My Story (with pictures)

[Anxious Frank]

Hello forum. I would like to tell you my story of anxiety.

Anxiety is ever present in my life. Anxiety made me depressed. There are certain things that trigger my anxiety attacks. My general anxiety makes life like walking through a nightmare. My anxiety puts limits on what I can and can't do. In short, anxiety sucks.

I found an old notebook today that contained a journal I had kept of my thoughts. I think it illustrates the sadness, confusion and anger I felt when my anxiety was at it's worst. And like the tortured soul with a rhyming dictionary I am, out came the poetry...

Page One

I did not know it came so slow,
came creeping, through the night.
It's form like gas and soft like snow.
Across the rocks it melts, it flows.
Sneaking, speaking low.

The glorious day! Your sun did show.
The vapours had no choice but go
creeping back into the night.

Though the ill formed animal abhors the light
it's shining, cat-like eyes so bright
are hungry for blood and hunt and night.
Sleep, comes slow.

You can hear when he is coming.
The panther with no form.
So you keep watch.
Watch the dancers play in the fire
of your warning lights.
It waits beyond your field of vision,
turn your back and with precision
he rips out your throat with steeltrap jaws
and you show him the light and he's gone.

Page Two

Barnacle barnacle barnacle


think straight.
Words will come, you know them
already. No need to hold back
let it flow
on a river
in a boat
with tangerine trees and marmalade skies...

[Anxious Frank]

Page Two Point Five

It looks like a wall, extended horizonwise. I'm on my own here. There's something going on on the other side. I'm not sure what. Sometimes I think I hear things or catch a glimpse of the goings on, if I jump high enough. The wall is too slippery to hang onto for long and I slide back down.

you've got to grow your own grapes, yeah

Page Three

Can't go around it, can't go through it, can't go over it, can't go under it. While I'm standing here staring, looking for a way through, what am I missing behind me?

[Anxious Frank]

Page Four

Page Five

I feel like I know enough now to switch it on and off. Well, provide temporary releif. It gets easier the more I do it. Perhaps soon I won't have to think about it. Choosing the right mode might and probably will end up being a natural process.

Page Six

What feels like a chain of binding has just been broken or severely damaged. This is a good thing because it enables me to do something useful, without having negative feelings. Specifically when I do a mental check on a thought, it is not necessarily a bad thing. If used in the right way, this tool can be helpful, ie. noticing a negative thought loop so it can be broken. Handy.

Page Seven

A number of steps to end negative loops.

-Notice it.
-Remind yourself they can be broken with some effort.
-use a handy mantra if you come up with some topical words of encouragement
-try to put your mind on something else

Page Eight

It feels good to get some of these feelings out. Often I get taken away with unrelated/negative thoughts. Sometimes I get really nervous and sweat a lot. It makes me embarrassed having sweat marks on my t-shirt.

If sweat is a function of nervousness, then there are a few things I can do to limit it - drink less caffiene
-drink less sugar
-exercise regularly
-practise calming

These are only guidelines, the world will not end if I break them.

Page Nine

The feeling I get when people say "you're quiet" is awful. It's like fear. But all I seem to notice is the fear. It does funny things to my brain then stresses me out. I fear that what I say will sound stupid and people might not like me.

Page Ten

There's so many things I want to say. I'm scared to say the wrong thing. I think I try to rationalise things too often. It feels like I'm missing out on a lot. I feel powerless. I find myself unnatractive

I wish these problems would go away so I could get to sleep at night. This life is torture.

I have to get out.

Page Eleven

At the end of a day it feels like it's all gone wrong and the only thing I have to look forward to for the next day is only pain and embarrassment. It's like on side of me is missing. The side of me that hopes for the bests.

Page Twelve

Start up

Today I got strength from a most unlikely source. It's wierd how the unexpected is good. Sometimes I have feared it.

Strength and direction have been flowing in at an increasing rate.

Page Thirteen

It's as if there were tow sides to me. One side is optimism, a joke, positivity. The other side is darker, painful, sad. Perhaps as long as I know the other side is there I won't get carried away so easily. Maybe I can pull myself out of this after all.

Page Fourteen

Things are starting to look a little better. I'm thinking about things I haven't thought about in what seems like a very long time. It seems like I'm living one long day. I need more to do.

It stops there. My story didn't though.

I came out of that funk for a short time, but soon relapsed. I had no friends in my life and I wouldn't go outside. I was self-medicating.

These days my anxiety is less intrusive in my life. It has been with me for so long now that it has grown into part of me. It can't be cut off completely, I would not survive.

My coping mechanism is breathing and meditation. I learnt these skills from a course in MCBT. (Jon Kabat-Zinn's work)

If you are interested in this type of thing, but are poor, Bhuddism is quite similar. And free!