uses it anymore and it was getting pretty rusty anyway. Today I happened to walk past a garbage can that some of the pool cleaning stuff was stuffed into. It made me sad, too. I can remember using the brush on the long pole to stir up dirt on the bottom, the net to scoop out leaves, my dad vacuuming the bottom. *poof*, gone. I thought about pulling it out, but what would that accomplish? I'm already flirting with hoarding, I don;t need to go any further down the path.

I talked to my mom a little bit earlier tonight. I'm not ready to unload all of this stuff, but I did tell my parents that I'm having anxiety again, and I told my mom later about my hypochondria (I don't know if I've ever mentioned that here. Long story short, I think I have angina right now and will be seeing my doctor tomorrow), and that I'll probably be going on my medication again. I wanted to avoid it, but maybe it will give me the boost I need to make positive progress in my life, and then be able to go off of it and stay okay in a more positive environment. I do eventually want to tell someone, in person, about my struggle to move forward in time. my mom has told me on numerous occasions that she's available to talk, and I appreciate it, but I'm embarrassed to come forward with it.

You have to remember that the past is on your back and its really no point in turning around to look back at it if all you going to feel regret. You need to have hope in the future if you want to have power in your current present. Give a man hope and he can do anything. We all move at different pace some people have better resources as nothing is equal. Equality is an illusion.

[RoderickLariviere]

I'm kind of afraid that this failure to let go of the past will negatively affect my ability to transition into adulthood. Hell, it already has. I'm 23 and jobless, living with my parents, no immediate plans to do anything. I feel like everyone judges me silently, too. Like "Why won't this kid grow up? Doesn't he know how far he is behind already?" No one has actually said anything of the sort, and they're probably not even thinking it, but I'm slightyl ashamed and embarrassed of my position.

I don't know, I just feel... abnormal.
In my point of view, you need to develop some motivational spirits within you. Read motivational books and watch podcasts related to that. Make a plan what you should do in future. If you are unable to control your brain to do such things then, it is better to prefer some medications to deal with your depression.