Ambition
10-02-2014, 03:15 PM
I'm new to this forum so I'm going to tell my story.
I had been anxiety free from 1991 to 2007. I got a degree in 1999 and was very confident. I would often run marathons and enjoyed long distance running often travelling long distances for race meetings. I also was quite sociable and had leadership qualities. In 2005 I finally passed my driving test after 7 attempts!
About 8 years ago I used to work as a guide taking students to London some 250 miles form where I lived. I was responsible for up to 60 children. I used to tell them the history etc. I really enjoyed my job. That was until I started to get visual migraines. Weird vision, blind spots etc for around 25 mins. But no headache. These scared the crap out of me even though I only had a few each year. But that really took my confidence, so I started to cherry pick much shorter excursions closer to home.
2006
My mom always seemed to think I was unwell even when I was fine. She even grilled me asking what was wrong. I actually used to run marathons and was perfectly fit. But it got to the stage where I started to question, "am I well? Should I be doing this job" then the though of my responsibilities made me guilty. "Should I be taking vulnerable people on outings to London?" What if I passed out or something?" These migraines (which I discovered were cause by a dairy allergy) did not help and made me doubt my self even more.
2007-2009
Soon even doing the easier outings became stressful. I would feel unreal spaced out, fearing I could faint. I made the mistake of getting my Bus driving licence, so I could take the students in our minibus. I enjoyed this freedom at first. But then the guilt came back. Feeling spaced out I feared something was wrong with my Brain. Want if I develop seizures when driving? Having this extra fear After a year or two I quit my job.
2009 to 2012
I knew that the spaced out feelings were anxiety. My GP explained that. But I just didn't have the confidence anymore. I told my mom I got panic attacks and to be honest it was like I told her I had AIDS or a heroin addiction. She was so angry at first!
Jobless I started having limited symptom panic attacks. I would feel spaced out then feel faint and fearing I was losing my mind. My doctor referred me to CBT. But it took nearly 6 months before my first session. By then I'd been on holiday with the family and my anxiety receded. I however got 10 sessions of CBT, but without anxiety they were ineffective. Even though I was taught about the panic cycle I could not put it into practice.
2012
A few years later I got a job as teaching assistant. My sister got married and had a baby and all thus was happening in my once stable family home. At the school I started getting panic attacks again, very embarrassing. I got CBT again but how could I practice it in a class of school children if I had a panic attack. My solution was avoidance. Standing near the door, arriving to lessons 10 mins late and making an excuse for leaving early. 40 mins is not as bad as an hour! I always felt better towards the last lesson. When ignoring my anxiety I really engaged with the pupils learning and was well respected. I really enjoyed the job and would love to have became a teacher! But my anxiety made me dread getting up every morning.
2013 to present.
When my contract was finished, I became jobless again. My parents thought about moving hundreds of miles away. This made me even more worried. One day I was in the Jobcentre waiting to sign on but there were delays. I felt panicky, faint, spaced out unreal. I did not want the embarrassment of telling them I didn't feel well. After that going into town became scary. I went for one of my favorite walks but had a panic attack.
A few weeks later the job centre said I'd have to go on a compulsory Jobseekers course. So I signed onto disability benefit. At this point my world got smaller and smaller. I was prescribed Citralpram. That just made me feel weird and worse. It also made me feel clinically depressed. I had never suffered depression with my anxiety. So I stopped after only 2 doses. I never want to use those meds again. In addition over the last 12 months every 3 months my parents went on a foreign holiday leaving me at home. That made me real scarred as I read that people can have panic attacks when left alone. In July they went on a 3 week holiday. With all the heat and sun I felt terrible. I got some CBT by telephone for exposure therapy but with the holiday stress on my mind I could not do it very well. These sessions stopped and now I have to wait 3 months for more intensive therapy.
It just seemed I was skipping from crisis to crisis.
All I had left was my swimming, a few miles away. I was determined not to give that up. It relaxed me and I met people. The other week I had to get a lift into town to return my library books. I can no longer drive in town during the day when its busy. Not long ago with the anticipation my families next holiday I went swimming and started to feel spaced out as if I'd have a panic attack. I got dressed quickly and drove home immediately. I have not been swimming since.
I just feel my world is getting smaller and smaller. I really want to get a job and back to how I was 10 years ago. But it seems everything is against me. I really want to avoid meds.
I had been anxiety free from 1991 to 2007. I got a degree in 1999 and was very confident. I would often run marathons and enjoyed long distance running often travelling long distances for race meetings. I also was quite sociable and had leadership qualities. In 2005 I finally passed my driving test after 7 attempts!
About 8 years ago I used to work as a guide taking students to London some 250 miles form where I lived. I was responsible for up to 60 children. I used to tell them the history etc. I really enjoyed my job. That was until I started to get visual migraines. Weird vision, blind spots etc for around 25 mins. But no headache. These scared the crap out of me even though I only had a few each year. But that really took my confidence, so I started to cherry pick much shorter excursions closer to home.
2006
My mom always seemed to think I was unwell even when I was fine. She even grilled me asking what was wrong. I actually used to run marathons and was perfectly fit. But it got to the stage where I started to question, "am I well? Should I be doing this job" then the though of my responsibilities made me guilty. "Should I be taking vulnerable people on outings to London?" What if I passed out or something?" These migraines (which I discovered were cause by a dairy allergy) did not help and made me doubt my self even more.
2007-2009
Soon even doing the easier outings became stressful. I would feel unreal spaced out, fearing I could faint. I made the mistake of getting my Bus driving licence, so I could take the students in our minibus. I enjoyed this freedom at first. But then the guilt came back. Feeling spaced out I feared something was wrong with my Brain. Want if I develop seizures when driving? Having this extra fear After a year or two I quit my job.
2009 to 2012
I knew that the spaced out feelings were anxiety. My GP explained that. But I just didn't have the confidence anymore. I told my mom I got panic attacks and to be honest it was like I told her I had AIDS or a heroin addiction. She was so angry at first!
Jobless I started having limited symptom panic attacks. I would feel spaced out then feel faint and fearing I was losing my mind. My doctor referred me to CBT. But it took nearly 6 months before my first session. By then I'd been on holiday with the family and my anxiety receded. I however got 10 sessions of CBT, but without anxiety they were ineffective. Even though I was taught about the panic cycle I could not put it into practice.
2012
A few years later I got a job as teaching assistant. My sister got married and had a baby and all thus was happening in my once stable family home. At the school I started getting panic attacks again, very embarrassing. I got CBT again but how could I practice it in a class of school children if I had a panic attack. My solution was avoidance. Standing near the door, arriving to lessons 10 mins late and making an excuse for leaving early. 40 mins is not as bad as an hour! I always felt better towards the last lesson. When ignoring my anxiety I really engaged with the pupils learning and was well respected. I really enjoyed the job and would love to have became a teacher! But my anxiety made me dread getting up every morning.
2013 to present.
When my contract was finished, I became jobless again. My parents thought about moving hundreds of miles away. This made me even more worried. One day I was in the Jobcentre waiting to sign on but there were delays. I felt panicky, faint, spaced out unreal. I did not want the embarrassment of telling them I didn't feel well. After that going into town became scary. I went for one of my favorite walks but had a panic attack.
A few weeks later the job centre said I'd have to go on a compulsory Jobseekers course. So I signed onto disability benefit. At this point my world got smaller and smaller. I was prescribed Citralpram. That just made me feel weird and worse. It also made me feel clinically depressed. I had never suffered depression with my anxiety. So I stopped after only 2 doses. I never want to use those meds again. In addition over the last 12 months every 3 months my parents went on a foreign holiday leaving me at home. That made me real scarred as I read that people can have panic attacks when left alone. In July they went on a 3 week holiday. With all the heat and sun I felt terrible. I got some CBT by telephone for exposure therapy but with the holiday stress on my mind I could not do it very well. These sessions stopped and now I have to wait 3 months for more intensive therapy.
It just seemed I was skipping from crisis to crisis.
All I had left was my swimming, a few miles away. I was determined not to give that up. It relaxed me and I met people. The other week I had to get a lift into town to return my library books. I can no longer drive in town during the day when its busy. Not long ago with the anticipation my families next holiday I went swimming and started to feel spaced out as if I'd have a panic attack. I got dressed quickly and drove home immediately. I have not been swimming since.
I just feel my world is getting smaller and smaller. I really want to get a job and back to how I was 10 years ago. But it seems everything is against me. I really want to avoid meds.